BPD Spouse won't agree to anything

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am going through a divorce with my BPD spouse.  We went to court and the judge awarded 50/50 custody which was a huge relief.  We have reached a point where anytime I propose something related to the divorce, nearly always she will not agree.  If she does agree it is only verbally.  When it comes time to sign the papers, she refuses to sign.  Anything in writing including emails she will not agree to.  I don't feel further mediation is going to be fruitful because she hasn't shown any past history of compromise, so it seems like a waste of time and money.  She keeps making decisions based entirely on how she feels at the moment and the "narrative" she has constructed in her head regardless of how accurate that narrative is. 

Even when she needs help such as a little extra money to pay for my child's tuition, I offer to pay from an account that has funds to cover the expense and she refuses to agree to it or to tell me why.  I realize in each case there is some emotional reason why she won't agree to things, but often it is difficult to get to the bottom of it other than inferring she's afraid of something.  Attempting to validate her emotions and re-assure her appears to be a fruitless exercise and she just becomes upset and subsequently angry, often hanging up the phone regardless of how calm and respectful I am.  We have tried talking, mediation, and everything else I can think of.  Her lack of agreement on basic matters has forced us to litigate and caused all manner of emotional and financial stress.

I have read that often making each decision a transaction where there are clear consequences and rewards to her agreement may be helpful. I have thought of a system of financial or other rewards when she agrees to things, but that seems very Pavlovian.  Does anyone have any advice on how to get her to agree in as painless a fashion as possible?  Does reverse psychology have any potential?
Could really use the forum's advice here!
Thanks!

[Dorian211]

I am going through a divorce with my BPD spouse.  We went to court and the judge awarded 50/50 custody which was a huge relief.  We have reached a point where anytime I propose something related to the divorce, nearly always she will not agree.  If she does agree it is only verbally.  When it comes time to sign the papers, she refuses to sign.  Anything in writing including emails she will not agree to.  I don't feel further mediation is going to be fruitful because she hasn't shown any past history of compromise, so it seems like a waste of time and money.  She keeps making decisions based entirely on how she feels at the moment and the "narrative" she has constructed in her head regardless of how accurate that narrative is. 

Even when she needs help such as a little extra money to pay for my child's tuition, I offer to pay from an account that has funds to cover the expense and she refuses to agree to it or to tell me why.  I realize in each case there is some emotional reason why she won't agree to things, but often it is difficult to get to the bottom of it other than inferring she's afraid of something.  Attempting to validate her emotions and re-assure her appears to be a fruitless exercise and she just becomes upset and subsequently angry, often hanging up the phone regardless of how calm and respectful I am.  We have tried talking, mediation, and everything else I can think of.  Her lack of agreement on basic matters has forced us to litigate and caused all manner of emotional and financial stress.

I have read that often making each decision a transaction where there are clear consequences and rewards to her agreement may be helpful. I have thought of a system of financial or other rewards when she agrees to things, but that seems very Pavlovian.  Does anyone have any advice on how to get her to agree in as painless a fashion as possible?  Does reverse psychology have any potential?
Could really use the forum's advice here!
Thanks!

[formflier]

So... .make a list of all the tactics that have NOT worked... .stop them.

Make a list of what has worked... .double down.

If I understand correctly... .litigation worked.  I'm assuming there was not a settlement, but a decision in court.  Correct?

If so, remember that.  Make sure and build in "consequences" and "guidelines" into future litigation.

Perhaps... .all agreements via email.  If there is no response to email withing x amount of time... .some sort of automatic thing that benefits things you care about.

Thoughts?

FF

[Dorian211]

So... .make a list of all the tactics that have NOT worked... .stop them.

Make a list of what has worked... .double down.

If I understand correctly... .litigation worked.  I'm assuming there was not a settlement, but a decision in court.  Correct?

If so, remember that.  Make sure and build in "consequences" and "guidelines" into future litigation.

Perhaps... .all agreements via email.  If there is no response to email withing x amount of time... .some sort of automatic thing that benefits things you care about.

Thanks FF.  Yes, I run into the no-response thing frequently as well.  She has a pretty active fight or flight response regardless of how easy the problem is to resolve.  I'll try putting in consequences to non-responses.  I suspect that will engender resentment and anger but worth a shot. 
Here's what's worked in some cases:

• Not telling her what I want and asking her what she wants.
• Listening
• Validating her feelings
• Encouragement
• Litigation, although expensive.