Will she be different in her next relationship?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex gf and her mum claim that I am the only guy that she'd ever had trouble with. So will she be different in her next relationship? Was it just me?

She displayed such obvious BPD traits in her relationship with me including suicide threats, fake pregnancies, and lying about cancer when I tried to leave, extreme emotional instability and acting out, including keying my car after an argument, baiting me and then playing the victim when I reacted, major victim mentality, cheating on me and telling me about it, self loathing, unstable sense of self, etc.

She was extremely into me at the start and for years, but I could tell at the start something was wrong so I kept her at arms length. This drove her to do anything to get with me, as she couldn't accept rejection at all. She was 22 when we met. Her past boyfriend had apparently left her because he said she was ugly. She also had a restraining order put on a girl at school who apparently forced her to be raped by a man in his 40s multiple times. Yet, I am the only one she had problems with... .doesn't make sense to me.

My theory is that the other guys fell at her feet, and subsequently she wasn't that into them. As soon as they showed her they were into her, she stopped caring. This avoided the prolonged insane emotional outbursts I received; she just didn't care enough. I held her back for a long time because she was so intense, I didn't want to be with her. This led to strong emotional reactions. I also had a lot of friends, my own place, and a good life in general. She didn't have these things and I believe she was jealous of me for it. So when I held her at arms length it brought out all the emotions, and she HAD to have me, she HAD to beat me. That's the only reason I can think that I'm the only guy she'd had problems with before.

For info I'd never had trouble in any of my previous relationships at all. I can be a bit difficult sometimes, but not particularly, and I certainly do not have a personality disorder, have never been raped, have never been arrested, have never had any trouble at all. I believe that people are inherently good, and I had never met anyone like this girl and assumed she was just emotional. A serious lesson has been learnt! They definitely aren't!

Since she left me abruptly, she has seen a guy but she ended it because he was "too sweet" and "who wants sweet?" (her words).

I just can't see how she will be with someone that treats her well. As soon as I fell for her I was tossed out. The game was over for her, and she won.

Anyone else been told they're the only one that their partners had problems with? And experience of if they do continue the same pattern in future relationships regardless.

I think with this particular person it is only a matter of time until she instates herself in the position of power through a series of manipulation tactics, at which point the abuse really starts. Whilst the guy will be unwittingly looking for a normal balanced relationship with this amazing all-loving person, her mind meanwhile is seeking to find someone that will be her surrogate parents and do anything for her, which means control; that's what it seems to be about. So she must have control, or she must be controlled.

I can see no way that anyone will, in the context of a life long relationship, be able to avoid her switching to her darkside and her resenting their existence. The only way to keep her under control is intimidation. If you sympathise with her victim mentality you will start to lose control, and this is something most decent men will do, it's in their nature to protect women, especially those who claim to love them. Therefore the only man I can see her staying with for a very long time is an abusive man who may well keep her controlled, however, it will be a particularly nasty existence.  I think she would actually enjoy an abusive partner, as she will respect him for it. She seems respect those who are effectively bullies. Is this a common BPD trait?

Lap dog is probably a bad term. But I began to try to make it work.

What led to the fall from power is that she got bored and she didn't need me anymore. That's the sad truth. For her "love" didn't mean love, it meant an overwhelming desire to have something that she doesn't have. My perspective on our feelings for each other way SO far off what hers was. As soon as she started cheating (triangulating the relationship) and I started fighting for her, well that was it. She had other options, and I was now fighting for her. That wasn't fun for her. She didn't want something that was obtainable, she wanted what was unobtainable.

The next guy is a new source of excitement and a new game to play.

[Elmurr]

My ex gf and her mum claim that I am the only guy that she'd ever had trouble with. So will she be different in her next relationship? Was it just me?

She displayed such obvious BPD traits in her relationship with me including suicide threats, fake pregnancies, and lying about cancer when I tried to leave, extreme emotional instability and acting out, including keying my car after an argument, baiting me and then playing the victim when I reacted, major victim mentality, cheating on me and telling me about it, self loathing, unstable sense of self, etc.

She was extremely into me at the start and for years, but I could tell at the start something was wrong so I kept her at arms length. This drove her to do anything to get with me, as she couldn't accept rejection at all. She was 22 when we met. Her past boyfriend had apparently left her because he said she was ugly. She also had a restraining order put on a girl at school who apparently forced her to be raped by a man in his 40s multiple times. Yet, I am the only one she had problems with... .doesn't make sense to me.

My theory is that the other guys fell at her feet, and subsequently she wasn't that into them. As soon as they showed her they were into her, she stopped caring. This avoided the prolonged insane emotional outbursts I received; she just didn't care enough. I held her back for a long time because she was so intense, I didn't want to be with her. This led to strong emotional reactions. I also had a lot of friends, my own place, and a good life in general. She didn't have these things and I believe she was jealous of me for it. So when I held her at arms length it brought out all the emotions, and she HAD to have me, she HAD to beat me. That's the only reason I can think that I'm the only guy she'd had problems with before.

For info I'd never had trouble in any of my previous relationships at all. I can be a bit difficult sometimes, but not particularly, and I certainly do not have a personality disorder, have never been raped, have never been arrested, have never had any trouble at all. I believe that people are inherently good, and I had never met anyone like this girl and assumed she was just emotional. A serious lesson has been learnt! They definitely aren't!

Since she left me abruptly, she has seen a guy but she ended it because he was "too sweet" and "who wants sweet?" (her words).

I just can't see how she will be with someone that treats her well. As soon as I fell for her I was tossed out. The game was over for her, and she won.

Anyone else been told they're the only one that their partners had problems with? And experience of if they do continue the same pattern in future relationships regardless.

I think with this particular person it is only a matter of time until she instates herself in the position of power through a series of manipulation tactics, at which point the abuse really starts. Whilst the guy will be unwittingly looking for a normal balanced relationship with this amazing all-loving person, her mind meanwhile is seeking to find someone that will be her surrogate parents and do anything for her, which means control; that's what it seems to be about. So she must have control, or she must be controlled.

I can see no way that anyone will, in the context of a life long relationship, be able to avoid her switching to her darkside and her resenting their existence. The only way to keep her under control is intimidation. If you sympathise with her victim mentality you will start to lose control, and this is something most decent men will do, it's in their nature to protect women, especially those who claim to love them. Therefore the only man I can see her staying with for a very long time is an abusive man who may well keep her controlled, however, it will be a particularly nasty existence.  I think she would actually enjoy an abusive partner, as she will respect him for it. She seems respect those who are effectively bullies. Is this a common BPD trait?

Lap dog is probably a bad term. But I began to try to make it work.

What led to the fall from power is that she got bored and she didn't need me anymore. That's the sad truth. For her "love" didn't mean love, it meant an overwhelming desire to have something that she doesn't have. My perspective on our feelings for each other way SO far off what hers was. As soon as she started cheating (triangulating the relationship) and I started fighting for her, well that was it. She had other options, and I was now fighting for her. That wasn't fun for her. She didn't want something that was obtainable, she wanted what was unobtainable.

The next guy is a new source of excitement and a new game to play.

[roberto516]

Can my ex maybe find someone who will allow themselves to be controlled 100%? Maybe. I see couples who have been together a loonnngggg time where one is the controller. For me, at least, I could only do it for so long until I needed caretaking. And that was the death knell of the relationship. I never tried to control her other than ask her to please speak to me about her feelings and to try and compromise with me.

Had I started the relationship as a distant, controlling person it probably would have been right up her alley. But when she saw I was a kind, empathetic caretaker she viewed me as perfect parent who can't disappoint. When I did that was where the resentment came down, like you said. Had I not shown her my true self and kept her in a position of manipulation then it would've lasted longer I'm sure.

Even the most recent ex seemed to treat her pretty unwell (from what she said). During arguments he would leave and tell her he was going to hang out with girls he used to sleep with. What did she do always? Beg for him back. If I hadn't come into the picture she would have probably went back to him. It was normal to her. It's sad in a way.

One time I asked her if she ever begged for someone back like I was doing with her. She said, "yes. my ex-fiance after he cheated on me." I think that when they can't have the love it's a subconscious pursuing of what they wanted from a parent/caretaker. Once they get the love they always wanted they expect the caretaking to continue unabated until the end of time. In my opinion it's a lose lose.

People with serious traits or the actual disorder, in my opinion, will find it hard to change. It first means admitting fault and looking into the dark closets of their childood which will only upend the narrative they thought about their families. That could destroy their whole ego.

I mean look at me. I want to learn about myself, my faulty coping mechanisms, and change how I react and feel emotions. And it is soo hard even with the desire to do it!

I'm a firm believer that you can't change you relationship dynamics without understanding where they come from. I wanted to know where they came from and still had wall after wall up until I had my epiphany that my family was pretty messed up and my parents were not the all loving saints I made them out to be. Without that insight I would have kept repeating the patterns.

So I would look at all these factors. Even age. Studies suggest that in our early 30's the neural connections we have tend to harden. Obviously people change thoughts and behaviors all the time but as we age it makes it much more difficult to do so.

In my situation, if my ex finds someone who keeps her at a safe distance she will pine for that affection and attention. Once she gets him, it will probably switch to him being the parent. Then it will be up to him to be okay with that or to have enough and leave. Looks like the same situation as yours.

All I know is that I want to change for myself knowing all of this. It's her life now and even if she finds someone and they stay married the rest of their lives I know deep down it probably won't be what I believe real love is. So it's not something that I would ever want to be a part of again.

[Elmurr]

I'm some 4 months out now, and things are a LOT better. I thought I was going insane when it first happened, I literally felt like my world was collapsing around me. It was incredibly cold the way it was done and a complete blindside which was 5 days after she'd  told me she loved me and talked about our future together. Terrifying, and extremely traumatising. It was without a doubt the most psychologically damaging experience of my life by a considerable distance. But now I probably spend about 1 - 2 hours a day thinking about it. Rather than every waking second!

She went travelling last year and she started seeing a guy in NZ. We had an argument over text (always over text!) and she broke up with me. Later that night she told me she'd been sleeping with a guy (much less pleasant language was used), then sent me a photo of her and him together in NZ and went on to describe having sex with him and how much he pleased her. She then told me he was leaving in 2 weeks and apologised for another "moment". We then rekindled things and skyped often, but of course her phone would "run out of battery" or she'd have no credit to talk. Then when she came back to England I found messages to him on her phone saying how much she loved him and that she'd made a mistake coming home.

I didn't want to lose her, for some mad reason, and so we talked about it and decided to rekindle things. She justified what she'd done in her usual bizarre way, which I accepted as I have always been an overly trusting person. Anyway, when I took her back, right then, I lost control. She also lost respect for me for doing it and I knew I was on the back foot.

It was a constant battle from then on to try to keep her. That was August last year.

I don't know whether or not she will carry on in her same manner in her future relationships. But I do know that she possesses traits that are not those of someone I want to spend my life with, no matter how incredible her body was and how unbelievable she was in bed (which she really was)! This is why I kept her away for so long; that and the fact that she told me she would take everything from me if I ever left her, and kept threatening to kill herself! I also know that if the next man does not control her, or bend over backwards to keep her happy whilst at the same time maintaining his self respect and not letting her get away with whatever she wants, he will face the same fate. The same mad behaviour. The same anxiety. And the same confusion. That's not something I could spend my life living with. She just isn't for me! And I knew it. Doesn't make it any easier though when you find out that you've given so much to someone who was on a completely different page to you the whole time.

[FSTL]

I think with this particular person it is only a matter of time until she instates herself in the position of power through a series of manipulation tactics, at which point the abuse really starts. Whilst the guy will be unwittingly looking for a normal balanced relationship with this amazing all-loving person, her mind meanwhile is seeking to find someone that will be her surrogate parents and do anything for her, which means control; that's what it seems to be about. So she must have control, or she must be controlled.

What led to the fall from power is that she got bored and she didn't need me anymore.  For her "love" didn't mean love, it meant an overwhelming desire to have something that she doesn't have. My perspective on our feelings for each other way SO far off what hers was. As soon as she started cheating (triangulating the relationship) and I started fighting for her, well that was it.

The next guy is a new source of excitement and a new game to play.

I can so identify with this - my BPDx was desperate to be with me when I wasn't completely available and used every manipulation tactic in the book. She then cheated on me as soon as I became available and then dined on me chasing her. She then chased after another guy for entertainment, was rejected, came back to me. And on it went. She told me she didn't feel the same way about me anymore, even though all that had changed was that I was available... .

She now comes back only when she thinks I might be drifting away... .just to check I am still available (in her mind) before rejecting me again (again, in her mind). It's nothing but a sick game.

Someone like this can't, without a lot of personal growth, sustain a healthy relationship and mine was barely aware of her issues, despite therapy (which she has now stopped, apparently).

I don't lose any sleep about the "next guy" or whether it was me that made her act act. I own my part and move on to a healthier relationship.

[Elmurr]

It is a bizarre trait to seek only those things that we can't have, but it is a common one. Obsessing over someone in response to rejection stems from having parents who emotionally rejected them as children. To them, this feeling of rejection is normal. It is a precursor for what they interpret to be "love". Their parents emotionally rejected them, but they had unconditional love for them. Love to them is painful. Strong emotions of hurt, pain, and obsession are what their definition of love is. It is also a battle to avoid social rejection, which for some becomes literally an addictive obsession. Personal rejection on any level to someone with BPD is a huge NO NO! So the game begins within them. And as soon as that object becomes available, the game is over, and the obsession disappears. Add to that a fear of genuine intimacy and all of a sudden a less available or emotionally attached man becomes a far more attractive target. And so begins the devaluation.

Sadly these people will never compassionately cut ties over an emotional face to face talk in which the exact reasons for them leaving are addressed. They are cowards, and giving no closure is a defence mechanism to protect their fragile self image and avoid being shamed. The approach instead is always to maintain themselves in the position of the victim. They were the victim of you when you were rejecting them. Now that they no longer want you, they must turn you into a bad person in order to both justify any infidelity they have committed, and to justify leaving you.

The usual way they do this is to find a new man, emotionally detach from you whilst keeping you around, and then to start pushing you to the limit. The result of this will be that you fight for them harder. They will likely do something so bad that you are forced to break up with them, or bait you into reacting in order for them to justify breaking up with you. They will then likely sleep with someone and tell you they have done it, and they justify it because either you broke up with them, or you reacted in a way which made them have to break up with you. This perversely makes you fight for them harder. And you blame yourself for it!

If you allow them back in after this, it is only a matter of time until they push you further again. And it will be further and further, until either they suddenly disappear from your life completely as if you never existed, or you react, in which case they will label you an abuser, cut ties, and feel completely justified in everything they did. She will not view it as an emotional goodbye, and they will have no understanding of why you're upset and traumatised. My ex actually said to me when I was trying to speak to her when she left me "urgh, this is not an emotionally goodbye XX". You are now painted black and everyone must know how abusive and cruel you are, and you must know that it is YOUR fault that the relationship failed. The fact they were cheating and caused the break up is completely lost in translation. You're left confused, without closure, and wondering what the hell just happened?

It is extremely traumatising, and takes months of processing to begin to understand what was actually going on.

In terms of how they will be with their next partner, I just cannot imagine that they will ever be different. The victim mentality is so deeply entrenched. It really is a matter of time until the same behaviours resurface. Usually when she has tested the man enough to identify his weaknesses, and when she starts to see that she can "get to him".

If anyone has any examples of whether their exes have been different in their next relationships, it would be interesting to hear them.

[roberto516]

It is a bizarre trait to seek only those things that we can't have, but it is a common one. Obsessing over someone in response to rejection stems from having parents who emotionally rejected them as children. To them, this feeling of rejection is normal. It is a precursor for what they interpret to be "love". Their parents emotionally rejected them, but they had unconditional love for them. Love to them is painful. Strong emotions of hurt, pain, and obsession are what their definition of love is.

I agree with your whole statement. But I think their view of love is not rejection. I think it's the "perfect parent" and "perfect honeymoon" and "the parent who will never leave or upset me, or cause me any harm". But when that doesn't happen, since every human will eventually get upset or feel hurt by their partner then they sense the possible abandonment coming. Instead of "he or she is upset let's talk about this and find a compromise." I think it's more "This isn't working anymore. He might leave me soon." So someone begins to play their cards closer to their chest so to speak. Naturally, that type of behavior will inevitably lead, mostly, to the partner wanting to finally leave. It's a difficult cycle. A similar cycle I noticed in myself in previous relationships and a little bit in this one. It's about changing that cycle. As I said before, easier said than done for any human with learned behaviors; disordered or not.

[Elmurr]

The application of my brush can only go as far as my own ex of course, but if people can relate then that's great.

I have done an enormous amount of self reflection since the end. I was left believing that I was crazy, and I searched hard to figure out if this was true. I was completely open to facing the harsh truth if indeed I was crazy. I wanted to know what had happened and to make sense of it, and if it was all my fault, as I was left believing but unable to accept, then I wanted to be learn from it.

I know I held her back at the start, and I apologised for this later on. But that was irrelevant. She needed to have things to use against me. So if it wasn't that, it was something else. It is exhausting. "Yeah, I slept with someone for months behind your back, but you ignored me at the start of the relationship so get over it!", and I think "Am I completely nuts, or is that not fair?". This happened so often I found myself questioning everything, and even trying to justify her keying my car to my brother when I tried to leave her because of her stalking.

I apologised endlessly for everything, even for her own lies to try to satisfy her need for a sense of redemption. Yet she never apologised for anything. Nothing, ever. When I specifically asked her for apologies and listed some things, her response was "I don't have to time to apologise to a man like you". She later told me I was pathetic for apologising.

I am not a weak or emotional guy, but women like her! They have powers!

I don't embellish or exaggerate her bad behaviours, I in fact underplay them. I am not painting her or myself as the bad person, I am looking for understanding by sharing the truth, and if that means I am 80% to blame and she is 20% then I don't mind.

The obsession I have is not with controlling her, or causing her harm, as hers was with me, it is with finding some form of closure to allow me to regain my self-esteem and carry on with my life. It has no malicious intent, and that's where the difference lies.

[jambley]

I don't think my ex will change over night without therapy and she does not acknowledge she needs help. She has had three relationships since me, from dating sites... .the second boyfriend she used for transport for shopping, I met her once in the supermarket. The last one was a farmer, probably a nice guy but her behaviour may have put him off. I can see her patterns so clearly, she won't change.

[roberto516]

I want to reiterate again because this is very sad. Many people, disordered or not, go to therapy and don't improve at all. Some people find a therapist that, as we say, co-signs what is happening. It's easy to fall victim to this. Someone comes to therapy and looks helpless and blames the world and only wants to come to get better. Well that can set the whole trend of a therapy relationship where the therapist believes that the individual sitting across from them is a victim of life's circumstances and just has to work through depression and anxiety. So even with therapy, again... .non or not, people will go to therapy to confirm the beliefs they have already held. Someone with undiagnosed BPD can really lay low with what is going on to have the therapist "in their corner"

I had a therapist who, although helpful, really pegged me as the way I saw myself and my situation. It felt off to me. So I went to someone else who challenged me. At times I sat there across from my therapist thinking "You're absolutely wrong!" But guess what? She was right. I could have stayed with the first person and never learned a thing about myself.

[Mutt]

At times I sat there across from my therapist thinking "You're absolutely wrong!" But guess what? She was right. I could have stayed with the first person and never learned a thing about myself.

Are you thinking that if you hadn't sought out the 2nd T, you wouldn't have improved, because of the 1st T? The 1st one forced your hand a little to find a better one, results vary from one T to another T, I think that talent varies from one professional to the next regardless of what field of work that they're in. I work in tech support, I have some peers that are terrible and some are brilliant, others fall somewhere in the middle. That being said.

Are you talking about your personal experience? Do you feel better or about the same after you started therapy?

[lovenature]

I think she would actually enjoy an abusive partner, as she will respect him for it. She seems respect those who are effectively bullies. Is this a common BPD trait?

PWBPD push you away when you get too close and trigger their fear of engulfment; the kinder, more compassionate you are the worse it gets. They treat you better overall when there is arguing/fighting because you aren't too close but clearly show an attachment is still in place.

The cycle ALWAYS repeats with one replacement after another unless the PWBPD commits to YEARS of therapy.