Overwhelmed

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sitting in a park right now because I left the house. H has been in attack mode since last night. He is out of weed and I am enemy #1. Today I can do nothing right. He has called me stupid and dumb. We argue. He calms down and 30 min later starts back in again on something new. The most recent is that I couldn't get the water hose to turn off and I didn't ask for help (because I was trying to figure it out myself) and that is disrespectful towards him.

I failed to validate. I honestly just didn't feel like trying to. When he is like this I have no interest or care about how he feels. I'm too worked up emotionally.

I could tell he was getting too worked up because he started banging his fists on the counter. I told him I was going to give us a short break while I went to grab lunch. He accused me of leaving him. I told him I'm bringing it back for us and he yelled because I didn't tell him that to start with. I just said I'll be back in a little bit and walked out.

I don't want to go home if the whole day is like this. I need to get myself under control and I have difficulty doing that once I'm already worked up. Once I shut off caring emotions for him it's hard for me to get back to a place where I can validate him if his dysregulatuons are too frequent. Guess I'll just sit at the park until I can chill myself out and read some workshops.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Tattered Heart! Sorry to hear about your day today! How is the park? I know what you mean, it's draining and sometimes our own emotional wells run dry to deal with this stuff. Do you think showing up with some prepared food will make any difference, get you a small amount of gratitude or peace? Thinking of you! You are not alone!

[pearlsw]

Checking back in to see how you are holding up today! Are you feeling okay?

[snowglobe]

@TatteredHeart,   first and foremost, I hope that you remind yourself that you are ok, and this is your H's diagnosis, and not you. I'm currently in the same emotional state, emotionally disreputable for, weepy and angry. He has been trying to provoke me into a fight and I feel like I'm in a fishbowl every move, decision, or action I make causes him to criticize and insult me. I'm so tired and exhausted from swimming against the current that I just went into the bedroom, closed the door behind me and laid down in bed. I try to think that he is probably hurting more then I do, but it doesn't make me feel any more emphasizing towards him. If you attend to his needs and just remain physically present, does it help the storm to come down? It usually helps in my case, but I'm too hurt and tired to try.

[Tattered Heart]

I was gone for about an hour and got myself calmed down and not on the verge of losing it on him.  Brought tacos from our favorite restaurant. He asked if we were going to fight all day and I told him I hope not. He apologized for yelling but then began to justify it again.  I validated and that seemed to work for a bit (like 5 minutes).

He then began to talk about my faith and started to attack my beliefs. I set a boundary and explained that with us fighting this morning that this was too touchy of a subjecy and then suggested we get out of the house to go do something.

He surprisingly agreed and we went to a flea market and got ice cream. His energy is not as tense or chaotic now so hopefully he got it out of his system. 

[waverider]

It is hard when it gets to this stage, your way of handling it is about the best way you can do it. Avoiding being baited or trying too hard to validate it away, which just adds fuel to it. Disengaging and physically changing the environment is also helpful.

[Xanadu]

Tattered Heart,

I have a BPDH that has used marijuana most of our married life. For many years I thought his mood swings were from smoking it but now I am informed.

 I was impressed with how you handled things. I find it hard to not take the attacks personally and I'm finding the more I read other's experiences I can apply and use the same techniques in my own relationship. Thank you for sharing.