Bewildered and confused

[Twiggy1971]

I have been in a heterosexual relationship for the last 5 years and, after our latest irrational argument, during which I felt so hurt and numb that I just walked away, I am waking up to the fact that my partner may suffer from BPD. He is 8 years younger than me, had recently quit his last job due to burn-out when we met, and was unemployed (and financially dependent on me) for most of the time we’ve been together.

He has always tended to be rather moody and extremely sensitive but this endeared him to me even more and brought out my nurturing instincts in trying to protect his fragile soul. In return I was put on a pedestal and idolised for the best part of 3 years. Until one very silly and shortsighted mistake on my part: that of going out to a platonic dinner with an ex without telling my partner. Whilst using my mobile phone he discovered the message exchange fixing the dinner appointment with my ex and his world seemed to have come crashing down, whilst my pedestal was destroyed. All this happened just after he had given me a ring and a promise of marriage asap (he had been married at an early age when his then gf of a month got pregnant, but that marriage lasted only 1 year, although it was followed by 12 years of very bitter separation/child custody proceedings, which have to date not led to divorce). Although at the time he had packed his bags and walked out, breaking all contact with me, he did come back of his own accord after 3 weeks, however the relationship never went back to the previous level.

When he came back he started making a number of demands, insisting that I put all my bank accounts as well as my apartment, where we lived together, in both our names. His reasoning was that couples/families share everything, and that this was the only way for me to reassure him that I really wanted to share my life with him. He had always been financially dependent on me and had access to my accounts and home anyway, but I was loathe to make the legal changes he wanted as he has always been very irrational with his spending on credit card, even whilst not having any income. This issue has always been a sore bone of contention between us although my reluctance to have anything jointly always stemmed from my fear of his impulsivity with money, rather than a fear that he would try to take any kind of advantage.

As happy as the first 3 years were, these last two have been a constant roller-coaster ride. We have in the meantime changed country of residence (moving to my country of origin due to my job) but this caused him great distress as it was a rather quick decision and he feels that it ate away at the stability and routine he had built with me in the first 3 years. The “trauma” was so deep that he moved out shortly after our arrival in the new country and went to live in a hotel. He did come back after a couple of months but this was short-lived and he moved out again within a month, this time renting an apartment where he is still living.

In hindsight I realise I made the mistake of continuing to help him financially throughout all this time, allowing him to pay rent and other expenses, whilst also paying for all food, clothes, travel and entertainment. Although it made him happy it also seems to have created a lot of resentment , but at the fact that he felt dependent on me financially and had no financial autonomy since I managed the purse strings at all times.

In the meantime, thanks to my connections, I have helped him to find a steady job, where he feels quite happy, although once again he is conscious of the fact that he wouldn’t be there were it not for me. Therefore although he needs my constant help and support to carry out most of his daily tasks, he avoids telling anyone at work that we are in a relationship and doesn’t ever want me to go near his office. The stress caused by his feeling rather out of his depth at work, whilst at the same time going through the final stages of his divorce, have greatly changed his character. He is cruel towards me, criticising me on everything and reproaching me for not giving him my full attention at all times (even when I am at work and to the point of getting very resentful of my elderly mother who also makes demands on my time). He flies into horrific rages for seemingly banale issues (my switching on the ventilator or AC, both of which he dislikes, due to feeling unwell due to the heat, or my having a different opinion to his on how to  follow a recipe) and has lately often threatened that he would break my nose if I said another word. I have never felt so bewildered in all my life and, although I am quite a mature and emotionally strong person, he has rocked my self esteem and managed to make me doubt myself and all I stand for, so much so that I started going to a therapist, whilst he has always refused to join me. In the meantime, although I always thought he was emotionally somewhat immature and very impulsive, I had never heard of BPD until my therapist suggested that he may have this condition.

Due to the difficulties he had been facing he had recently repeatedly said that I shouldn’t abandon him at this time as otherwise he would lose his way completely. He had also mentioned that he didn’t feel ok in his head and he was suffering from insomnia, stress related muscle pains and dark thoughts.

The last argument was last week when he was organising a small party at his apartment for his colleagues, and for which he insisted that I help him prepare, but at which I was not welcome myself, since “he feels uncomfortable and insecure in my presence”. This hurt me immensely and I said that if I wasn’t good enough to be with his colleagues then I was also not good enough for all the other things he needed me for, and I just walked away. After several hurtful and cruel phone messages he has now stopped all contact, except for one message in which he said that he was facing a lot of difficulties and didn’t want me adding to them.

For the first time I feel quite numb and am not missing him much, but I have a deep sense of guilt that he is in this difficult situation due to a chain of events which I provoked. I am so upset that all the sense of safety and stability I had helped him acquire have been lost and has been replaced by this disturbed mental state of darkness, gloom, depression and inquietude.

In all of this I keep asking myself whether I should still try to reach out to him and help him get out of this black hole. Can and should I do it or would I be damaging him even more? Should I instead give him time and space to sort out his feelings by himself? In the meantime what is the risk that he harms himself?

Thank you in advance for your advice and support.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[once removed]

hi Twiggy1971 and

you gave us a pretty good picture of the conflict in your relationship. its a good thing youre seeking therapy and learning about BPD, it can really help to get ourselves to baseline and better support our partners, and ourselves.

have you heard from him since the argument last week?

[Twiggy1971]

Hello and thank your for taking the time to reply

Yes he did contact me to ask for some things he has at my place and to tell me that i should  leave them outside my door as he doesn’t want to see me. I didn’t want to go along with his suggestion because I have many things at his place which i’d want to have back eventually if it’s really over, but I don’t want to broach this issue now as it’s a sore point.

Two days ago he told me he was going  abroad for work for 3 weeks & I said he should use this time to find some piece (he’s one of those who says there’s nothing wrong with him and refuses to acknowledge he has a problem). He replied saying that I should stop contacting him so that perhaps slowly he can start to find peace. I don’t know what to make of that - he’s said that in the past (before I understood his BPD issuesj but that would usually then lead to accusations of how I have ruined his life that he wants to meet other women, and then finally to making up. But I don’t understand this pattern and how I should react.

Am still puzzled by his behavior - I feel very tempted to tell him exactly how he’s making me feel, and how contradictory he sounds, but am not sure that’s a good idea.

[once removed]

In all of this I keep asking myself whether I should still try to reach out to him and help him get out of this black hole. Can and should I do it or would I be damaging him even more? Should I instead give him time and space to sort out his feelings by himself? In the meantime what is the risk that he harms himself?

my answer to this would be that only he can sort this out. it sounds, throughout your story, like he really struggles with being a self sufficient individual, and this is true for many with BPD traits. one of the insidious things about BPD is that individuals with traits can be very dependent on their significant others, or loved ones, and then grow to resent them.

right now it sounds like youre in a bit of limbo. youve been here before when hes gone away, and then returned. this may be another case of that. i would not advise taking action as far as the status of your relationship or trying to help him. i would use this time to learn more about BPD, and to work the lessons and tools directly to the right of the board. there is some long festering conflict here, none of which you can address with him right now, but assuming that he returns, and wants to make up, it will take a lot of work to build a healthier foundation going forward, and youll want to have a head start on that.

did he leave for the trip today, or is that tomorrow? has there been any new communication or update?

[Meili]

I would like to join once removed in welcoming you to the bpdfamily.

What you have written really resonates with me. I too spent a lot of time struggling with feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG). As once removed said, it is common for people with BPD traits (pwBPD) to develop a sense of learned helplessness, become dependent upon others, and then grow to resent them.

I don't think that telling him how you feel or how he sounds will be productive. If he were in an emotionally neutral place, you might be able to convey things in a way that he will hear them. As long as he is emotional, the likelihood that he will hear what you are trying to say is very small.

You're posting on the Saving board, so it's clear that you want to reconcile. How do you see things playing out?

[Twiggy1971]

Hello again and many thanks for the insight you have both provided. What you both say about pwBPD becoming very dependent on their SOs/loved ones and then resenting them, sounds very familiar. And I just couldn’t understand why he was so ungrateful and hurtful.

He has been away since Tuesday - he sent me a long WhatsApp message one night asking me what I really want from him by replying to his message about going away for 3 weeks. At the same time he says that he has taken his decision and doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore and I should leave him in peace. I’m happy to do that but I see that he is online at very weird night hours and am concerned about him, although i’m not sure I care at this point.

Finally I post in this message board because I feel guilty and responsible for him. I’m glad he’s earning his own money now as this is when he would usually go on an internet spending spree and then not have enough money to cover his credit card bill. Now that I am understanding what lies beneath i’m not sure I want to save this relationship or if you can even call it a relationship. But at the same time I do feel very sad and disappointed that we will never have the future we had both dreamed about, and I feel cheated out of it.

If this is indeed over, I would like to have proper closure, not just a cold shoulder and indifference. I would like to know that I haven’t really ruined his life and that, no matter what, he would have ended up in the same place anyway. Is that too much to ask?

[Meili]

That may be too much to ask at this moment. It sounds like things are still emotionally charged for you both and it may be best to just let things rest for a bit without making any decisions about the future or possibilities.

It sounds like you have a good awareness of your feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt. That is a good place to start. It may help you to know that others can use those feelings as a form of control.

Understanding this dynamic is the first step in learning how to manage our own feelings of being controlled or the compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing.

Controlling or being controlled is a transaction. For us, an enabling reaction to the psychological defenses and dysfunctional coping of others - often people who are immature or suffering with addictions, depression, personality disorders, etc.

You can read more about control and FOG HERE.

[Twiggy1971]

Hello and thank you for the insight.

I have reflected on the feelings of FOG and I realize that I often find myself controlled by such feelings, which generate a lot of resentment in me. My own elderly mother uses guilt feelings a lot to get my attention and I have tried long and hard to get rid of such feelings but I just can’t seem to do it.

At the moment my SO is abroad for work purposes and we “touch base” through one single short message per day. I am starting to miss him (maybe it’s true that distance makes the heart grow fonder) but at th same time I cringe at the hurt of our last argument and don’t want to go back there. From past experience I know he might come back with a list of demands which I should accept if I want us to get back together. Of course I don’t want to do that again but I don’t feel strong enough to break the cycle. How can I use the time apart to build my strength and remain firm yet calm if this scenario does come to pass? I seem to get emotional very quickly whenever I face feelings of FOG.

Thank you

[Meili]

You are very wise in wanting to use the time apart to look at how you can better strengthen yourself so as to deal with what may come.

One of the best things that you can do for yourself is learn what it means to think with a Wisemind so that you can make better choices. It involves thinking with both your emotions and reasoning and making choices based on their intersection.

Reasonable/Logical mind, Wise Mind, Emotion Mind
Wise Mind is that place where reasonable mind and emotion mind overlap.  It is the integration of emotion mind and reasonable/logical mind.

Another very important place to focus on is your sense of self. Self-worth, self-image, and self-respect are all at play here. Figuring out how they fit into the past narrative and what part you want them to play in the future narrative will help guide you. It helps if you do a postmortem on the past relationship and try to understand your role in it.