five years trying to make this work - still don´t know what to do yet

[doredelicia]

Five years ago, I met someone that would change my life forever - for best and for worst. Since the first date things got really weird, but I was so envolved right in the beginning, I couldn´t stop from going totally crazy about her. Just out of the blue, she could be mean, say the most terrible things about me, scream at me, put me down. Right in the beginning, I noticed something was wrong, I tryed to talk to her about finding some help (before I even had any thoughts about BPD), but she got very angry. Actually, she never listened to me about finding some help. In fact, this topic makes things even worst between us, whenever I bring the subject. It´s been five years. She has broken up with me thousands of time (I´m not exagerating). I have been through really tough times. I lost more than 5 kilograms (- and I weight 51!) in the first months, I had anxiety crises that made me need medication. Everything that seemed good about myself she destroyed. Thanks god and thanks to my therapist and due to medication for some period of time, I could feel better about myself and could back to my normal weight. In the first two years, she broke up with me every week. I used to live in a different city and I moved to where I live now to be close to her - 4 years ago. This wasn´t enough. The first two years were complete hell (and heaven, sometimes - that´s what keep us trying, isn´t it?). After that, things improved a little. Still, she broke up with me, like, 4 times a year - including during my birthday last year and in the new years eve (just to give some examples). It sounds like I´m the most stupid person in the world to risk my life again because of her, trying to make things work between us again. Three months ago she invited me to go on a trip to Europe (according to her, another chance to us, as we´re apart since our last break up, since christmas), she even bought the tickets as a surprise for me. Yesterday she said she wish she could cancel the trip, just because she wanted to change the tickets and the hotel to go to Madri and I said (very calmly and respectfully) that better not, once we´ve already paid for everything (including tickets and hotel - no refund!). I try to beg her no to say those kind of things because it hurts me. And what she did? She repeated that once again. It was yesterday, per text messages, we haven´t spoken yet ever since. The trip to Europe is in 6 days from now. I´m reaching my limits once again. I can never tell anything that bothers me. Never! It could be the smallest things. Everything turns into a huge storm. She never can keep a word. I´m seriously very tired and I don´t know what to do. I´m studying to be a judge. That keeps me very busy and I have to be focused, but since yesterday I can´t hardly read a page. Sorry if I´m beeing anoying, or anything. I think it´s just someone that is desperate. She never seems to understand that something is going wrong, all she does is blaming me for everything. She says I´m the sick one. She keeps saying she wil not accept to be treated like someone with some mental disease. Oh, god. Help me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Radcliff]

Hello doredelicia,

Welcome, I'm glad you found us!  You are not being annoying at all.  Everything you described has been seen by someone, and probably many someones, on this board.

First, on the vacation -- my wife has threatened to cancel almost every vacation we've been on.  Accept that it might be canceled and may be beyond your control, but hope it happens as scheduled.  Don't panic.  It's easier if you are ready for the worst, and it probably won't happen.

There is lots to learn about BPD.  Start reading the resources linked on the right of this page, and pick up a couple of books like "Walkiing on Eggshells," or "I Hate You Don't Leave Me."  Keep coming to this board -- I started posting to it in a moment of crisis, but it took me a while to figure out that it's important to come to it regularly and use it as a means of support and learning.  Keep us posted on how things are going with you.  If you can think of a particular question you want help on, let us know.