Trapped and Out of Options

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's probably not surprising that my current situation is so complex, it’s difficult to simplify down to the core issues that are ruining my life. Yes, it’s gotten that bad. I’ve isolated myself and have dipped into depression. I was delighted to find “Stop Walking on Eggshells”, which brought me to this forum and gave me hope for getting my life back. But my reading this book has made things worse as she is not just in denial, but is angry that I am suggesting she may have BD. I told her that I am not diagnosing her and that this book was for me and had some tools to help me; that her diagnosis is between her and her therapist. Obviously that didn’t help, cause here I am at my wit’s end.

Background:
-   My BD claims she has PTSD due to all the trauma inflicted during her 43 years on this earth. She’s using this to blame others for her issues. Since I live with her, I get the brunt of the blame. My reading a book on BD has created more “trauma”. Last week, flea bites created enough trauma that she did $120 in damage to my stuff. Last night she threw a table at me for repeating that I loved her. People talking about her “behind her back” causes weekly trauma. Saturday’s “trauma” was because I paid $25 late fee on the electric bill. She actually uses the word trauma when describing these things, like my not mowing the lawn.
-   She has chased away all of her friends. She has alienated her family. She has lost her career as a lawyer. She’s been fired for cleaning jobs, retail jobs. She now spends all of her time alone in my house, blaming me for her situation. She seems to be determined to set the stage for suicide.
-   She has been unable to keep a job for the last 2 years. I have been paying her bills. Since the burden of paying those bills on her own living space was too hard on me, I rented a huge house and let her live in the upstairs. My stated goal was to create a safe space for her, so she didn’t have to work, and could heal and find a new direction in life. Now, after reading BD books, I realized this wasn’t the best solution and has probably contributed to her worsening condition, but everything I tried has been out of compassion and love.
-   We did try to date for the last two years, but I have severed that because I wasn’t living up to her standards and didn’t want to even try anymore. So I’m attempting to be a good friend and roommate.

Current Situation:
In the last two weeks, I’ve received 208 text messages filled with anger, revenge, insults, and pleasantries. She’s done damage to my property, my esteem, my soul. When I draw a line or set a limit, I’m creating more trauma. She blames me for EVERYTHING and her words say she can't stand living with me, but her words also say that any mention of moving will result in suicide.

So I’m trapped. My house is filled with rage, blame, and increasing violence. Her only other stated option is suicide and has plainly stated that it would be my fault.

She says it’s my fault she can’t keep down a job. My fault she can’t apply for a job. My fault she is getting worse. My fault she throws things. My fault.

Her last boyfriend packed up his stuff and left. I seem to have only this option, but that would be abandoning someone I care about to a certain death. I feel manipulated into someone else’s hell. I see very little hope. Every week the rage and violence gets worse. Every week, talk of suicide gets more acceptable.

I'm 50 years old. All my life I've been told I'm kind, compassionate, generous, and patient. I consider myself a success story for getting past childhood abuse, having spent a decade of my youth healing through therapy and prescriptions. I thought I could help her with my experience and patient love. But that was back when I thought she had PTSD and her traumas were childhood.

My angry father terrorized me with decades of verbal and physical abuse. I got past it with incredible effort over time. However, now I'm that same child, hiding in my own house, praying she's not angry today. I'm sliding back into depression, but have no time to deal with it as I'm focused on supporting two lives, doing all the tasks necessary to keep us alive, with very little appreciation and support for me.

I've given her more that I've ever given and she still hates me. But she won't let me leave and she hasn't the resources to leave herself. Now I'm trying to protect myself, my property, and my sanity, but am failing. It isn't fair that I have to choose to save my life or hers.

[TheBlamed]

It's probably not surprising that my current situation is so complex, it’s difficult to simplify down to the core issues that are ruining my life. Yes, it’s gotten that bad. I’ve isolated myself and have dipped into depression. I was delighted to find “Stop Walking on Eggshells”, which brought me to this forum and gave me hope for getting my life back. But my reading this book has made things worse as she is not just in denial, but is angry that I am suggesting she may have BD. I told her that I am not diagnosing her and that this book was for me and had some tools to help me; that her diagnosis is between her and her therapist. Obviously that didn’t help, cause here I am at my wit’s end.

Background:
-   My BD claims she has PTSD due to all the trauma inflicted during her 43 years on this earth. She’s using this to blame others for her issues. Since I live with her, I get the brunt of the blame. My reading a book on BD has created more “trauma”. Last week, flea bites created enough trauma that she did $120 in damage to my stuff. Last night she threw a table at me for repeating that I loved her. People talking about her “behind her back” causes weekly trauma. Saturday’s “trauma” was because I paid $25 late fee on the electric bill. She actually uses the word trauma when describing these things, like my not mowing the lawn.
-   She has chased away all of her friends. She has alienated her family. She has lost her career as a lawyer. She’s been fired for cleaning jobs, retail jobs. She now spends all of her time alone in my house, blaming me for her situation. She seems to be determined to set the stage for suicide.
-   She has been unable to keep a job for the last 2 years. I have been paying her bills. Since the burden of paying those bills on her own living space was too hard on me, I rented a huge house and let her live in the upstairs. My stated goal was to create a safe space for her, so she didn’t have to work, and could heal and find a new direction in life. Now, after reading BD books, I realized this wasn’t the best solution and has probably contributed to her worsening condition, but everything I tried has been out of compassion and love.
-   We did try to date for the last two years, but I have severed that because I wasn’t living up to her standards and didn’t want to even try anymore. So I’m attempting to be a good friend and roommate.

Current Situation:
In the last two weeks, I’ve received 208 text messages filled with anger, revenge, insults, and pleasantries. She’s done damage to my property, my esteem, my soul. When I draw a line or set a limit, I’m creating more trauma. She blames me for EVERYTHING and her words say she can't stand living with me, but her words also say that any mention of moving will result in suicide.

So I’m trapped. My house is filled with rage, blame, and increasing violence. Her only other stated option is suicide and has plainly stated that it would be my fault.

She says it’s my fault she can’t keep down a job. My fault she can’t apply for a job. My fault she is getting worse. My fault she throws things. My fault.

Her last boyfriend packed up his stuff and left. I seem to have only this option, but that would be abandoning someone I care about to a certain death. I feel manipulated into someone else’s hell. I see very little hope. Every week the rage and violence gets worse. Every week, talk of suicide gets more acceptable.

I'm 50 years old. All my life I've been told I'm kind, compassionate, generous, and patient. I consider myself a success story for getting past childhood abuse, having spent a decade of my youth healing through therapy and prescriptions. I thought I could help her with my experience and patient love. But that was back when I thought she had PTSD and her traumas were childhood.

My angry father terrorized me with decades of verbal and physical abuse. I got past it with incredible effort over time. However, now I'm that same child, hiding in my own house, praying she's not angry today. I'm sliding back into depression, but have no time to deal with it as I'm focused on supporting two lives, doing all the tasks necessary to keep us alive, with very little appreciation and support for me.

I've given her more that I've ever given and she still hates me. But she won't let me leave and she hasn't the resources to leave herself. Now I'm trying to protect myself, my property, and my sanity, but am failing. It isn't fair that I have to choose to save my life or hers.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi TheBlamed,

I"m sorry that things are so difficult right now. It sounds chaotic.

When your pwBPD begins to send you angry text messages how do you respond? How do you respond when she threatens suicide? And when she begins to blame you for things?