How are You or Have You Handled Periods of NC?

[Meili]

One of the most asked things around here is how to handle the initial NC period after the break-up.

During this period, there are a lot of emotions. We tend to ruminate and focus on our partners and what they may or may not be doing. We feel lost and confused.

How are you handling, or have handled this period? What are you doing or have you done?

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[confused4now]

 My anxiety has been off the hook since going NC.  I am currently in the middle of a divorce and notice I become triggered when I am feeling out of control. All of our communication goes through my brother in law. I wish it could be my attorney, but I can't afford to pay him to sort every detail. Since I do not have contact, I am not distracted with all the manipulation and confusion I felt when ever I tried to make a decision. When I give him access to my head, I do not  process my thought and feelings with out feeling confused or angry. I still have a lot of doubt, but I am trying to get the concept of taking care of my needs.
 It keeps me from contacting him when I miss him. I skip the horrible feeling I have if he rejects me, or the confusion if he tells me what I want to hear. We broke up for these reasons, contacting him won't change this.

[BPDBuddy]

Meili-

It seems this is so common in every situation we read about on the forum. I was 30 days NC post breakup dBPDgf. They are usually executing a ST anyway.

The problem is our mind chatter. There is no question she was thinking about me a lot, however they are playing poker much better than the nons, since after all, they have a PERSONALITY DISORDER. I have gone back and forth on if it's better to let her initiate contact, however any attempts to reach out to them will likely be worthless. So NC is critical. The biggest question for the nons to ask is where will they be when their ex partner reaches out, because they will. If nothing else, they will for their own validation. I broke NC after 10 days yesterday, I think it was a major mistake on my part. NC is our only control, especially if we are still emotionally invested.

Ironically, I still want to reconcile with her(she was just diagnosed) after becoming addicted to klonopin, recreationally. I expect she likely will too since we had 0 issues in our 4 years, unfortunately this is mental illness and I can longer predict her behavior. None of us can control these individuals, but they will keep burning bridges with 'the ones that love them the most' if they cannot shift and get help. I have sympathy for those undiagnosed, I think the diagnosis should validate the nons quite a bit in terms of gaslighting, because they will often spin the narrative.

Great topic.

[Mutt]

  confused4now mentioned anxiety and I can also relate with how difficult a divorce is with your own feelings and you have your pwBPD act out, it's tough. I've heard another member describe it as literally getting off drugs and alcohol, for me that's accurate.

To answer the question with what things did I do to manage this period, I tried to self protect as much as possible imagine putting storm shutters to protect your house, I wanted to make to make sure it was comlpetely boarded up to protect myself from my ex.

That meant that I had to change my habits, everyone member is different, what works for one member may not work for another. I deactivated all of my social media accounts so that I didn't have the urge to peek. 90% of my emails I read on my phone and I found that seeing an email from my ex was extremely triggering for me, I created a message rule to move her emails to a different folder. I'd set aside an hour out of the week, generally Thursdays and I'd try to be in a relaxed state and go through the emails and sift out the important ones and respond to those.

I did that because it was a constant interruption if I'd stop and reply back to her emails and it would just keep me triggered, I wanted bounce as quick as possible in a reasonable time frame. That's a couple of things that come to mind for little strategies to help me.

[Meili]

  BPDBuddy,

I see that you're new around here and I haven't had the chance to welcome you to the Boards.



If you start to read the the threads around here, you'll notice that there is no they in this. BPD is a spectrum disorder. Each pwBPD is an individual who falls somewhere on the spectrum. As a result, while many of our stories are similar, each is unique. No two pwBPD are exactly alike.

Mutt, it sounds like you were the one initiating NC.

What about those who have not initiated and are not the ones maintaining NC? Because, if you are trying to save the relationship and your SO is wanting contact, but you refuse contact that is not going to help the situation.

[Mutt]

At first I tried to contact her but I was a source of shame for her so she wouldn't respond, although I was split black so she had anger directed at me, she contacted me on her terms.

That said I took control of the situation by taking control of myself. You're absolutely right, my story in the context of trying to save a r/s is not the best example, my point is take control of what you can, your thoughts and feelings.

Carry on  

[BPDBuddy]

Mutt -

We're there any attempts to reconcile, it seems they waiver a bit. When the stakes are higher, in terms marriage and kids, you would think they would at least consider it, BPD or not?

[Mutt]

A year and half after we separated and a few months after he moved in with her she tried to talk to me about being friends she was always tried to keep me at arms length. The world is a grey area with black and white slits, cheating is a deal breaker for me. I have a girlfriend now and I made that clear to her from the get go.

[Schnurrbart]

Thought I'd contribute some of my personal situation to this topic. Nice topic.

My relationship with exBPDgf is over for about a month now I think. Contact varied from me trying to change the tide, trying to get her back and low contact to me eventually stopping initiating contact after telling her I'd no longer try to push for anything and accepted her decision while disagreeing with it nonetheless. After about a week of no contact she contacted me, asking why I'd blocked her on Facebook (which I did the moment she blocked me on another platform 2 weeks earlier because I was upset). I'm pretty sure she already knew this long before asking me. Kept it short and gave her reasons. Turned into a 'how are you' kind of thing for a bit. I didn't fuel the conversation so it died out. Two days later she asked me if I had a new gf 'because she dreamed that'. I said 'of course not, I don't want anyone else', sort of giving her validation and letting it be known that I am 'an option' in hindsight. Carried on the conversation later that day and it escalated into a 'this is why we broke up' kind of thing where she eventually blocked me again. I wanted to make ammends which I did the next day.

After that she contacted me once randomly asking for headphone recommendations. I kept it short and ended it with a little anecdote to which she only replied hours later with sort of an acknowledging ''yeah, I read what you said'' statement, which I didn't reply to.

It's been seven days since and I have not initiated contact. I'm sort of waiting for the next time she'll reach out and hoping there might be room for a recycle eventually, if she doesn't impulsively get another boyfriend, in which case I would not want to reconcile. I've had good and bad days throughout all this myself. Trying to find distraction hasn't proved very useful in getting rid of the thoughts of her that seem to be constant. I read on this website a lot of people who seem to still be suffering from constant thoughts years after a break-up and I hope this isn't going to happen to me. Thoughts include memories of the good times, bad times, the desire of wanting to continue being with her and knowing she's very unlikely to want this. On top of that there's the acknowledgement of what a continuation of the relationship would mean for me on the long run, but this doesn't really outweigh all the other thoughts and emotions for me.

[Meili]

What I did was along the same lines as Mutt. I focused on myself and the things that I had the power to change.

There were many benefits to this approach. To name a few:

• I became healthier mentally, emotionally, and physically;
• All of my relationships improved;
• I learned to better communicate with my x and everyone else;
• I wasn't ruminating as much;
• I felt proactive in trying to save the relationship; and
• Rather than just sitting there, waiting for something to happen in my life, I was in control of it again.
  

[BPDBuddy]

Schnurrbart-

I can relate. I find reconciliation is all I think about. I'm in complete dark as to why, and how we move forward. She told me a while back that "she's never been single, etc" and that's large in part because she can't be alone. Her mania as of late, I'm guessing it would be very difficult for her to find a replacement based on what I have seen and heard. I need to maintain NC, because she is looking for validation from me. I expect there to be another recycle within the next several weeks. I do find the days are becoming more manageable, but I hope I am able to communicate better as I feel strongly she will reach out within the next week or so.

[Meili]

I need to maintain NC, because she is looking for validation from me.

If you want to reconcile, why are you forcing NC? That sounds counter-productive.

[Schnurrbart]

Schnurrbart-

I can relate. I find reconciliation is all I think about. I'm in complete dark as to why, and how we move forward. She told me a while back that "she's never been single, etc" and that's large in part because she can't be alone. Her mania as of late, I'm guessing it would be very difficult for her to find a replacement based on what I have seen and heard. I need to maintain NC, because she is looking for validation from me. I expect there to be another recycle within the next several weeks. I do find the days are becoming more manageable, but I hope I am able to communicate better as I feel strongly she will reach out within the next week or so.

Thank you for your reply. My ex, like many people with BPD, also has had a lot of partners. She told me she has no interest in having another boyfriend, but I wouldn't be surprised if she already has one, given the speed at which she jumped into a relationship with me right after breaking up with her previous partner, whom she didn't even consider a real previous partner anymore (long distance, just like me). And of course, all the previous partners were abusive. Surprisingly, I don't believe she's called me manipulative or abusive yet, although I'm sure I've been split black to an extent. Don't really want to know, to be honest.

I can relate in that I would think finding a replacement would be nearly impossible based on the standards she has mentioned she suddenly wants in a partner, but I think she'll soon drop those completely again and just settle with the first guy that confesses his love for her for the time being. Like you said, they can't be alone.

I hope your ex will reach out to you soon if that is what you want.

If you want to reconcile, why are you forcing NC? That sounds counter-productive.

As far as NC goes, I'm not sure if BPDBuddy and I are doing full NC. By NC I mean that I'm not going to start conversation or particularly fuel it but won't ignore her when she reaches out, either. I'm not sure if this is the right way to go about, but I figured it can't always be me trying to reach out. If she doesn't take any steps towards me it doesn't seem worthwhile even asking her how she is.

What do you think?

[BPDBuddy]

Agreed, we have to effectively refrain from initiating contact during their ST, which she has admitted to me is a form of punishing me when she is mad at me. I'll keep you posted and you do the same.

All my best!

[Meili]

As far as NC goes, I'm not sure if BPDBuddy and I are doing full NC. By NC I mean that I'm not going to start conversation or particularly fuel it but won't ignore her when she reaches out, either. I'm not sure if this is the right way to go about, but I figured it can't always be me trying to reach out. If she doesn't take any steps towards me it doesn't seem worthwhile even asking her how she is.

What do you think?

I think that it is all really situation specific.

In general, LC (Limited Contact), controlled contact, and NC (no contact) are for the non's protection. They should never be used to punish, control, or in any other manner manipulate the situation or the person we want to reconcile with.

If you are controlling contact, or having limited contact, you have to ask yourself why you are doing it?

In my situation, my x and I had around 70,000 emails during an 18-month period. Almost all of these emails were during work hours. This does not include text messages, phone calls, etc. - just emails. I had to control how and when I chose to respond to her as a result. I wasn't getting my work done.

When she would rage, I had to limit contact in order to protect myself.

When things were at their worst, I had to go NC to protect myself.

But, all of these actions needed not be done without communicating to her what was happening, and why I was doing it. To be clear, the why I was doing it had nothing to do with her. I needed to protect myself. There were a lot of, Honey, I really would like to talk to you... .I'm really interested in what you have to say... .I am getting upset and need to take a break... .types of statements. Each with a defined time period. None with you statements or blaming it on her. pwBPD react to a fear of abandonment. Reassurance goes a long way.

We want to avoid Silent Treatment because that is a form of abuse. Leaving the person that we care about wondering why we are not responding, ignoring them, or being mean will not bring any of us any closer to the goal of repairing the relationship.

Of course, this is all different from the periods of NC that this thread is about. The thread is about when our partners demand NC or engage in ST. How do we handle ourselves, or what do we do during those periods?

[Schnurrbart]

Meili,

There's a lot of truth in what you're saying. I agree with pretty much everything. Upon reflection, I guess I am in a way trying to control/manipulate things. I'm not trying to manipulate her and I'm not deliberately not responding or something. I'm trying to influence the situation to better benefit the chances of reconciliation.

I believe that by taking some distance and not initiating contact she might start to rethink things despite the 'out of sight = out of mind' thing that often applies.

I'm not really giving a silent treatment. If she were to talk to me I would respond.

[Meili]

Trying to manipulate the situation into reconciliation may not be the best of plans. For starters, it isn't natural. pwBPD are very in tune with emotions and tend to do a fairly good job of reading the emotions of others. It's a protective "skill" that they develop.

Secondly, if you were to reconcile would you maintain the behavior? If you're making a change in yourself to better yourself, that's a different story. If you're just doing it in hopes of "showing her what she's missing," it's not a great plan.

Also, as I said, it greatly depends on your SO and how you approach the situation. If you're letting her know what is going on and why, that's one thing. If you're appearing disinterested in her and her life, that's quiet another. The latter won't score you any points with her or make her understand that you do care about her.