self Isolation, extremely low self esteem, anxiety in BPD Girlfriend

[Beren2016]

Hi all

i will try to keep this as brief as possible... .

My girlfriend has BPD, elements of Bipolar, and Anxiety. i am worried about her recently, she struggles to leave the house in normal situations due to anxiety and self esteem problems, but in the last couple of months she has been isolating herself totally.

she only sees me on a night when i finish work anyway but she is avoiding leaving the house even with me, and is turning down social events with friends that she wouldnormally attend (her normal attendance is intermittent but now she attends nothing). Her reasons for this are that "there will be people there" and that it is to do with her perceived weight and self esteem and not wanting to see people while she hasn't lost weight.

her anxiety is linked to her self perception and self esteem in a big way and this dominates her thoughts when she is outside, i wont go into detail as i am sure you can imagine her thought process... .(i will add though that this is not an eating disorder issue)

i also believe this is causing depression which in turn prevents her from leaving the house, looking after herself and  doing the exercises she wants to start... .which then causes self hatred.

my question is... .how can i support her and help her to not isolate herself?

                                     and

i think she is beautiful and tell her this, but i support that she is not happy and wants change so i support it (while looking for any dangerous actions) so... . 

how can i help her with her self esteem?

 

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi Beren2016,
Validate, validate, validate.

It's counterintuitive sometimes. She says "I look horrible!" and you say "You look beautiful". And instead of listeing to your appreciation, what she gets is "he's telling me that my feelings are wrong".

Then what? Do we say : "yes honey, you certainly look horrible"? You know we don't. But you can say, "I feel ugly many times, and I know it crushes you. I wish you saw how pretty you look in my eyes".

You say it's not an eating D. It might be behing your back, there are many types and many ramifications. But the eating is only the tip of the iceberg, and one of the vissible parts, only that. Behind that, there is a bunch of identity and self esteem issues.

Adknowledge that she is having a bad time. It is hard to be validating, but it is easier to keep an eye out for not being invalidating. Avoid any statement that says "your perception is wrong". As in "people won't care" "you just need to do it" "you don't need to lose weight"... .And look for things you can validate and even reward.

Other than that, I've found we can lower their anxiety levels. Provide a distraction, or a relaxing activity. Try to avoid engaging in arguments. Be patient, don't try to change it quick.

You can say something like: "I see it is very hard for you to get out now, we can stay if you want. But if you think about something I can do to make it better for you, I'm here when you are ready."

Have you read about validation in this site? https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Let us know your thoughts and if you try a different approach. We are here to listen.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Beren2016

I'm sorry that you are struggling to find ways to help your gf.

I agree with what JoeBPD says. Validation will be important. Our first reaction is to say something like "No you aren't. You're beautiful." but that only invalidates what she is thinking. For her feelings=reality and her reality says she is ugly. Joe's example of how to address her feelings is perfect.

Adding to that, if you want to try to push her towards going out, perhaps you can say something like, "I know you're nervous about people responding to you at the party (or wherever). I'd love it if you went with me and I will be right there next to you for support. If you feel like it's too much then we can leave. Will you please reconsider going with me? It would mean a lot to me. I like going out with my best girl."

[Beren2016]

thank you to both of you

i am working on many of the things that you have said, learning to properly validate the correct things is very important to me... .and after reading your words it clarifies to me how it could help in this situation... .i always try not to say she is wrong and do as you suggest. i often use an example of her being like a Butterfly , i can see how beautiful she is but, right now. like a butterfly she cant see her beauty.

it is hard to watch her go through all of this... reflecting on the implications of you words i think she does not believe she is doing enough to change, in her eyes, what she sees/feels.  i think this has her thoughts in a cycle of hopelessness that has her paralysed... .

i will think harder about where i can validate how she feels, maybe in new ways and hopefully this will re-enforce positive feelings about herself and that she is on the right track... .

i always support any change she wants for herself, in this case in regards to weight loss. At this stage she is dieting healthily... if her diet achieves change, she can get the nice clothes she wants and i believe she will slowly improve from there in regards to anxiety and self hate.

with that said i am always looking for signs that it is going in eating disorder territory... .theory my concern is if seeing the change doesn't work and the self hatred doesn't disappear after some change... .but i will cross that when we come to it

thank you to both of you  your words have really helped me see this in a clear light and see ways that communication can help with this.

i really appreciate the advice