Looking for a New Approach to the Problems

[LionHeart2929]

Hello. I am very new to both chat rooms & discussing these issues publicly, so any insight is apprealciated. Sorry in advance for typos im on mobile trying not to be seen in this type of chat.

Ill start by explaining my story a bit. I am 29 and before I met my partner, I had a previous wife and 2 children. Things with my ex wife are decent, and I have those 2 children 50% of the time ( week on week off).

Anyway I have been with my current girlfriend for 4 years now and we have a son who will turn 3 next month. She is the most kind soul you could imagine( would give her last food,money, or jacket to help someone in need. Happy, smiles, positive almost 80% of the time.

With that said I found the first 2 years of the relationship extremely confusing and difficult because I could not controll the outburst and fights that would arise even if I didnt really partake.  After leaving twice for a couple months at a time (dealing with a counsellor, she went to classes and therapy as well) we have now been living together again for a year.  

This year I changed my approach to everything. I no longer fight back (used to just scream back when screamed at ). I remain calm and try not to seem offended. The problem is even though i remain positive and say thing like I love you or it will be ok or im not mad. The whole thing plays out as if im still screaming back still opposing her. Not sure how to change that.

Today I woke up with the 4 children (she has a son as well) the ages of all 4 are 2,5,5, and 6 (sorry to fall off track.) I fed and dressed all kids, as well as finished the days house work. After sending the first 2 off to the school bus ( her son has a closer school) all that remained to be done was her son to school.

Now I set my alarm for 6am and than hers is set for 7 to walk her son to school. She comes storming down the stairs at 7:15 insisting I should have got her at 7. I responded with its ok everything is done for the day and hes all ready to go. This only made her more angry. Her son said good morning and her responce was yea right i can see what kind of day this os going to be.

All of our issues play out like this. Me saying im not mad dont worrry I love you. Her saying I did something to piss her off and now shes angry and she should be alloud to be angry. If I walk away she follows if I dont I wont leave her alone. It can always end of I accept full blame but most of the time shes the only one upset.

The times I have to tell her she needs to watch how shes handling the kids (if she gets to nasty or vicious) cause many fights. Shell say she didnt, that she did nothing wrong or that I do the same thing. No matter what I try to bring up she says I do it too. Ill probably edit and re edit this post but this was my first time and I really need to vent.

I watch the kids, clean and manage our lives mostly alone and spend my free time trying to keep her happy. I havent worked in 2 years (a first) even though I graduated from college with Diploma 3 years ago. I love her so much and do not want to lose thebgood parts. But I dont wanna lose myself either. I havent worked went out with friends im distany from family and its only because im busy holding things together.

Leaving isnt an opition because a) my other children need me to have a home and financially care for them which would not be possible any time soon leaving. I cant lose them over a relationship thats not even their mom.

B) im fearful of losing the child we share and what will happen with our relationship if I leave.

C) before I patched things up with my ex wife for the children. She cheated on with me with my friend and tryed to kick me out by saying I beat her. (It was all proven obious lies and I won with no stains but im surr you can see how that makes one paranoid. This is only my second serious relationship.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi LionHeart2929,

The problem is even though i remain positive and say thing like I love you or it will be ok or im not mad. The whole thing plays out as if im still screaming back still opposing her. Not sure how to change that.

I like how you decided to change your approach, very smart of you. A pwBPD are hypersensitive, so something that you may not find invalidating is something that is magnified for a pwBPD and is invalidating, so saying that things will be OK could telegraph to her that you're not hearing her, remember that feelings are fact to a pwBPD whereas it's the reverse for non's feelings are followed by facts, you want to validate how she feels first, then you can package your truth behind that.
 
 Can you give us an example?
 
 

She comes storming down the stairs at 7:15 insisting I should have got her at 7. I responded with its ok everything is done for the day and hes all ready to go. This only made her more angry. Her son said good morning and her responce was yea right i can see what kind of day this os going to be.

I talked about about hypersensitivity, pwBPD are also hyper critical and black and white thinkers, the grey area of your statement is that she got up late but you have already taken care of everything so there's nothing to worry about, she might be thinking that she's a bad mom because she couldn't get up on time ( black and white thinking ) You want to validate what is valid and validate the invalid, personally I don't see anything to validate here, she's trying to bait and I think the best approach in this case is to not JADE and try to depersonalize but you can still have your feelings about it, share with people that get it, share it with us.
 

But I dont wanna lose myself either.

Good of you to recognize this.
 

B) im fearful of losing the child we share and what will happen with our relationship if I leave

I completely understand, you have 50/50 with your ex, you can get 50/50 with your current girlfriend, albeit a pwBPD is very challenging, I'd direct your question to the legal board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0
 
Validation Skills
 
Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

[JoeBPD81]

hi there,

I'd like to join in to welcome you. We've all been there. We stick around because our loved one, besides dificult, is a lovable person with a lot of good qualities.

How is BPD related to all this? She certainly sounds lika a person with this disorder, but has she been diagnosed? Does she speak of being different, or having a pain inside that she can't control?

We all for years try our best and pour love and dedication, and work to make things right, and struggle to find a way to make it work. It doesn't make sense. Until it does. Learning about BPD puts things into place, and gives you a new perspective. You start to see why some things don't work with her, and when you change them, things get better.

Not getting angry and not fighting back, is a good step, but it's not the solution. Because she is not really reacting to what she says, she's reacting to secondary or terciary emotions. As Mutt said, she probably felt ahamed and unfit as a mother for not getting up, that made her angry with herself, that made her nervous because she felt she had lost control over her life... .And she needed to fight that emotion, she needed desperately to stop feeling so bad. And you were there, so she "attacked" you. She gave an exit to her rage. But what she expressed was not at all what she felt. Once she blamed you, felt that believing it was your fault was an easier feeling to cope with than all the previous emotions, so she started believing that instead, and she stuck with that version of reality.

As she knows it's not your fault, the relief is very short, and she in turn will feel ashamed she blamed you. It doesn't solve her problem, so it adds to her snowball of emotions.

Imagine years and years of that. Feeling very strong, overwhelming emotions and fighting them in a way that makes them worse. How that can make you feel life is a dangerous place to live in.

I gues that what I mean is that you didn't create that, and you are not provoking it either. She will need to work on that, and get help. And you are just a part of it. You can make things better, for both of you. This well known frustration you talk about gets much better once you learn about the lessons here. And a new hope emerges.

Best of luck!