Broke up nearly a month ago and I don't have people to talk to about it.

[TiredButReady80]

My ex partner has BPD and we've been broken up for almost a month.  I decided the best way to move on is to have No Contact and completely squash any hopes of the relationship working out.  We had been together for one year and in the beginning it was bliss.  I felt like I had finally arrived at a point that I had previously thought unattainable.  However, the honeymoon period quickly wore off and I found myself trying to explain or justify behavior and emotions that felt inappropriate for the given situation.  As time went on, and as I've reflected on it more, I was always made to feel like any fight that happened was my fault and/or my "emotional development" wasn't what it should be.  I was told I don't share enough, I was told I dont have healthy boundaries, I was told I'm racist and sexist and hate women, etc...   I was no saint in our relationship, but I know I'm not the person she was trying to convince me I was.  It always seemed like clockwork where there would be this great tender moment and then it would be followed by me triggering her in some way and then it would end with her storming out.  We are both a part of a volunteer organization working over seas so I'll still have to see her from time to time for the next year.  Some times I'm angry with how I was treated and other times I'm just happy it's over now.  She shared with me that she has BPD but that was after we were more than halfway through our relationship already.  It took great courage to share that with me but I feel like we could have worked on things together and come up with strategies long before that point had she shared that earlier.   Ive come to realize my codependent tendencies and have been talking with a therapist.  But at times it would be nice to have some one to talk to other than my parents.  I'm also preparing myself mentally for a couple of things: one being the great chance that she'll start dating someone else and the second being that she may try to contact me again.  Any and all advice is welcome. 

[Elmurr]

It sounds to me like you made the best decision. It will hurt but usually it is the most important decisions that are hardest to make.

Unfortunately people with BPD do blame others for things, and they often play the victim. If you stuck around this will not get any better. You will be tempted to stay and try to resolve the issues, and you will be made to feel that all of the issues are your doing, however they are not. This will get progressively worse as time goes on.

My advice, as someone who wasn't strong enough to not go back, is to remain no contact. If you crack and go back she will view this as weakness and will lose a little bit of respect for you and gain a bit of control over you. Whilst she will be flattered, she won't find it attractive, and it will eventually get worse, until one day she'll be ready to discard you. It's much better to be the one that left, as you will almost certainly not get any form of closure if she ends it, and you will be painted black.

Stay strong, and don't contact her. It gets better after 2-4 months, although you will still think about her for much longer. After about 3 months or so you will have come to terms with it, and it won't hurt so much anymore.

[TiredButReady80]

What brought the breakup about was that she said I was emotionally stunted and "half a lap behind her".  I said we both contributed to the breakup but she still insisted on it being me.  I told her that I felt she was emotionally abusive and she responded to that by saying I was trying to "gaslight" her.  She accused me many times of being dismissive and invalidating, but I have no idea of what could be more manipulative than telling some one they are gaslighting when all they are trying to do is share their feelings.  It was a struggle to be heard because any time I was sharing my feelings and she felt I was wrong she would interrupt me, correct me and it would then become about her.  So many times I didn't have the strength or stamina to hash it out.  Many times I felt very beaten down and isolated.  People seem to think she is so sweet but when they encounter me it feels at times that there is this adverse reaction.  Maybe I'm internalizing, but at times it feels like people are trying to avoid me.

[Elmurr]

The fact that you're on here and you're saying these things suggests it's not a healthy relationship. If the relationship wasn't healthy you would feel happy and there wouldn't be any of these negative affects you're feeling.

Find someone new that makes you feel good. It won't happen straight away probably but eventually it will.

[once removed]

hey tiredbutready and

im sorry to hear about the circumstances that brought you here, but glad that you found us. youll find good company in members who have walked or are walking in your shoes.

it feels pretty invalidating to have the blame for the relationship ending put on you. i would echo Elmurr that sadly, people with BPD traits tend to experience and perceive themselves as the victims of outcomes. it takes two to tango, and a mature person tends to leave a relationship gracefully without placing blame.

im sorry to hear youre feeling isolated, and my heart goes out to you. it is not uncommon to feel this way coming out of these relationships - finding folks have a difficult time understanding, can be invalidating, or you may find yourself physically isolated as well. its really crucial to have a strong support system in place, so im glad you are seeing a therapist and reaching out here, and that you have your parents to talk to. all of the above can go a long way, and you can build on it over time.

i dont recommend jumping into a new relationship; we tend to be pretty vulnerable exiting these relationships, and that can drive us into new unhealthy territory, but i highly encourage you to find ways of meeting new people and making friends. its important to see the good parts of you reflected back by others.

what sorts of things are you discussing with your therapist? what are your goals at bpdfamily and how can we best support you?

[TiredButReady80]

I've been reading up on BPD and a lot of dots have started to get connected.  I'm wanting to move through the next several months in a healthy way.  I want to focus on my getting better, making myself happy.  But, it's going to be a challenge.  We are both overseas in the same volunteer organization and what I'm beginning to be worried about being demonized and isolated.  One of our mutual friends has already blocked me on Facebook.  I want to be able to talk to people who understand what it is I'm experiencing.  She told me about her BPD and no one else here knows.  So I can't talk to anyone about it.  I don't want to alienate myself away from mutual friends or seem petty and bitter.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear TiredbutReady-
I'm really sorry that you're going through this pain.  And you are NOT imagining any of it.  One thing I noted is that she seems aware of the terminology applied to people with BPD (pwBPD).  She used the term "gaslighting" on you, which is something that pwBPD have a tendency to do to nons.   "Nons" are people who DON'T have BPD.  That would be US.  I'd  like to suggest that you familiarize yourself with some of the terminology.  This way, if you happen to have an unavoidable conversation with her at work, you'll be on your toes and understand how she's twisting things.

Unfortunately, pwBPD have no interest in the feelings of others.  It simply doesn't appear relevant to their lives, I'm sorry to say.  So please be gentle with and kind to yourself.  This volunteer assignment will pass soon and you'll be away from her.  If it is truly unbearable, is there any way you can change your location?  I don't believe in staying where you don't HAVE to be!

If you MUST stay, Please see if you can find a few male friends to bond with where you are.  And lean on your new friends here.  We're here to support you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes 

[once removed]

it sounds like you have a really good strategy in place, TBR, and thats invaluable.

as far as your concerns about working together, i would encourage you to maybe have a look at some of the tools and lessons on the Improving board; they can help you navigate any forced interactions, and theyre skills that will help you with people and relationships of all types.

its a good strategy too, not to respond to any demonizing and stay above it; doing so would likely make things messier and up the ante.

RE gaslighting: "gaslighting" is a term you wont find in most clinical settings. its a "pop psych" term, and in that sense, has different meanings to everyone. quite often, its used to describe general disagreements, two different versions of events that have a simpler/more fitting explanation.

I want to be able to talk to people who understand what it is I'm experiencing. 

whats on your mind today? how are you feeling? we are here and listening.

[TiredButReady80]

I just wanting to move on.  Today was a challenging day.  I'm pretty sure she's already seeing someone else.  A "mutual" friend.  I realize she's going to do what she's going to do with only herself in mind.  But, it still sucks. 

[TiredButReady80]

I do want to thank each of you for your quick and heartfelt responses.  They have been a help today.