Is being stuck indication you are doing something wrong?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I came across the notion somewhere recently that if you are stuck in emotional pain after a breakup with a pwBPD, you may be running from your pain. Well, if that's the case, I'd like to face it head on. I would like to feel better. What is it I am not doing? Why does it still hurt so much? I am 9 months out of a 2 month relationship. I just want to move on, but have only myself to wrestle with here.

If I meditate on the questions of what it is that hurts, it's that I feel I am very much in love with her and long to be close, which is my true feeling though I know it is wrong to say, because I know I didn't know her long enough... I feel deeply sad about my mental illness and hers, and have a powerful dream of getting through to her, and the issues we struggle with disappearing. I don't feel as strongly that it's the rejection or the things she had to say to me/about me as a person, though those don't feel great. What hurts is still holding on, so why can't I just stop?

Why does this connection seem so fulfilling when I have good friends trying to be kind to me, and I feel sort of hollow when I am with them?

The painful answer that surfaces is that I am not a complete person, that I feel empty inside and have for a long, long time. I guess the solutions don't come overnight, but I don't understand why such a painful lesson has come to tell me things I already knew, but to crank it up times ten. I figure there is an important lesson to learn, but the lesson is the same thing I have been flailing and gasping to do for years, to love myself and to feel complete inside!

I must just not be getting what I am supposed to get. Do you think being stuck in the pain means I am doing something wrong? I know I need to let go. I guess I just can't connect normally, and it was like someone finally understood me. I can't seem to feel understood or connected with others, though I know it is my issue, not theirs.

Hope this isn't too much of a pity party, just struggling and really needed to write. Thanks!

[vanx]

I came across the notion somewhere recently that if you are stuck in emotional pain after a breakup with a pwBPD, you may be running from your pain. Well, if that's the case, I'd like to face it head on. I would like to feel better. What is it I am not doing? Why does it still hurt so much? I am 9 months out of a 2 month relationship. I just want to move on, but have only myself to wrestle with here.

If I meditate on the questions of what it is that hurts, it's that I feel I am very much in love with her and long to be close, which is my true feeling though I know it is wrong to say, because I know I didn't know her long enough... I feel deeply sad about my mental illness and hers, and have a powerful dream of getting through to her, and the issues we struggle with disappearing. I don't feel as strongly that it's the rejection or the things she had to say to me/about me as a person, though those don't feel great. What hurts is still holding on, so why can't I just stop?

Why does this connection seem so fulfilling when I have good friends trying to be kind to me, and I feel sort of hollow when I am with them?

The painful answer that surfaces is that I am not a complete person, that I feel empty inside and have for a long, long time. I guess the solutions don't come overnight, but I don't understand why such a painful lesson has come to tell me things I already knew, but to crank it up times ten. I figure there is an important lesson to learn, but the lesson is the same thing I have been flailing and gasping to do for years, to love myself and to feel complete inside!

I must just not be getting what I am supposed to get. Do you think being stuck in the pain means I am doing something wrong? I know I need to let go. I guess I just can't connect normally, and it was like someone finally understood me. I can't seem to feel understood or connected with others, though I know it is my issue, not theirs.

Hope this isn't too much of a pity party, just struggling and really needed to write. Thanks!

[OptimusRhyme]

If I meditate on the questions of what it is that hurts, it's that I feel I am very much in love with her and long to be close, which is my true feeling though I know it is wrong to say, because I know I didn't know her long enough...

So, I'm musing on a similar question (am I progressing nominally in my recovery?), and while I'm reticent to say I know a damn thing, one of the first things I noticed about your post (and something that's helped me along in my recovery) is that there's a lot of self judgment in your reflections. When you say you know it's wrong to say, what do you mean? I'm not sure I buy that you aren't entitled to the feelings a relationship generated just because it didn't last very long. And, for me, even the subtle reframing from "I know this way that I feel is wrong" to "I know this way that I feel doesn't help me get to where I wanna be" helped me to redirect my reflections and efforts towards the positive goal of becoming a stronger, more aware, and more skillful person from my experience, rather than belittle whatever weakness and naivete I had getting into and during the relationship.


Also, similarly to the concept of sitting with your feelings and letting them pass through you, I still occasionally get moments of anger, injustice, panic, etc etc every now and again (I'm a year out). I think it's natural, even in the best and most successful of recoveries, for someone to have those feelings occasionally, or to not be able to hear about their ex BPD. I think that no matter how hard you work on your core trauma, real change takes time, and painful emotions/thoughts in and of themselves aren't a sign that you're stuck.

What feelings with your BPD ex made you feel connected, that you can't seem to replicate with anyone else?

[Skip]

Vanx,

I compliment you for being so emotionally honest here. That's hard.

Do you think being stuck in the pain means I am doing something wrong?

I wouldn't think about grieving in terms or right or wrong... .I think the issue is that you are hurting and is there more you can do to process it... .

I am 9 months out of a 2 month relationship.

This is a huge clue that what hurts you is more than just the relationship failing - something painful from the past is most likely also at play here. 8 weeks typically doesn't drive 9 months or suffering. Do you know what it is?

I don't feel as strongly that it's the rejection or the things she had to say to me/about me as a person, though those don't feel great. What hurts is still holding on, so why can't I just stop?

Why does this connection seem so fulfilling when I have good friends trying to be kind to me, and I feel sort of hollow when I am with them?

You felt loved. Friends don't provide that. You had dreams. Friends don't provide that. Now they are shattered.

I think you have done a good job narrowing in on what you are grieving.

This may sound trite, but do you think you are fighting to win right now, for fighting to survive? Fighting to win would be to accept that the relationship is over, and building yourself up to start another. Fighting to survive, is a wounded animal, trying not to be consumed by their pain.

At some point in everyone recovery, I think there is that moment when they say, I'm not going to be wounded anymore. I've endured enough, I'm done with being wounded. No one cares but me. When I stop caring about the emotional wound, it is over.

Seems brutal, but it is CBT at its roots.

Skip

[Harley Quinn]

Hi vanx,

I'm truly humbled by your openness here.  It sounds like you have reached a point that you perhaps needed in yourself to reach.  Firstly can I just say that another way to frame 'I know it is wrong to say' is to instead accept that it is OK to feel as you do.  There are no right or wrong feelings.  They are what they are, whether we like them or not.  What you resist persists.  Mindfulness teaches us that accepting and welcoming our feelings (treat them as guests in your own home() allows them to pass through more easily.  Let's face it, if we already feel bad then feeling bad about feeling bad only heaps on more difficult emotion.  Try to be kind to yourself.

I'm inclined to agree with Skip that the pain may originate from something else in your life and that it is surfacing now.  I feel that is a big contributor to my own experience both inside and out of the r/s.  To respond to one of your questions, you are doing nothing wrong - on the contrary you are truly reflecting on what you CAN do, which is a huge right step in my opinion.   

If I meditate on the questions of what it is that hurts, it's that I feel I am very much in love with her and long to be close, which is my true feeling though I know it is wrong to say, because I know I didn't know her long enough... I feel deeply sad about my mental illness and hers, and have a powerful dream of getting through to her, and the issues we struggle with disappearing. I don't feel as strongly that it's the rejection or the things she had to say to me/about me as a person, though those don't feel great. What hurts is still holding on, so why can't I just stop?

Do you think that you have ever felt this way before (longing to be close and holding onto that), and if so, would you be able to identify the first time in your life that was?  You don't necessarily need to share that with us, however it may provide a clue for yourself as to where this feeling stems from.

You've mentioned meditation (don't get me started!) so I thought of this article and guided meditation which you may find helpful right now.  Don't feel obligated, however I do attempt to do this at every opportunity.  It's around sitting with difficult emotions.  I hope if you give it a whirl you find it useful.

https://www.mindful.org/science-practice-staying-present-difficult-times/

Love and light x

 

[roberto516]

If I meditate on the questions of what it is that hurts, it's that I feel I am very much in love with her and long to be close, which is my true feeling though I know it is wrong to say, because I know I didn't know her long enough

I want to be honest here. Please take this or leave this but it is what I know to be an effective way to get unstuck.

I see that you say this is your feeling. But it is not your feeling. This is your thought. As long as someone stays rooted to a thought and events around thoughts they will continue to gain momentum until we successfully distract ourself enough until time helps it become more suppressed/numbed.

The true feeling might be something like fear, sadness, loneliness, etc. It's not my place to tell you what that real feeling is as it is your feeling to have.

Next is important. Once you can begin to identify the feeling it's important to take a step back, as skip suggested, and begin to figure out where the negative reaction to this feeling has come from. It's usually childhood. Take a gander at some of my posts to see what is up with me and my childhood.

Anyway, once you figure out the feeling and kinda identify where it really, truly comes from, it is time to let it go for the moment. There are lots of ways to do that. Some people picture the feeling in their mind as the actual word, breathe in and visualize it going to the stomach, breathe out and watch the words be exhaled through the mouth.

Some people merely identify the feeling and where it comes from and say something to themselves like "I accept this and I do not have to react to this the same way I did because I'm not a hurt child anymore." etc etc.

But getting to the feeling is the core here. Because our feelings are ours uniquely. If we think about what if or the longing or the sadness it prolongs healing because we stay stuck and focused on something our of our control. If I'm angry and I realize it's not at someone who cut me off in traffic but because I hate to be inconvenienced or feel disrespected well... .I can control how I process my feelings of disrespect. I can't control the driver who cut me off.

Hope some of this helps and I hope this doesn't come off as discredting or downplaying your feelings. Just offering a possible road map on the way to getting out of this if it works for you.

[vanx]

I'm glad I posted, because I find the responses I got to be really helpful. I am going to respond quite a bit here as an exercise in exploring what's going on more. Thank you for your responses.

there's a lot of self judgment in your reflections. When you say you know it's wrong to say, what do you mean? I'm not sure I buy that you aren't entitled to the feelings a relationship generated just because it didn't last very long.

Looking back, I see you are right about the self judgement. I guess my T has been emphatic that I was not in love because love takes time to be, but it's definitely true that these are the feelings I had/have. I appreciate you saying what you did.

What feelings with your BPD ex made you feel connected, that you can't seem to replicate with anyone else?

We just seemed on the same page and so similar. This could be seen as mirroring, but since we work together, I got to sort of just observe her, how she interacts with others, so I think there is more to the story here.
Then there is the physical aspect, and touching, holding, the desire to be close (initially at least). At first she seemed really into communicating and working through differences, in a way that other people I had dated were not so into. She was just really cute and made me laugh a lot. I don't know what it was otherwise. I just liked her so much.

something painful from the past is most likely also at play here. 8 weeks typically doesn't drive 9 months or suffering. Do you know what it is?

I'm not sure. I think it is so rare that I feel connected to another person in the way that I desire to be, the way I felt with my pwBPD. I'm stuck trying to figure out what there isn't resolution to the way I want it... .wanting to understand if I lost what I think I did, or if I had what I thought I had. The lessons, and the way things stand, indicate that we did not have the special connection I thought.
The feedback I receive would indicate it has to do with my early childhood. To be sure, I never felt close to my parents the way I wanted. I never felt like I had solid ground to stand on at home. I was a sensitive child, and my anxieties often annoyed or angered my mom, so I felt scared to share my fears and felt very alone with them.
I've never had a strong sense of myself, and the feedback I got from my ex about myself spoke to my deepest fears in relationships, that I am needy, that my emotions are out of control, that I invent things that aren't there in my mind or assume the worst. I can't reintegrate myself as a decent man, I can't settle on a balanced truth of what happened, and she is not going to take ownership of how some of her behavior may have hurt me. I feel a tenderness because I understand she is not malicious--she is mentally ill and suffering. Her hurtful feedback seems to have some basis in reality. Here was a woman who finally got me, finally someone who was interested in me, but there was a cruel twist in store, and it cost me my already fragile identity. I'm stuck because I can't put myself back together, feel attractive/lovable, or feel confident I am a decent man.

This may sound trite, but do you think you are fighting to win right now, for fighting to survive? Fighting to win would be to accept that the relationship is over, and building yourself up to start another. Fighting to survive, is a wounded animal, trying not to be consumed by their pain.

At some point in everyone recovery, I think there is that moment when they say, I'm not going to be wounded anymore. I've endured enough, I'm done with being wounded. No one cares but me. When I stop caring about the emotional wound, it is over.

Seems brutal, but it is CBT at its roots.

I am definitely just fighting to survive, and can appreciate the difference here. As for the rest of what you wrote here, it doesn't seem brutal, but getting to the point of what could help me, so I appreciate this. I will take this on as an affirmation, so I thank you. It is quite a kindness to oneself to say "I've endured enough".

   

Do you think that you have ever felt this way before (longing to be close and holding onto that), and if so, would you be able to identify the first time in your life that was?  You don't necessarily need to share that with us, however it may provide a clue for yourself as to where this feeling stems from.

 

That's a good question. Well, yes, I have felt this way in romantic relationships many times before (though not quite this strongly for the most part). But the first time I'm sure would be with my mom. I felt a need to be close to her, and was very worried about her being sad, and often she was annoyed how clingy I was.

Thank you for sharing this video--I am going to watch this tonight. I love guided meditation and it's really kind of you to share!

I see that you say this is your feeling. But it is not your feeling. This is your thought. As long as someone stays rooted to a thought and events around thoughts they will continue to gain momentum until we successfully distract ourself enough until time helps it become more suppressed/numbed.

I appreciate you pointing this out, and you are right. The feeling would be loneliness or anxiety. It's a helpful reminded about distracting and also as you write later about sitting with unpleasant feelings. I appreciate you treading carefully, but I find what you write here pretty validating.

"I accept this and I do not have to react to this the same way I did because I'm not a hurt child anymore."

Wow, this is great. It's really simple and direct, and it identifies the feeling as being someone old and no longer needed as an adult. Along with what Skip shared, I am going to use this as a new affirmation.

Thank you all for your really useful input!