Suggestions for strategies to cope, and to make decisions...?

[Dissolving]

Hello All

I chose the name ':)issolving' because that is how I feel; as though all the parts of me are eroding.
Yet worse, that the dissolution is beginning to calcify, leaving me with lumps or scars, with the outcome that the person I thought I knew, ie me, as a reasonably empathetic person, is becoming less so. The calcifications are enclosing my ability to remain empathetic; not what I want to happen.

There is no 'formal' diagnosis that my husband has BPD or NPD.

We are both in our late 50s, have been married previously and only married less than 2 years ago.

We both share the same doctor (GP). She was my friend, over 20 years, before she eventually became my doctor, when I moved to her area.
I hadn't shared my deep concerns with her because of the fact that she is also my husband's doctor and I know that he had spoken to her about some of difficulties and challenges coping - although he has been very pointed in telling me that he never discusses anything to do with our relationship with her. I didn't want to compromise her professionally.

Eventually, however, she contacted me, as friend, to ask if I was ok. I wasn't, so, after checking if it was okay, I let it all out and told her, including why I had withheld something I would perhaps have shared with her, as a friend seeking support.
At the end of my prolonged outpouring, during which she listened actively and without interruption, with only the occasional clarifying question, among the several things she spoke about was her belief that my husband manifests as NPD. At first I was both surprised and resistant to such an idea. She didn't expand on it, just left it with me. She also gently let me know that if she had to choose between a close friend who happened to be her patient, and the partner/patient, that she would choose her friend. She said it in a way which did not mean she would abandon my husband as a patient, inferring that he could be referred to one of the other doctors in her practice.

I drove home feeling both better and worse. Better, from having a pressure valve relieved by being able to express my concerns and feelings to someone I trust and value. Worse, because the concept of NPD was rolling around in my head and the fact that, although I had vented, the situation in which I was living, was still the same.

And, sadly, I am still in that situation, some months down the track from that conversation.

I have trawled websites, reading and listening widely to information about various personality disorders. I come from a base of some existing understanding, with one of my undergraduate degrees including minors in psychology and counselling, and a post grad degree in Special Education, a brother who lives with Bipolar Disorder and working daily with young students who live with ASD and other challenges. I mention this to indicate that I have always felt that I have been open to and cognisant of the different ways of being and thinking that many people struggle with.

My husband manifests behaviours that I am utterly struggling with. The reading I have done so far has left me nodding at the screen so often as I read or listen to descriptions, traits, scenarios, personal accounts. I see him in so many elements of what is presented, both in elements of NPD and BPD. I’ve completed checklists which assert if you answer yes to two or more elements it indicates you are in an abusive relationship; and winced as I ticked off 7 out of 20, another 6 out of 10.

I don’t want any of this. I fell in love with a really interesting man with an amazing mind. When we are in periods of calmness, that man with the amazing mind is still there, is still interesting. It’s those periods in between. I feel we are both being lessened by our inability to deal effectively with conflict.

While I have said to my husband, on several occasions, I feel that our relationship is no longer workable, he insists that it is. He overpowers me with his words, his ability to manipulate what I say, to twist things around.
So I stay.
A big part of me wants to stay. I do love him, I would very much prefer that our marriage survived. Yet, more often of late, I feel utter resentment towards him; as much as I am loathe to admit it, I’ve also felt hatred towards him as an outcome of the behaviours he manifests.

I read that I cannot ‘cure’ him. That I need to learn to live with it or leave.

I want both. Aargh.
I don’t feel strong enough to leave, emotionally.

I have an intense and busy job, which is one of the many sources of conflict. At the time of our marriage I was unaware my husband was not really employed. He had impressed me with his interesting work as an ecologist and engaged me with many stories. He had told me that he was self-employed and he did in fact have some contracts as that point. These, it seemed, petered out. My husband has not worked from just before we were married. He has since had surgeries on his knees, with another surgery planned for early next year. Although he chooses to not acknowledge the various impacts this has on our situation, it is a significant contributor in many ways.

Additionally, not wanting to sound petty, however…because we both owned houses when we met, he moved into mine. He continued to pay the mortgage on his and me, mine. I don’t want to leave my house, (okay, legally it’s his house now, too…) however he has nowhere to go – his house is in the process of being sold and it turns out he will make only a tiny amount of profit due to buying high and selling low.

So, I guess some part of writing this to ‘you’ is to ask about decision making.
What suggestions are there about how I might go about genuinely working out:
•   How can I work out if I should stay or go?
•   What are the most effective tools or strategies to help me analyse my situation?
•   And, perhaps, even prior to these questions, am I in the right location to post/ask questions, given that my husband does not have a formal diagnosis of NPD or BPD?

I haven’t shared about the emotional abuse, being the core of our conflict and the element which dissolves me most. The controlling behaviours and the, fortunately rare, physical behaviours, the isolating, extreme jealousy, intense romantic idealisation, seeming inability to engage in any form of dialogue without it being referenced back to him and, (as in the old saying and well-titled book that I haven’t yet read) always walking on eggshells, hoping to avoid the next intercept.

Just writing this has been somewhat cathartic; thank you for reading this far!

Warm regards
(yet still)
Dissolving

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Dissolving,

Welcome Dissolving, ,

I'm so glad you found us! You are absolutely in the right place. A diagnosis is not required to post on the boards. A very large % of the members on the the various boards do not have a diagnosis for their pwBPD because getting them into T or to even admit there is an issue that needs a diagnosis may never happen.

There is hope for you and for your marriage. It will take A LOT of work on your part though. Are you up for the task? A year ago I never would have believed it was possible to live a close to normal life with someone with BPD. But I have really worked on hard on learning everything I can about BPD and used this board constantly. I remember checking off so many of  those verbal abuse indicators and realizing how out of control my life had become. We still have issues, but the indicators would be much lower.

What type of behavior are you seeing that is most difficult for you?

We have a lot of great workshops and lessons on the right side of the page. To get you started here is one of our workshops on the Dos and Dont's of a BPD Relationship . This one lesson gives you a brief summary of some of our other tools and workshops.

[Mutt]

Hi Dissolving,  


I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time , I like your username, it's appropriate, I can understand how emotionally draining a r/s with a pwBPD/NPD can be.

I have an intense and busy job, which is one of the many sources of conflict. At the time of our marriage I was unaware my husband was not really employed. He had impressed me with his interesting work as an ecologist and engaged me with many stories.

I think this would be a good start, self care, when you're happier, you can manage stressful situations easier than if you're burning the candles at both ends.

What do you for self care?

You were married two years ago, how long were together before that? Has he worked since you both met?

[pearlsw]

Hi Dissolving, Thanks for your post! I can relate to many parts of it. It has been hard for me coming to terms with all of this and figuring out how to manage, relate, deal with it all too. At times I felt just like this... .like I was starting to no longer exist in my own life. It was like everything about him was so much bigger and I was just disappearing. It was so hard! I think one thing I would recommend is to just begin studying and applying some of the techniques and trying to remain a bit hopeful... .or at least don't give in to total despair. I have been to the brink many times over the years and a bit over the edge at times, but for now I am holding on and rebuild a bit. I try to live in the present with this stuff... .that helps it seem much less overwhelming. With techniques I've picked up here, and by going towards him instead of pushing him away even when he acts horribly, I am noticing that he is now having longer white phases. So, I think it can be possible (for some of us) to have some affect on the dynamic - but no guarantees. It's an experiment.

While you likely can't "cure" him you may find you have some ways to make this situation more livable. (I say likely because I have read of a few people with BPD who do feel as they have been "cured", but they worked for years for that outcome.) I have some background with other types of illnesses in my family so I am able to channel that a bit and stay open to having this illness as a part of my life. There are other times when I'd just like to move to another part of the world and live in a cave and get away from it all!

You have a lot of your own emotions to work through here. I know how hard that can be with these BPD storms hitting! Take your time. At the least making sense of this will help you feel more grounded whatever direction this might take. Take care!