Trying

[foggydew]

Processing, creative action, and freedom... it all sounds very positive. For some reason I seem to be getting stuck somewhere in this process. My relationship with Friend and his girlfriend is ok, seems to give me some stability and functions as a substitute for a family. There are hitches, of course, but I'm learning to cope with it/them. He is very much smitten with her, but also gives me attention when he can manage, and as she enjoys lots of company but he doesn't, he spends time with me when she's out.
Fine.
However, it seems I just attract people with difficulties. That is ok to some extent, but when you find that your contacts mostly seem to be made up of such people, it makes you question yourself. I truly believe in helping friends in difficulties, but I don't expect people to attack and criticise me if I don't fulfil their invisible criteria. And I am beginning not to like myself very much - I don't know if this is a result of the attacks or because I'm not behaving as I usually behave. Last night I was less than my usually pleasant self to one such friend when she kept me and a taxi and the cars behind waiting - I told her that my values meant I shouldn't obstruct people, and she told me I should conform to local attitudes. No. I have no intention of doing so.
It seems I don't fit in any group of people. I don't have a group into which to fit, anyway. I accepted an invitation for a ladies' evening (! I'm no lady) and tried to make polite conversation, but ended up being provocative because I really don't care too much about social niceties, and I personally like parks where people of all nationalities congregate, so can't join in the fear and criticism. I have little contact with my family, as they are all busy and I'm only an 'in-law' whose husband died. Other friends are also busy, and it doesn't help my self esteem when they don't answer messages or phone calls. Not that I expect immediate answers, but when over a week passes... .you start to feel invisible. And that makes me start to get desperate and I tend to tell people things then that are better kept to myself. I never used to be like this. Is this just what happens when you get older? Doesn't look like a rosy future to me.
And now Friend's girl friend has told me a couple of times that she has stolen clothes from shops. How to react? Am I being trusted or tested? I'd so like a normal give and take friendship with someone. Like I always used to have. What has changed? Me, society, the situation?  I need a drink.

[heartandwhole]

Hi foggydew,

I can relate to what you have written. The aftermath of my relationship with someone with BPD revealed a lot to me that I hadn't realized. It does seem that several of my friends have/had emotional difficulties (even perhaps disorders). It makes sense to me now, given the family dynamic I grew up in.

I also often feel like an outsider. I realize that I've often chosen to be one, e.g., literally living in cultures and countries different from where and how I grew up. I know what you mean about not fitting in, in a group of people. I don't think it's age, although I think many of us do start to care less about fitting in as we get older. I think it's just the way we've dealt with the cards we were dealt in our FOO.    And maybe we're just mavericks!

I don't have answers to your questions, but I want you to know that you are absolutely not alone in your observations. I do think society is always evolving; changing. We are, too. I think as we get older, we are less prone to compromising our values and our integrity—consequences be damned. That can be a blessing and a challenge. Like with what your Friend's girlfriend told you.

How did you react? How did you feel when she told you?

heartandwhole

[foggydew]

Thanks, Heartandwhole, you made my day! Seems like our backgrounds are similar, both with living in different countries and family dynamics. Yes, I have often chosen to be myself in the past, after often trying hard to fit in. It has been something that Friend and I have in common, as he grew up in a very conservative society and was always different. As others did to me occasionally, I tried to reassure him that it's ok to be different. But I need it sometimes too, because feeling (and being) alone all the time is tough. So thanks, Maverick! :-)
The first time Girlfriend told me, I just ignored it and concentrated on other information she was giving me, thinking it was perhaps a joke or way of speaking. The second time I took it seriously, said I didn't think it was a very good idea, but also said I wasn't going to collapse in horror at what she said. I'm in a bit of a weird position, because I was a person in authority at the university she is studying at, and still have a lot of contact. Feel? Just wondered why she told me, when it was in no way necessary. Now I feel a bit wary, but that may be my temporary paranoia that I get used and people don't care about me.

[Skip]

Here's a drink... . 

Processing, creative action, and freedom... it all sounds very positive. For some reason I seem to be getting stuck somewhere in this process... .

Aller Anfang ist schwer. We all get stuck, I believe. It's just a matter of how much.

You were blessed with a long marriage and were a loving wife. You dedicated yourself to him in those last years as cancer slowly wore him down. 27 years is a long time. 2 years is a lot of intense caretaking. You're in that group (50%) of marriages that go the duration. This says a lot about you.

You were also blessed with a males friend who helped you through those tough years after your husband died. Many people are just left alone. He's still in your life, albeit awkwardly, and you provide each other some level of family.

But now what? Right?

You have done well so far. How do you go forward and not turn down that road of bitterness. How do you not go down the path of getting into a dysfunctional relationship?

You know a lot about making relationships work that few of us do and you are asking the right questions now.

New beginnings are hard. Do you feel you are at a point to start a new?

[foggydew]

Skip, bless you. You made me laugh with your bottle and you made me cry. You made me feel I exist and you gave me a bit of self confidence and hope. I very much respect your dedication and your views, and the energy you put into your answers. In a time where I Don't find a lot of people to relate to in that way, you provide me with a role model. I am grateful.
After writing the original here I decided to get away for a bit. Friend was going away with girlfriend for a holiday, so he asked me to dig out a few things for him... fishing gear etc. So I did, took them to him... .but he wasn't in the mood to even speak to me. I picked up the whole lot and took it away with me, and wrote a note expressing my disappointment at his behaviour. Explained to girlfriend... Then I left for the sun, and went walking. And, lo, people talked to me, were friendly! 5 good chats in one day! Is that motivating? And a reply from Skip today! Forward!
 

[heartandwhole]

How are you feeling about this these days, foggydew?

[foggydew]

Heartandwhole, thank you for asking. I'm doing OK. Skip's words helped a lot, as did the feeling that you have had similar experiences, and finding nice people to talk to helped me through another difficult patch. I visited some friends who are a bit dysfunctional - he talks incessantly, and she finds something to attack me about every time I visit. Usually it's about my partners - why I can't find normal men to have a partnership with. The last few times I've been in tears at some point - it is so difficult to be logical when one person is talking constantly and the other is finding fault all the time. She is a psychologist, so she is pretty good at leading me on. This time her idea was that I defend men but criticise women. I tried SET, but nothing worked, so I just sat and smiled and thought about what people here had said. After a while they quietened down... .and I do not intend to go back. They tell me that they just give me advice because they love me... oh yes? But only a shiny me, who has no problems, and who listens to all their stories. Well, no. I'm not that person. I don't even want to be.
 When I think about Friend, with all his difficulties, his unpleasantnesses, etc... .he actually gives me a thousand times more than these people have ever done. So if one can find a way to deal/cope with non 'normal' people, there are untold benefits. And so I am sitting here smiling, and hoping I can keep hold of the key to feeling ok. Being a maverick is fine, if you can sometimes find other mavericks so you don't feel totally displaced.
And I have just had a coffee, nothing stronger! :-)

[heartandwhole]

But only a shiny me, who has no problems, and who listens to all their stories. Well, no. I'm not that person. I don't even want to be.

I totally relate this this!

And so I am sitting here smiling, and hoping I can keep hold of the key to feeling ok.

Yep. You go, foggydew. I think that key for me is valuing myself as much as I value others. Knowing that I am worthy and okay exactly as I am. Knowing I can grow and change, too.

Being a maverick is fine, if you can sometimes find other mavericks so you don't feel totally displaced.

I think there are more mavericks out there than we know 

heartandwhole