Im not sure about lots of things...but some things I do know.

[Bobthebuilder]

I'm not sure where to start. I'm not wanting to throw my spouse under the bus AT ALL... .are you waiting for the 'but'? There isn't a 'but'.  I know I have things left undone in our life.  I know I'm a stubborn, quiet, over analyzing mess sometimes.  I'm also seem to have a pretty good antennae for an action or reaction that will lead me or will not lead me to the desired end game I have in mind. I haven't been that person who (knowingly) lashes out at someone to get a leg up.  I hate face to face outright conflict.   I'm not sure that BPD is or isn't part of what is going on in my house.  I'm willing to talk and listen here and see if there are similarities though. I know that with mental things sometimes a documented treatment for a certain thing sometimes helps situations even if the people near you aren't diagnosed with a full on version of that certain thing. So I'm here. 

We have a son, high school junior,  wired a lot like my spouse, I've often said that they fight the same way.  Passionate, artistic, intelligent ... .just like my spouse. I've got a diagnosis of Narcolepsy which I think pulls a fog over lots of the time I'm awake ,  making me appear really checked out, only present in body. It's annoying to me that I'm "required" to have an opinion sometimes.  Lots of times I DO NOT have one. That's not really a good thing.

Then there is my spouse. Opinions abound.  I believe almost exclusively these are factually correct opinions. We are of a Christian/Republican  belief mindset.

 I don't know if BPD is here but I want to hang around a while and see what kinds of things are shared and see how that does/doesn't line up with what goes on under my roof.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Bobthebuilder,

Welcome and hello 

BPD traits alone can make for a challenging relationship.

I remember one day looking at the 9 criteria for a BPD diagnosis, thinking One of these criteria alone in a loved one makes for a rough go.

Much of what we work on here are the relationship skills that prevent things from getting worse with a person susceptible to intense emotions and interpersonal stress.

And most of the people who come here do not have official diagnoses for their spouses, even if the patterns and behaviors and intense emotions might make them a shoe-in for a diagnosis, if their spouse were ever to agree to therapy.

All that is to say that your story sounds similar to what others here are going through. And lots of support to learn how to better manage what is happening under your roof.

Feel free to share when you're ready, however much you feel ok about putting out there. This is an anonymous board and it can feel, and also freeing to get things out there where others understand what you're going through.

LnL

[Frankee]

Sounds like my SO.  Has very strong opinions, very smart, creative (wants to right a book about his life, has a very dark and turbulent past), passionate, emotional, cares about others, loves me deeply but also says he hates me more than anything... I fell in love with these attributes (minus the hate part... didn't come till later).  I keep reading that people with BPD have a black/white outlook on life with no grey areas... didn't really make sense, but as I observe him more, it does. 

I also hate face to face conflict.  I would do things to avoid it... lying being on top of the list.  Which he utterly hates is liars and he calls me that a lot... not to say it's not true.  I do.  I've been working on doing better.  I find I lie at times to avoid having to deal with the possibility that he could explode.  I never get the same reaction.  Even though he says he would rather me be truthful so he can get mad and get over it.  I try, but sometimes self preservation kicks in and I still tell lies.

I am no doctor, but I had a feeling he might have BPD (upon extensive personal research) I didn't think his behavior was normal, knew something was off.  I know about his past, abandoned by his mother at 2 to his alcoholic abusive father that drank himself to death, foster homes, juvenile facilities, jail, psychiatric hospitals, abuse by the staff at the facilities... but when I was reading in one of his folders when he was visiting with a psychiatrist, they even wrote in the possible diagnosis "borderline personality disorder".  My jaw dropped and I stared at the paper.  I had came to the same conclusion that a psychiatrist said.

He's doing better.  I see small changes.  He's told me that he knows he has an anger problem.  Normally I wouldn't believe it, but he has been doing things differently.  He asked me to just be patient and give him time.  I told him, that's all I'm asking him for to work on my things as well.  We have our issues and very very bad days... but I know that he cares enough about me to want me to change my bad little habits.  I don't want to be a liar, but I know it's not easy being 100% honest... no matter what anyone says.