BPD accusing me of cheating on her because I want to see my friends

[RufusTFirefly]

Hi All —

My girlfriend (let's call her A) is away on a trip and a friend of mine (let's call her B) invited me to go running. I went running with B and A is now furious at me, accusing me of cheating on her because I spent time with B when I promised I wouldn't (I don't remember making any promise like this).

To be clear, A doesn't think I'm sleeping with B (and I'm not, never have, and never will). She just considers it cheating for me to be spending any time with B whatsoever.

The problem is, since beginning the relationship, I've become more and more isolated because A seems to have a problem with all of my friends. And she says it's my fault (everything is always my fault).

Now A is accusing me of ruining her trip and destroying the relationship. I've talked to her and calmed her down a little bit, but I want her to have a good trip and I don't her to be hurting but, at the same time, I want to have my friends.

I guess I'm asking for a few things:

1) Can someone reassure me that it's okay to have friends and spend time with them and not feel like I need her approval before I do so?

2) Are there any suggestions for establishing boundaries so that I can start rebuilding old friendships? I'm getting better at defusing fights, but I'm still not particularly good at establishing boundaries with her.

3) One of the ways I was able to diffuse this fight was by telling A that I wouldn't see B at least until A came back from her trip. How should I explain to B that I can't see her without placing all the blame on A?

Any other suggestions or comments are also welcomed. Thanks for this resource.

 -- RTF

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[onelittleladybug]

Hi RufusTFirefly

The problem is, since beginning the relationship, I've become more and more isolated because A seems to have a problem with all of my friends. And she says it's my fault (everything is always my fault).

This is familiar to many of us here.

1) Can someone reassure me that it's okay to have friends and spend time with them and not feel like I need her approval before I do so?

I assure you! Its not only normal but important to spend time with your friends. Its important for you, its only fair to your friends. Food for thought: Ironically if you end your friendships for the sake of the relationship with A it can feed the mistrust as there is now proof that you can and will discard people.

You dont need her official approval or permission to continue your friendships. It does help to validate her feelings without giving into the request. Heres more on validation: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

You can acknowledge her feelings without giving into them. This is important and very helpful to the communication between you.

2) Are there any suggestions for establishing boundaries so that I can start rebuilding old friendships? I'm getting better at defusing fights, but I'm still not particularly good at establishing boundaries with her.

I understand that question to mean that you are trying to get things to a better state between you and A before resuming your friendships. Did I get that right?

If so I wouldnt wait. This is a matter of you staying consistent and true to yourself. Thats the boundary. There is no need to explain anything. Just keep being the friend that you were before this relationship started.

Heres a good article to read about basing our boundaries on our values:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Heres a good link about how explaining things can work against us:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

3) One of the ways I was able to diffuse this fight was by telling A that I wouldn't see B at least until A came back from her trip. How should I explain to B that I can't see her without placing all the blame on A?

Well I agree thats a tricky one. Because no matter what she says its still you that makes the decision so she isnt really the one to blame. Do you see how that works? I dont mean that harshly, I completely understand your dilemma. I honestly think most people would do the same thing (including myself) but its really just postponing the problem instead of solving it.

I dont think there is a right or wrong here I can only share with you what I would do. I would call my friend, explain that my SO was having a hard time with the friendship. I would tell my friend I made this decision to buy myself some peace momentarily. Then I would ask my friend to be patient for a limited amount of time. I think if I was honest about everything there is more chance of making things right.

She just considers it cheating for me to be spending any time with B whatsoever.

When your girlfriend gets back from her trip I think it would be really helpful for you to have a discussion about what each one of you considers cheating and what friendships mean to you. Hopefully from that conversation you can clarify your boundaries in regards to your friends but at the same time find a mutual understanding of what fidelity means for you as a couple.

Hope that helps. Keep us posted. We are happy to have you with us.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello RufusTFirefly,

To reassure you, yes having friendships is necessary, completely normal and enjoyable.  It keeps us balanced.  In my experience, the feelings that my partner has about me spending time with friends are exactly that - his feelings. 

I became very isolated.  I'm still working on building and strengthening friendships.  The book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist in Your Life... .by Margalis Fjelstad addresses this very well.  It really helped me be more resolute about having friendships.  It has been such a help to me in other areas, too.

Wishing you the best,

[RufusTFirefly]

Thanks, both of you. I understand what you're saying, onelittleladybug — in diffusing the fights and compromising on boundaries, I'm demonstrating that my boundaries don't need to be respected.

I'll check that book out, Mustbeabetterway. My library has a copy.

Thanks again! 

[Triedmybest408]

I too am still new to this. so I wont be much help

What I can say is you are not alone. I have been with my fiance almost 10 years.

a lot of past friendships have sort of fizzled away because i made the choice to please her or try my best to stay away from conflict (i had no clue about BPD up until a few months ago). Also work relationships were hard for me to form because I was always worried about what if she took this the wrong way

Its also not just friends, but a lot of the hobbies i had also fizzled away because doing those was like me not wanting to spend time with her.

but Ive learned to do what I want to do, as long as I know im doing right. Friends and hobbies will help you in the long run. He/She will be making accusations no matter what you do, that is part of BPD from what I have been gathering.