To do or not to do: reporting BPD abuse to police, advice needed

[Jami]

Hi there,

i need to make a choice. It is a dreadful one, since both outcomes may have heavy consequences. I really need to get some feed back from you guys, so please don't hesitate to share whatever you feel about my situation.

My exBPD went into a devastating raging mode after our final breakup last month. To cut a long story short (if you feel like it you are welcome to read more in my earlier posts), he hacked my email accounts, destroyed my professional website, my pro FB account and sent me a message to announce that his goal was to destroy me completely. That he would send letters to all my clients and contacts to inform them "about who i really am".

Not content, he announced that he will do everything in his power to send my son back to his father, who lives in another country and whom he has never met. This is my most vulnerable spot. My son's dad was controlling, abusive, manipulative and extremely revengeful. He has harassed me ever since our separation, which occurred 9 years ago when our child was only 6 months old. He engaged in a fierceful legal battle to regain control over us, ignoring our baby's need for a safe, protective and peaceful environment. His abusive character was laid barren through the legal procedures and i've been entrusted with sole custody over our son. But our divorce procedure, that he has willingly transformed into a Kafkian nightmare, is still not resolved. On the paper we are still married.

Trying to protect my son and myself from years of relational and legal abuse has been the hardest endeavour i ever had to go through. It took enormous will, energy and courage to get back on my feet. The experience was so traumatic that i've been confronted with mild to severe PTSD symptoms for years, and i'm obviously still swallowing the consequences. I've been in therapy ever since and stayed clear of intimate relationships until hooking up with my exBPD a year ago

But back to the original topic: in his raging, my exBPD informed me that he would write letters to the lawyers (from my own email account) in order to "help" my son and his "poor dad" whom i must have "misinterpreted" just as i've misinterpreted him. He thus attacked my two most precious and vulnerable treasures: my child and my creativity (work).

I believe he didn't go too far with his harmful intentions. His family quickly intervened and managed to cool him down a bit, but i don't know what kind of power / access he still has over my accounts. I managed to recover my pro email address and secure it, but i don't know if he saved any copy of it. My website is still off. Regarding my son, even though he would realistically have very little power to reach his goal to "send him back to his father", he could cause a lot of damage if he ever acted upon his intentions and contacted the lawyers. You can imagine that my son's father would be thrilled to use such a thing to his advantage.

My therapist and other supportive people have suggested that i should press charges and get a restraining order. He obviously broke the law. Today i spoke to a trusted policemen, according to whom my ex committed several crimes (including domestic violence) by hacking my accounts and threatening me. After a period of NC - i blocked him everywhere i could and he seemed to never want to have anything to do with me - he started reaching out again a few days ago. Rage alternating with wishes to go back where we were, to be loved. No remorse.

Truth is, i don't feel safe and it's been a month. I am still under shock and am unable to function properly. I am scared, hurt, have a lot of difficulties to force myself to work (i'm independent and sole provider for our small family). My nights are filled with nightmares and i can't seem to stabilise myself. My hard-won partial victory over the PTSD symptoms from my previous relationship has reversed and come back in full glory.

My therapist actually and rightfully says that it is important to act in a proactive and protective manner toward his behaviour, which is unacceptable, and stand up for myself. That i ought to find the strength to protect myself and my child, and not think about protecting him. Also, obviously, i cannot begin the healing and recovery process from an unsafe and threatening place.

But i am afraid to report this to the police. It might trigger more rage. We live in the same small town and, chances are, we're likely going to bump into each other at some time. I feel that it is important to follow my therapist's advice as a fundamental part of my healing process, but fear the repercussions. Also, despite the harm he caused me, i still think that i am in a better place than he is (psychotic). I am still preoccupied about his needs over mine and my child's, can you believe it?

I would be so grateful about your insights... .feel really lost and confused right now... .

[Idsrvt2]

That's the worst feeling.lisnt it? When you are still putting their needs before your own, still worrying about them and how they will handle it if you protect yourself.

I've been there ... my x did not act out like yours did... but he had guns ... fifty of them . 

Just know if roles were reversed and he is a true BPD he would think nothing of getting the RO on you for far less than what he did to you.

If you haven't already, change your email and also cut him off at the pass... email all your contacts and say that you have noticed suspicious activity on your email account and if they receive anything out of the ordinary to notify you immediately .
I would email that from a secure email he does not have access to.  It sounds like he is good with computers, do you know if he had downloaded software onto your computer?

Do you have an abuse hotline you can contact for advise?   

You can get the RO and protect yourself ... .I wish I could give you advice , but this hits close to home for me and I didn't act and my x took out an RO on me first . Thankfully it didn't stick, but he had no care how it would impact me.

[aman]

You need to go to the police asap with all your evidence. Even if they choose to do nothing you can demonstrate that you are taking his threats seriously and are worried about your welfare.

You're not fighting fire with fire. You're using laws designed to protect you from people like your ex.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jami,

I speak from experience when I say protect yourself and your child.  You two are the most important people in your world.  Taking out an order and sharing the back story with the police gives you a stronger position if there are any further actions on his part and he can then face the appropriate consequences.  I'd also urge you to get in touch with a local abuse support agency who can help you to consider safeguarding issues, just to be on the safe side.  Have we given you the safety first link in the past?  I'll add it here just in case you haven't yet seen it. 

I agree that you can handle business affairs by changing email address and contacting all your clients.  This makes sense.  Perhaps it would be worthwhile hiring someone to secure your website and put measures in place to prevent any activity. 

He is trying to hit you where it hurts and manipulate you with FOG to put you into the position he wants you.  Perhaps to weaken your resolve and consider taking him back.  Perhaps to try to make you suffer as he does.  Either way this is seriously unhealthy and damaging for you so this behaviour must be curbed.  In answer to your thread title: TO DO.

Please take good care of yourself and your son.  Nobody else matters like the two of you do.  Regardless of how much empathy and compassion you have for this man, he comes down the list of priorities here.  Tell others so that they are aware and can be supportive and protective of you.

Love and light x

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm

[forlorn]

HI!  I am wondering if there is a way to report what's happened and get it into the legal record without pursuing immediate action.  That way, the legal system would have the background and be able to set the wheels in motion at the instant it becomes necessary.

I'm not suggesting that it isn't necessary now.  It seems like that would be a reasonable and logical conclusion.  It also seems reasonable and logical that filing charges would exacerbate the problem, given your assessment of your ex.  It is clearly your decision to make, and I hope you make it after careful and CALM consideration.  It's hard sometimes not to make the decision to refrain from pressing charges when you are afraid it will set something worse into motion.  But there is no guarantee that your restraint will not be interpreted as a opening for worse behavior anyway.

When I didn't tell anyone that my ex-husband squeezed my arms so tightly they bruised, he started pushing me.  When I didn't tell anyone that he pushed me, he spit in my face. When I didn't tell anyone that, he smacked my face.  When I didn't tell anyone about that, he kicked me in the ribs... .  Trying not to make things worse only left me vulnerable to new attacks. The public acknowledgement of wrongdoing (involving the police) might be a humiliation that spurs more anger - or it could make it clear that you are no longer dancing to his tune.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let your fear do your thinking for you.  You sound very intelligent and capable, perfectly capable of making the best decision for you and your child.  Which choice comes from deep inside - where fear and doubt don't control you?

[Jami]

Thank you all so much for your replies, they mean a lot   I read each one of them several times. I'm still puzzled. This situation put me back into a state of paralysis i had never known since the worst phases with my child's father, and never again since then. I'm blocked, shocked, unable to work, unable to go to sleep, unable to wake up, confused, dragging myself through the days and feeling so utterly fragile and panicky. I feel like a terrified little animal in constant fight or flight mode, unable to think and function because of the sense of imminent danger. My state worries me a lot, i'm not used to malfunctioning. I had to be strong and function no matter what since i've become a single mom, to put everything on my shoulders and ensure that my kid and i are safe, fed, happy, healthy and enjoying life. This is a huge setback.

I am aware that the strong fear i sense is probably more connected with my past experiences / traumas than with any concrete threat to our physical safety. BUT this does not mean that my ex's actions were not over the top and against the law, that hey caused a huge damage to me and / or that i should not stand up to signal that i am not willing to tolerate them.

HI!  I am wondering if there is a way to report what's happened and get it into the legal record without pursuing immediate action.  That way, the legal system would have the background and be able to set the wheels in motion at the instant it becomes necessary.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let your fear do your thinking for you.  You sound very intelligent and capable, perfectly capable of making the best decision for you and your child.  Which choice comes from deep inside - where fear and doubt don't control you?

The reporting VS filing a complaint is probably the option i feel the most right now. I don't want to act out of fear, but i also wish to put in place a layer of protection in case he'll be triggered again into revenge mode. A safety plan of sorts. And there's a desire to get out of my "victim modus" and be proactive and protective of myself, of my child and of our very basic human rights.

He is trying to hit you where it hurts and manipulate you with FOG to put you into the position he wants you.

Absolutely the case. Unable to truly grasp the term FOG, i researched and found this:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

It totally reflects my current situation. May be interesting to other members as well.

You're not fighting fire with fire. You're using laws designed to protect you from people like your ex.

This rings so true.

If you haven't already, change your email and also cut him off at the pass... email all your contacts and say that you have noticed suspicious activity on your email account and if they receive anything out of the ordinary to notify you immediately .
I would email that from a secure email he does not have access to.  It sounds like he is good with computers, do you know if he had downloaded software onto your computer?

Do you have an abuse hotline you can contact for advise?

Thank you for the sound and very practical advice. In my fog, or FOG, i wouldn't have thought of emailing my contacts. Nor if he might have downloaded any malware into my computer. I've spoken to a local abuse hotline right after the raging, and it helped to be heard. I might actually need to call them again.

I'll try to go to the police tomorrow, expose everything and see through the options and potential consequences.

Thank you for being there for me, your support is so precious... .

[lovenature]

Hi Jami

Sorry to hear about all the pain your ex. is causing you.

I had my car damaged, mail stolen, continuous knocking on my doors late at night by my ex. who lives across the street. There were many emails containing personal info. and completely unrealistic stories, other people were copied sometimes. I'm sure she has told people how awful a person I am, just like she told me about her ex.'s
I had the police warn her twice and all that accomplished was them telling me to stay away from her, and her continuing to try and maintain an attachment. The only way she left me alone was when I maintained 100% NC on my end, not responding to anything she said or did.
There was a time when I worried about my dogs safety. Most PWBPD will stop harassing once they see an attachment is no longer in place, they might have an "extinction burst" but then stop.

Only you can look at your specific situation and try to do what is best for you and family. I wish you well.

[Jami]

Hi lovenature,

thank you for your thoughts. Two months have passed since the ugly happenings. I've gone NC and, apart from a few attempts to reach me by mail, nothing more happened. I hope it stays that way.

In the end i didn't report him to the police. First because i was too shocked and couldn't get myself to do anything that involved confronting people. Then, over time, because i felt that it would probably be of no use except rekindle the fire.

I'm sorry to hear what you had to go through! Sounds quite dramatic, i can only imagine how you must have felt being intruded and attacked on so many levels. NC is a drastic and fundamentally inhumane decision, but in these cases it really seems to be the only viable solution.

I hope you're at peace now and wish you well too.