BPd ex girlfriend keeps needing me to do things for her

[Beach Cat]

My BPd girlfriend broke up with me in a text 2 weeks ago then blocked me. I have her cat which she told through a friend she just wants me to take care of right now. We had been arguing because she is in treatment for substance abuse and refused to take any medication, thinking again she does not actually have BPd. I have been through the ringer Psych holds, super envaision of my privacy (going through my text messages calling my ex girlfriend to see if I'm a narcissist or sociopath) I have no diagnosis of such just anxiety and depression and have been in therapy for years. She broke up with me in a very short text 9 words then blocked me. She now has communicated through a friend that she wants me to drive 6 hours one way to pick up a load of her things and drop it somewhere close to her. I loved her very much and went through hell and I just don't know if I should do this for her. Why would I. Why won't she tell me what to do with her pet of 4 years. I have known her for 2 years but did not know the extent of her mental illness until we started dating around 7 months ago. She also won't give me my valuables back. What is she trying to accomplish?

[sadboi]

Hello and welcome,

This sounds like a really hard situation for you and I'm very sorry you are going through it.

My therapist told me that BPD relationships often manifest as a big game of push and pull, a craving for connection but a fear of being abandoned.
This is just how I am interpreting what you explained- to me it sounds like your ex pushed you away, and is now trying to do what she can to still keep some type of connection to you.

Once your relationship was in a spot where she felt you wouldn't leave, it is likely that she ended things herself so she would never have to worry about you abandoning her. However, now that you are out of her life, that fear of abandonment is probably acting up.

At this point, you have to start taking care of yourself. Does driving 6 hours to drop off her things sound like it'd be good to you? I know you care about her and you love her, but you have to prioritize your own well-being. I'm sure you took care of her a lot, but it is time to focus on you.

Sending you so much support.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Beach Cat, Just because your BPD Ex says "Jump!" doesn't mean that you should respond "How high?"  As sadboi notes, it's time to start taking care of yourself, which means putting yourself first.  I'm sorry that you are in pain, but I doubt that driving six hours will make you feel better about your b/u.  Suggest you shift the focus from her to you.

LuckyJim

[Beach Cat]

I took both of your advice and let her friend know that I can't do this for her. I also spoke with my therapist who said very similarly that I need to give myself a break that doing this for her will not show her that I still love her just that she still has control. It's new behavior for me to say no and is very hard. I feel like I am letting her down, but she won't even talk to me. My therapist said that doing this would really only be for me though, in hopes of reconciliation. I feel bad also because she has ostracized her mother and father to the point that they just don't know what to do anymore. It's hard to grasp how in love with me one week then done the next. Thank you for your advice and compassion it is much appreciated.

[sadboi]

I am glad you made the decision that was best for you, even if it wasn't the easiest one.

It's hard to grasp how in love with me one week then done the next.

Also, yes this was probably the hardest thing for me, too. It's almost like a switch has been flipped- one day you were everything they could ever want, and then suddenly you're seen as the cause of every problem.

My therapist told me to remember that the love was real, and that they way I am seen as entirely bad is a coping mechanism done by my ex.

I hope you are not in too much pain. You should feel proud for taking the steps to focus on yourself.

[Lucky Jim]

It's new behavior for me to say no and is very hard. I feel like I am letting her down,

Hello again, BC, Nicely done.  Changing old patterns is challenging so go easy on yourself.  Next time, saying No will be easier.  You're not letting her down.  She is an adult and responsible for her own well being, which can be a difficult concept to grasp at first.  Give yourself credit for standing up for yourself.  I suspect that you'll hear from her, accompanied by some measure of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) which is what a pwBPD does in order to manipulate your emotions.  :)on't fall for it!  Forewarned is forearmed.

LJ

[Beach Cat]

I really do appreciate all of your support. I don't know how she took the news that I wasn't going to do this for her. I still do have her cat though that I have absolutely come to love. I'm now afraid that although she indicated through friends she didn't want her anymore she is going to try to take her at some point. I wish this wasn't so complicated. I need closure that I don't think I will get.

[sadboi]

I need closure that I don't think I will get.

Unfortunately, you probably won't get it. My therapist told me the lack of closure is part of what makes this so hard. None of it really makes sense, but we want it to. We are sad and heartbroken and we can't fully grasp why. We've been through chaos and we just want to understand it.

For weeks after my ex left me, I had nightmares EVERY night about her, and my therapist said that that was my body's subconscious way of trying to make sense of everything even when I was asleep.

Accepting that the closure will never come helps- accepting that a lot of the actions of your ex are irrational helps. Understanding that the things that don't make sense are not because of YOU or even about you or the relationship, but rather about the immense pain, emotional instability, and coping habits of your ex due to her BPD.

I hope things are getting easier on you as the days go on.   

[Beach Cat]

I know it has been a while since I have reached out and I'm doing decently. My Ex's mom keeps contacting me because her daughter is asking her for money. I feel bad so I talk to her but I think I need to cut her off too. She asks me questions about her daughters condition and what I think and while I'd love to vent I just can't. Any advice I would appreciate

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Beach Cat,

I'd suggest keeping it strictly to business.  Only talk about anything essential.  Is her mother prepared to arrange for her things to be collected, for example?  Can she also organise the return of any of your possessions that are essential to you?  It may be that you have to cut your losses and let some things go if you can live without them.  I had to do this and it was freeing to sever the link and allow myself to heal.  Having items that she is likely to pursue will only drag things on, so it would be healthier for you to remove any reason for contact in the imminent future then you're able to focus on yourself and she doesn't have excuses to disrupt your detaching process.  What is the situation with her belongings now?

Love and light x