disorderedsociety
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 303
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« on: September 28, 2017, 10:11:08 AM » |
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Hello,
So I used to post here a lot after a breakup with a young woman diagnosed with BPD. After that relationship I realized how little time I had spent alone, as the first 20 years of my life were spent around my mother who was bipolar. I also realized that I had a lot of issues with not wanting to own my sense of self, and to give my power way to others, among other issues such as drinking alone after work. I was with crazy for 3 years. I spent about 1.5 years alone before getting into my current relationship, with someone who used to have a lot of personal problems, codependent mother, alcoholic father, etc. but had been to a lot of therapy and classes. I've been with this girl for about 1.5 years now. She's sweet, and aside from some initial bumps and some borderline red flags, such as having been in an open relationship with her ex when they were together, it's gone pretty smoothly. On the topic of the open relationship, she was still with him when we met but I trust what she told me was true, as I met him later on. He is going to school far away, and is in a long-distance relationship (I suppose he could be avoidant) and they occasionally update each other on their lives as friends, which I think is healthy. We don't fight, and any disagreements we have are quickly discussed and resolved.
I haven't been experiencing any problems per-se with this relationship, at least not externally, but for the past 6 months or so I have been spending a good portion of my day vacillating between whether I love her or not, if she's right for me, if I jumped in too quickly, etc. Now, after the breakup with crazy, I spent a good portion of my day wondering if I made the right decision, wondering if the "replacement" guy was better, etc., so I am prone to this type of obsessive thinking; I just jump to then thinking that because I have been thinking about this so much, that there must be something wrong. Hence this post. I have another thing where I want to say "I don't love you" to her, but my actions toward her don't align with that and I think it might be a ghost of the past when crazy told me she didn't love me anymore, but who knows, it could be that I'm just afraid of being alone, and don't really care for her? I hope that's not the case. It could also be from a friend of mine who really stressed that I was making the wrong choice (said friend actually had a romantic interest in me,) so I suppose my mind is jumping to the conclusion that I don't really love her, and that I'm just with her out of fear, but all of this seems like black and white thinking; again, a ghost from the past. I do believe relationships hold some of our biggest learning opportunities, and I wouldn't want to cut off something that has the potential for that, or the potential to help me grow as a person, since we get along so well.
Now, some evidence to support I might have jumped in too quickly, was first, the fact that I found out my mom was dying shortly after I first started seeing this girl. It encouraged/gave me an excuse I guess, to latch onto her. She was very supportive throughout the process, if not a bit selfish imo with wanting to see me when I should've been with my mom in the hospital, but then again my mother was still being nasty here and there while I would visit her, and we weren't close anymore; I didn't feel much when I found out she was dying, in fact I was a bit relieved, so I focused more on this relationship.
When my mom passed, she left her small house behind and my girlfriend and I moved in together, about 4 months in to our relationship, partially because of cost savings and partially because she was in a really crappy living situation sharing rent with some druggies (red flag I guess?) So that all happened in a whirlwind, and I realize it wasn't necessarily a fully thought out choice.
Now I've always felt more lax about drinking and what not around others when I'm in a relationship, doesn't matter who it is really, it's been that way especially since crazy. My drinking got much worse about 6 months in to living together, and I eventually got really irate with her, told her I was going to date aforementioned friend, kicked the dog cage, kicked her out, and she was going to leave, so I stopped drinking and we talked it out. This creates a conflict, because while I recognize my drinking was unhealthy, she was the catalyst for me stopping... .But, I'm not sure that's bad. There were other issues on my part, such as extreme jealousy/suspiciousness (the ex got with a friend of mine and 4 other guys right after breakup, was flirting under my nose,) but those have faded and I tend to trust her a lot more because her words and actions have, so far, consistently lined up which is amazing to me.
Another concern is that I find myself being negative at work, in my mindset, and I am trying to set boundaries with people but it seems like they treat me as if I'm doing something wrong. I feel like they try to take advantage of my strong work ethic by having me do too much, but then I feel bad when they treat me as if I'm being unreasonable. This leads me to fear that my relationship is making me unhappy and it's spreading to others, since this attitude of mine has spread toward being somewhat contemptuous toward the general population, as I see so many of them as ignorant. I do have two close friends who are like-minded, and I enjoy their company a lot. I tend to be not in a very talkative mood at work, with customers or co-workers. I work in customer service which is depressing enough, and I had these same problems when I was single, so again it kind of boils down to whether it's my mindset or external factors like living in a crappy town, or working a job I hate. I don't want to assign blame to her without knowing for sure.
Overall, I think these thoughts could be part of the ego/monkey-mind, or a form of self-sabotage. It could also be a way of trying to avoid the outcome that happened with crazy, or just a signal that my girl and I need to spend more time apart, doing our own thing, which she's cool with, as she has family around that she can stay with for a night or two at a time, and today I told her it would be nice if she spent a night with her mom, grandma or uncle once a week so I can be by myself a bit. I would also hope that these thoughts causing me so much anguish and concern are a sign I really love and care for my girlfriend, but I know that's kind of a generalization. The thoughts are centered around this, yet they used to be centered around other things that didn't turn out to be real, or turned out to be far less real than I imagined. The thought patterns all have the same effect: physical anxiety, a pressured feeling in my body. I don't think that any sort of intuitive guidance or "higher self" info would feel like that.
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