I still don't know who she was

[jambley]

This is my hardest thing to grasp. Even though I thought i knew her, I didn't really see many glimpses of her being a genuine person. Just odd.

[roberto516]

I understand that. I think the hard part for me is that I knew who she was. We were co-workers for close to 2 years before we dated. And even though she is physically gorgeous I didn't have an attraction to her emotionally at all. I saw a selfish, spoiled person who took care of herself first no matter what. Then she wanted me and showered me with this love and attention and praise. I began to think "Well maybe this is the real her." Fast forward to the rest of the relationship when I battled the fact that she was always the self-centered, spoiled person and that she hadn't indeed changed or was someone I didn't think she was. That's what hurt the most for me and still does.

[Skip]

My ex is 54, recently lost her job as a nurse for speeding, verbally abusive, heavy drinker, an STD, ex-slut 40+ partners. I am still haunted by her emotional abuse... .

This, of course, is a collection of faults that we all have from a broken relationship... .but aside from the above, in a balanced sense, who did you think she was? Pros. Cons.

[jambley]

pros:

• childlike, silly, a bit mad, self mocking, good sense of humour
• kind, generous, assertive, thoughtful
• polite, good manners, passive, easy going, sensitive

Cons:

• drunken, wild, troublemaker, rage
• controlling, bullying, aggressive, abusive, selfish
• bad mannered, loud mouthed, ego, running off, always being 'right', insensitive

I don't think there was any balance, as in our experiences we see both sides of the coin... I can only see her as two people, as strange as that sounds.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jambley,

I can see the reasons you would be attracted to her as a person when you met.  Do you feel that you struggle with who she was because you see her as two different people and wonder which was real? 

I saw two definite sides to my ex, and even named the 'dark side' by another name to keep the disorder separate from the person I saw underneath - someone who was neither (or at least only a small part) of the sides I outwardly saw. 

I could identify with the child inside who was crying out for love, security, protection, a sense of belonging, validation and attention, all of which were motivators for the behaviours - both good and bad - that he demonstrated.  Although he appeared to behave like two people, all that he portrayed, from the loving, caring, sensitive individual to the raging, violent, out of control aspects of him were very real.  They all came from his inner feelings of fear, hurt, rejection and from the life lessons he wasn't able to assimilate in ways that emotionally healthier others can. 

I'd say that your ex was all of the pros and cons combined and that they make up who she is. 

Is it more important to you at this stage to understand her for the purpose of your own healing or to understand yourself perhaps a little more do you think?

Love and light x     

[vanx]

I struggle with this too, jambley. One thing to also remember is that part of BPD is lacking a core sense of self. Chances are she doesn't quite know who she is either. One thing I try to keep in mind is what was I seeing more of towards the end, the sweet or the controlling person? In my case, the cons became more prevalent. I bet if my ex healed from BPD, she would be someone with a balance of these traits, perhaps tempered at both ends. Even the sweetness could have been symptomatic of the disorder, part of the overstated courting ritual. Anyhow, my main point is the other person is unfortunately probably somewhat lost to BPD and unsure who she is too. In that sense, how could you ever really know her?

[Mutt]

I can see how this is a tough one, I think that it can get more confusing when we start to learn about the pathology and sometime assign the pathology to the person, a person is not the sum of their mental illness, it's a part of them but it doesn't define them.

I think that it can also be difficult to see who the person is because of our own emotional and mental state. Emotional distress, depression, anxiety can have us see in extremes, like our exes. You come here and discuss with others and our opinions and guidance can help you see the other side of the medallion and also ground you.

The closer that you are to a pwBPD the more that they act out, they have their internal dialogue and some of us too, is he going to reject me? Is he going to abandon me? Everyone abandons me... .I speak for myself when I say this, there where periods where things where relatively calm, they only lasted so long though then the dramatic behaviours would come.

Have you heard of the term radical acceptance? The answer to your question is your ex is all of the things that you saw firsthand, the good, the bad and the in between, you could work on accepting all of her different aspects of her by working on radically accepting her.