Validation

[Lost in space 20]

So I need some help with validation. My SO and I are going thru another rough patch. I have not seen her in two weeks and we have had very little communication other than some lite texting. Last night she sends me a text that says "I hate you". I was still awake when it came thru but did not respond or open it. I wend to sleep and then when I woke up this morning she had sent another text about one hour after the first one that said "By the way have I told you that I hate you and what you've done to me".

  I opened both texts this morning and am not sure how to respond. I am trying to look past the words and see the feelings. I know she is upset and I feel like I should reply to these texts in some way, but not really sure how.

Thanks in advance for any help

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

What do you think the purpose of these texts was? To get your attention? To hurt you?

You said that you feel like you should respond. What is the message that you want to convey? From those texts what could you validate?

[Lost in space 20]

Tattered Heart

  I think she sent the texts to lash out at me and let me know that she is hurting.

 I feel like I should respond in some way. If I don't respond it could make it worse and she might think that I don't care how she feels, which is the complete opposite. I'm just not really sure how to respond at this point. I thought things might have cooled down by now. Its been two weeks since we last saw each other, and we had a big fight then. I have noticed in the past three years that when our relationship is calm she will start a fight over something and then declare that she "needs a break". In the past I have chased after her and begged and pleaded. This past separation I have not done that. I have responded to her when she has texted me, but I have not initiated any contact. I know she is under a lot of stress right now having started a new job in the last 2 months (nurse), and her job in and of itself is very stressful, plus she is selling her house, and her daughter is in college and not doing well. I believe that all of these things are stressing her out, and stress equals turmoil. 

[Lost-love-mind]

  *)My ex BPD took a new job with heavy physical labor 3 weeks before our breakup. Started constant pain complaints and her demeanor changed. The week before she split and hated me, I had drafted a n email suggesting we take a break until she was acclimated to the new job. I never sent it. Wish I would have. OOPS - THAT IS ONE OF THOSE "IF I only would of... ." moments that keeps me on guilty and shame mode.

Don't respond, give her time. Don't try to validate negativity toward you. Only feeds her disorder.

Good luck.

[FoxC]

I personally find validation towards negativity directed at me very hard. I myself get very angry and upset at first. Then, if (thank God) I didn't react immediately, I calm myself and tell myself that it's not about me. Then, I feel like I have to figure it out, why the BPD is telling me this anyway. Then, I try to validate feelings and it sorts out good for about 1/10. 5/10 the pwBPD is pissed off. 4/10 won't respond, so I don't know the outcome.

So, when it's clear that it's name calling/loathing, I try not to risk anymore and I won't respond. If I feel appropriate, some time later I change the subject or I ask if the person is ok. Works better for me this way.