I think I am ruined

[gah]

My BPD ex has done a number on my ability to care, trust, let someone inand want love.  It's been 2.5 years since we broke-up.  He married one of the people he was cheating with.  I'm bitter and jealous of the good guy before his passenger showed up and effed everything up... .

I bought a house by myself recently and it brought up the trauma of buying a house with him and having to midnight move less than 2 months later.  I have never dealt with it - I just kept moving.

I have been with a guy for two years.  He is schzoid and likely also has PPD. It is a rollercoaster.  He verbally abuses me, he manipulates, he lies, he hates intimacy of all kinds... .and I am ok with this.  I am broken.  I know I am with him because I do not have it in me to get close, and he can't.  My friends all think I'm nuts.  I think I'm nuts.  I am in my late 40s and I am wasting time with him when I could be finding a decent guy.  I don't think I deserve a decent guy.  I don't know if I'd survive another heartbreak. 

Anyone else feel like this?

[heartandwhole]

Hi gah,

I'm sorry you are feeling ruined. I can relate to what you wrote about the experience doing a number on your ability to trust and let someone in. It's really tough to get through this kind of ripping apart of the status quo.

It sounds to me like you may not have had enough time to properly grieve the loss. Not just the loss of the relationship, but also the many losses throughout your life that weren't dealt with, and which likely reared their heads at the time of the breakup. What do you think?

In my experience, issues we haven't faced can remain submerged but actually "run the show" pretty effectively. Do you think there is still some stuff that needs attention and care, and that's why you have accepted a relationship that isn't fulfilling?

Keep posting about it. You are definitely not alone.  

heartandwhole

[takingandsending]

I don't think I deserve a decent guy.  I don't know if I'd survive another heartbreak.  

Anyone else feel like this?

Hey, gah. Sure. I think this is a common feeling for many of us who have been in relationship with a person with a PD. I am in process of divorce after a 17 year marriage to my uBPDxw. I have been doing a lot of soul searching of how I came to be where I am. I think the not deserving and the fear of rejection/heartbreak were and still are prime players in my life. When I examine my past relationships, they all involved being pursued by a partner in such a way that I knew they were interested in me, so I did not have to risk being rejected. I also believe the feeling of not deserving has led me into relationships with people where I was the more emotionally stable/centered one. At one point in marriage counseling session, I had a thought  , "I need to be seen as the rational/reasonable person in my relationship. If someone were healthier than me, they wouldn't want to be with me" (aka "I am not deserving".

Does any of that resonate with you? It's a raw place to live. But, I am slowly trying to treat myself the way I try to treat others - with kindness and respect. I am determined to build some muscles around self love and self acceptance, because I think that is the only way out of this cycle.

I hope any of this is helpful to you. I hope that you can find an opening to be there for yourself, not in judgment, but acceptance of where you are right now and compassion for how you got there.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Gah-

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much.  Please don't give up on yourself.  You still have friends who care for you... .you've recently bought a home... .and you're reaching out.  Perhaps this means you may now be ready to face the pain and healing that you may not have been ready to face when your relationship ended so abruptly 2.5 years ago.

That's okay... .we do things, we face things, we grieve when we're ready.  A long long time ago, my dad gave me words when I was in a desperate place.  He said, "you don't have to feel like this".  I have carried his words with me and I want you to have them.  You are most certainly not alone with the feelings you're having right now.  But Gah - you don't have to feel like this.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes