Is there any hope?

[Tentotwo]

Hi all,

I'm almost ten years married to a person our therapist says has BPD. Reading about the condition since then is like the light bulb finally going on and you wonder why you had not figured it out years ago.

Our therapist is now my therapist as the wife left therapy when she did not like having her behaviour challenged. The therapist is strongly suggesting I'm better off leaving the relationship than trying to stick it out. If I didn't have 2 young children I probably would.

Is there any hope, and if so, how can I tell? What concrete steps would my wife need to take for me to give it a chance? How can I be sure I'm not fooling myself? I can tell you from the therapy sessions that she is so far very resistant to getting help and seems happy to let the chips fall where they may between us, or so she says.

Thank you in advance for any responses... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[iluminati]

I can't tell you if there's hope because I don't see you and your wife on a day-in, day-out basis.  I will say that the fact that your marital therapist is now your therapist isn't a positive sign. 

What I would suggest is to get yourself together with the help of therapy.  Figure out what's going on.  Work on yourself.  Give it six months, and see where you are.  Also, use the lessons on the right.  That will definitely help defuse things and get to the point where you can communicate effective.

From there, see you are.  You might just have a beautiful relationship.

[MrRight]

Welcome

An increasing number of new posters are arriving with your scenario - married to pwBPD and young children in the picture.

This must be the worst case - as you not only have to deal with your SO but have to think about the welfare of your kids.

You cant just get up and go and setting boundaries may involve your children witnessing some ugly scenes.

I have seen very little constructive advice from anyone on this board beyond the usual - look at the tools - understand what you are dealing with etc - all worth doing of course.

But anyway my commiserations from someone who is waiting patiently for S14 to grow up and trying to survive in the meantime.

[onelittleladybug]

I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other.

I think Iluminati gave some solid advice and I support both of the points he made about your therapist. In my opinion a good therapist should stay neutral while supporting you in making a choice that only you can make, as you are the person that needs to live with the decision.

What concrete steps would my wife need to take for me to give it a chance?

Thats a question only you can answer but this site provides excellent support for you to find out. You will find a lot of people here to talk to, who will provide you with support and some good advice.

How can I be sure I'm not fooling myself?

Whenever I am feeling discouraged and hopeless it helps me to read success stories from the board:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0
My situation is very far from perfect but there has been immense improvement since I discovered bpdfamily. Me and my pwBPD have good weeks and bad weeks but the bad ones are mild in comparison to how things were when I first joined.

Is there any hope, and if so, how can I tell?

The short answer is yes there is hope. The long answer is more of a conversation than a concrete answer and brings up some questions: What exactly are you hoping to change? What is your time limit? Iluminati suggested giving it 6 months. I think thats a great idea especially if you really use this time to study up on the disorder and also examine your own reaction to your wife's behavior. It might be a long time until she is ready for therapy. It also may not happen at all. But what we learn here on bpdfamily can make our lives with our loved one with BPD a lot easier.

[starfox]

Our therapist is now my therapist as the wife left therapy when she did not like having her behaviour challenged.

Same boat as you right now! Our therapist was my SO's therapist. We started seeing her together and then when she challenged my partner's behavior they decided to stop going... .so now she's mine. Just had a session with her today (that I tried to get my SO to attend, but... .I'm the one that needs therapy) Just want to say you're not alone there.

I am still pretty new to this forum too (~2 weeks) and haven't been with my SO as long/don't have kids. But would also like to recommend the book Walking on Eggshells. There is a lot of info in there on setting boundaries, especially with kids, that you might find helpful. Welcome and 

[Turkish]

What specific behaviors are you struggling with? It might help to narrow this down.