I keep having thoughts that my BPDx will come back and apologize.

[APB0613]

I don't know. Maybe it's just my ego. I keep having thoughts that my BPDx will come back and apologize. He'll say something along the lines of "I'm sorry i hurt you. Everyday i become more and more aware of the pain I've caused."
We broke up a year and a half ago and there was a recycle attempt recently. When i have these thoughts, which is every night and periodically throughout the day, i try and remove him from the equation so there's only me. So far what I've determined by looking at myself is there's anger still. I'm angry at myself for putting up with the abuse for so long. I'm even looking at these thoughts as a way to bring about closure. I know my BPDx and more recently my narcissistic sociopath "rebound" will never be... .conscious enough to have those conversations with me so I'm having them with myself
Oh i just wish i knew what direction to take. I thought getting away I'd be off the rollercoaster finally but I'm still on it. One day I'm up and feeling good about myself and progress. The next I'm down angry, sad, feeling ruined and empty... .utterly destroyed.
What is this I'm feeling? What are these thoughts trying to tell me? What should i do to let them go with grace? Someone shoot me please

[roberto516]

I hope I'm not over stepping my bounds with what I'm about to share. I firmly believe that our relationships become a psyiological addiction in our brains. The initial phase is that real painful withdrawal. The depression, hopelessness, despair, etc. Then we start feeling better a few hours or days at a time. And then WHAM! Destroyed out of nowhere. Well in the addiction field regarding drink and drugs this is called post acute withdrawal. I have copied a link below that goes into PAWS in depth. This has helped me immensely. I always knew about PAWS for substance dependence but to realize it was happening in me from my relationship addiction was invaluable on the bad days when I remind myself "This is absolutely normal." Hope this helps some and hope it's relatable.

www.americanaddictioncenters.org/withdrawal-timelines-treatments/post-acute-withdrawal-syndrome/

[gotbushels]

Hi APB0613 

You're not alone with these thoughts that your ex will come back and apologise. I too had the apology and acknowledgement of the pain. I got that with possibly more than a dozen recycles.

I do think you're on the right track looking for time to spend with yourself. Anger is a difficult emotion. Can we go further here--why are you angry at yourself for putting up with the abuse for so long; what is it that is making you angry for putting up with it; why are you targeting your anger at yourself?

One day I'm up and feeling good about myself and progress. The next I'm down angry, sad, feeling ruined and empty... .utterly destroyed.

Yes, life is bumpy with or without the pwBPD in our lives. If we just broke up with anyone, those troughs will seem like pits. You're not alone on this one.

What is this I'm feeling? What are these thoughts trying to tell me? What should i do to let them go with grace? Someone shoot me please

I suggest to you self-compassion and patience. Breakups are often difficult. It's often not easy because we've put in time and effort into a relationship, and it didn't work out. So we basically didn't get what we want. When we don't get what we want, of course it's going to hurt. If it means a lot to us, it will hurt more, perhaps for a longer time.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey APB0613, Waiting for an apology from a pwBPD is a thankless vigil so I suggest you let go of this particular outcome because it's highly unlikely.  Instead, I suggest you focus on yourself and your needs.  Removing your Ex from the equation seems wise to me.  Your anger is normal.  I suggest you continue to acknowledge your angry feelings and then let them go, like electricity passing through a lightning rod into the ground.  Concerning what direction to take, only you can find your own way, but to me the answer involves listening to your gut feelings and following the threads that made up your life prior to your BPD r/s.  The goal, I suggest, is to strive for authenticity.  If you're being yourself, you know you're on the right path.

LuckyJim

[APB0613]

Thank you all for the replies. I'm working everyday on being patient with myself and showing myself compassion. Over a year and a half out. Just tired of feeling this way. My T said as time goes on these dips down won't last as long so there's my hope right there. My anger towards myself isn't serving any purpose so i have to let that go. I can't change the past. If I'm really honest i am angry at them too and sometimes i feel like that serves no purpose either because it isn't about them! This is my journey now I'm free it gets so hard to remember that and all I'm thankful for.

[Lucky Jim]

This is my journey now I'm free it gets so hard to remember that and all I'm thankful for.

Right, this is your journey, so continue to be patient and compassionate with yourself.  Maybe it would help just to sit with your feelings and observe, without the need to do anything.  There's no particular timetable for healing, so there's no need to put any pressure on yourself.  Just be yourself or, as Nietzsche put it, "Become who you are"!

LuckyJim

[Joe77]

I hate to be the one to break it to you but waiting for a apology that is never coming and is keeping you attached to the impossible. People with BPD are never wrong and will never admit guilt unless it's used in a manipulative manner to gain control over you. The question is do you want to be controlled, abused, manipulated, isolated, shamed, gas lit, cheated on because you deserve better. You have been emotionally abused by someone stop viewing it as love and accept it was a addiction. She made you feel like you were a god and we all have been manipulated in this manner posting today. It's sad but we have to view these relationships for what they started as 'a lie' it hurts and deeply hurts that someone is able to do this to someone. We grow up thinking people are all good and we trust people and find out one day that was all a lie. Think of yourself as a survivor and know it in your best interest you never receive that a apology because what she did to you is inexcusable. Stay strong we all are survivors.

[jambley]

I hate to be the one to break it to you but waiting for a apology that is never coming and is keeping you attached to the impossible. People with BPD are never wrong and will never admit guilt unless it's used in a manipulative manner to gain control over you.

Very true, there's no point in waiting for an apology because they don't see anything wrong with the most disgraceful of behaviour. You have to accept that they won't apologise, it's very difficult to come to terms with... .lots of further unnecessary hurt I experienced in trying to get her to say sorry, instead I was blamed and faulted more... .just wasn't worth it. One particular insult towards me will take a long time to remove, something so incredibly nasty... .really is best to maintain NC and focus on yourself, vent here on this forum.

I agree with Lucky Jim, focusing on your own needs is a more productive outlet. There is no rush in healing, it takes time to process, in your own time of course. I wish you all the best.

[Lost-love-mind]

Jambley
I was insulted as well. In such a vile manner. The BPD I dated was so amazing at the beginning. Even the night before the breakup event, she said in an e-mail how great I was for totally getting her and was glad things were going so well
Then after a miscommunication (that's a nice word for failing to read her mind) she dumped after a week of blaming texts.
Eight weeks of nc on her part and I send an apologetic email. She sends back texts with vile name calling and insults about my age (i was 10.yrs. older) , the fact my family spawned another retard (she knew my deceased sister was mentally challenged) and she.knew I hated the R word. Insults that you would only expect from a teenager. In fact , her constant texting all day long during our active dating drove me nuts and early on I tried to set a boundary.with her to no avail.
I never had any idea about BPD until this breakup happened with her.
I've dated 4 women in the last year.from.online sites. This BPD is the only one of the 4 that refused my offer of friendship. I'm still in contact from time to time with the other 3. One of those 3 I raged at after drinking all day. Something I never did with the BPD. I never raised my voice to the BPD. Yet, I'm called all sorts of names and told my intellectual level is in question.? This is a woman that never went beyond high school. One time dwe played a word game and she beat me, and I have a law degree. I always complimented her about her intelligence.
As you can see I'm ranting. I just needed to get this ___ off my chest. Thank you.

[hope2727]

I know how you feel. I sometimes wish for that apology too. In reality mine gave me many. He would rage then come home and apologize (often crying) then soon enough he was raging again. I had an email apology after the final discard. It still didn't feel like closure. They can't really apologize in any meaningful way because they don't see themselves in the wrong. Even when mine did there was always a "but" at the end of it. I am sorry I hurt you but you put to much pressure on me. The only closure we will ever find is from within. So put one foot in front of the other. Keep thinking about what kind of person you want to be. Then go and live a life you can look back on and be satisfied with. That is the best we can all hope for after the emotional turmoil of one of these relationships.

[Lucky Jim]

They can't really apologize in any meaningful way because they don't see themselves in the wrong. Even when mine did there was always a "but" at the end of it. I am sorry I hurt you but you put to much pressure on me. The only closure we will ever find is from within.

Nicely said, hope2727.  Due to their black and white thinking, an apology involves putting themselves in the black, which is unlikely to happen, in my experience.  For this reason, they seem unable to take responsibility for their own misbehavior.

LJ