Does This Mean Anything?

[JWebb88]

It's been three weeks since my ex BPD narcissist boyfriend sent me an extremely cruel goodbye text. This was also only after playing with my feelings for almost 10 months. (I had discovered he had gotten the girl he cheated on me with pregnant etc.) My question is this: Why has my ex not blocked me anywhere?

After his final text, I simply assumed that he'd block me. He hasn't. All my ex bf has done is unfriend me on Snapchat. Nothing more. Is this to taunt me or am I reading too much into this? I know that I'm most likely a source of emotional "supply" to him, so I'm curious if this is just the silent treatment.

I am mostly trying to figure this out in order to, I guess, prepare myself for what he may do next. Both my therapist and psychiatrist seem to think he'll eventually reach out. They said it's unlikely that he'll break his pattern with me, especially now since he has a baby with his unstable rebound. And if that's the case has he truly lost my number?

Most days I feel as though I'm losing my mind over my ex boyfriend's actions. I honestly am at a loss as to what our relationship had meant to him. If nothing then why reach out? Why even try? Anybody have any thoughts?

[LoveLostHeart]

Hi!

I am unsure of this too so I am afraid I am not much of a help. Eventuallt after alot of things that happend the last message I got was basically leave me alone.
After she said this I almost begged her to block me because I was having such a hard time not to try and say it louder, but she never did. Not sure why. For me it kinda feels like 2 things:

1: She dislikes me so much right now she doesn’t wanna comply to something I asked.
2: She wants to leave a door open.

Unsure though. I have been in nc now for around a month. I hope I can keep up. Somedays i’m doing pretty okay and tbh at this moment I find myself sitting in a park by myself while it’s like 5 degrees because I wanted to be alone and cry... difficult times. What do you feel like the reason is? And would you ever want to go back?

[Mutt]

Hi JWebb88,

I wouldn't look into it too much that he blocked you one place and not through all means to get in touch with you. To answer your question about why he is going to reach out, it may sound harsh but some people can't be alone are always in a r/s, one r/s winds down and another ramps up. To be fair this is something that we encourage it doesn't matter if it's BPD or NPD, we tell others to get into a new r/s to get over the last one. I was reading an article where the writers husband had passed away and in less than 3 weeks family and friends were encouraging her to get into a new r/s, she was not comfortable with that.

[steelwork]

Maybe you haven't been blocked because you haven't been making unwanted contact?

This may be a generational thing, but I don't understand blocking people who have not done anything to violate your space, unless it's to "send a message"? I have never blocked anyone anywhere other than robo-callers. When my ex blocked me, I was so hurt and stricken, and it seemed so unnecessarily harsh. But maybe younger people don't feel this way. (I'm 52.) There seem to be very different standards for young people these days about how you treat people who aren't right in front of you.

[JWebb88]

Hi!

I am unsure of this too so I am afraid I am not much of a help. Eventuallt after alot of things that happend the last message I got was basically leave me alone.
After she said this I almost begged her to block me because I was having such a hard time not to try and say it louder, but she never did. Not sure why. For me it kinda feels like 2 things:

1: She dislikes me so much right now she doesn’t wanna comply to something I asked.
2: She wants to leave a door open.

Unsure though. I have been in nc now for around a month. I hope I can keep up. Somedays i’m doing pretty okay and tbh at this moment I find myself sitting in a park by myself while it’s like 5 degrees because I wanted to be alone and cry... difficult times. What do you feel like the reason is? And would you ever want to go back?

I don't know what the reason is. His last message was especially cruel. He denied the last half of our relationship, threw the loss of our child in my face, blamed me for it, called our child an "aborted kid," and then told me never to contact him again. Ever. I expected him to block me because that's his usual pattern, but he didn't. It's why I posted here in the first place.

If I were making an educated guess, perhaps it's to keep the door open? I know he isn't happy with K (the baby momma). I also know that he typically reaches out, usually when he's lonely etc. However, the tone of this last text was extremely cold. I know my therapist and psychiatrist are probably right in thinking M will make contact, yet I'm unsure. I feel as though I'm going crazy from his treatment of me. I'm second guessing everything.

As for taking him back, I don't know either. My heart still, despite everything, longs for him. I do love him. I won't deny that. But, logically? I also realize I should stay away. He will not change without therapy and medication, which he would have to want to participate in. Then there's K. This unbalanced manipulative person would be in my life forever (or at least 18 years) if he and I reconciled. Knowing her, she would try to sabotage our relationship at every turn as well as use their child as a bargaining chip. I honestly want nothing to do with K nor the headaches she would cause.

I guess I'm just confused. What I ultimately want is to figure M out. To understand the meaning behind his behavior; to prepare myself for the future. So far, I seem to be failing in this endeavor. I only have more questions instead of answers.  

[JWebb88]

Hi JWebb88,

I wouldn't look into it too much that he blocked you one place and not through all means to get in touch with you. To answer your question about why he is going to reach out, it may sound harsh but some people can't be alone are always in a r/s, one r/s winds down and another ramps up. To be fair this is something that we encourage it doesn't matter if it's BPD or NPD, we tell others to get into a new r/s to get over the last one. I was reading an article where the writers husband had passed away and in less than 3 weeks family and friends were encouraging her to get into a new r/s, she was not comfortable with that.

The thing is he has not blocked me anywhere. He once told me that when he is done with someone then he is completely done with them. I remember it sent shivers down my spine. Now he seems to have contradicted himself. He has recently professed he wants nothing to do with me, yet has not tried to block me. The most he's done is unfriend me on Snapchat.

I suppose you might be right: M has not blocked me in case he will one day need me. Honestly, I am having a hard time understanding why he would need me after treating me with such disdain. I suppose there's no logical answer to such behavior. I doubt even M really knows. All I know is, this treatment hurts.

[JWebb88]

Maybe you haven't been blocked because you haven't been making unwanted contact?

This may be a generational thing, but I don't understand blocking people who have not done anything to violate your space, unless it's to "send a message"? I have never blocked anyone anywhere other than robo-callers. When my ex blocked me, I was so hurt and stricken, and it seemed so unnecessarily harsh. But maybe younger people don't feel this way. (I'm 52.) There seem to be very different standards for young people these days about how you treat people who aren't right in front of you.

Blocking people you were once in a relationship is quite common, especially if things ended badly. My ex has blocked me before (even during our relationship). The reason I posted this question is he hasn't done what I had expected him to do, which is sever all connection to me. Instead M has left doors open. It's left me even more confused than before.

[happendtome]

They only get "better". So, if he has usually blocked you then he has reasons not to block you this time. Maybe he expects that you would contact him and that way he can show his dominance?

I read one good article lately. https://www.psychopathfree.com/articles/why-narcissists-want-to-know-if-they-hurt-you.389/

I quote something from that article

---
To people with Cluster-B disorders, it's very important that you still like them, even if they don't like you. They want to be 100% sure they are the one to reject you, and never the other way around. These "victories" give them bursts of self-worth and excitement, but of course this is a pretty hollow form of self-worth.

Your praise, reactions, adoration, and even hatred are all proof that they "exist". That they are important. That they matter. Look how strongly you reacted, they must have been important! Without any internal compass of their own, they rely on external measures of worth to prove their value.

---
Your ex seems to wait your reaction and thats why he hasnt blocked you. In your case i would leave things like they are. So no reactions.
Of course there is also possibility that he is just so "busy" with other things, but i have noticed that these people can be very sneaky.

[SummerStorm]

Someone asked earlier if it's a generational thing, and I do think that's part of it.  I think we can all relate to how technology has made everything so much more impersonal.  I teach high school, and I see it with both students and parents.  Students can send 100 messages on their phone but can't answer a question on a study guide that they completed for homework.  They don't want to talk.  They just want to stare at their phone.   Parents frequently don't email me back.  I even have some co-workers who don't respond to simple questions that I text them.  Recently, I sent one co-worker two emails, spaced a few weeks apart, about news articles directly related to our curriculum, and she never said anything about either one.  No "thanks for those article links"  or "Hey, got your email.  I'll check out those articles!"

I was taught to reply to people, even if I don't want to.  My mom hates her sisters, but when either one sent me a birthday card when I was a kid, my mom made me sit down and write a thank you letter. 

Technology gives everyone, including pwBPD the power to just toss other people out of their life.  My ex-friend blocked me without a word almost four months ago.  In the past, she's at least said goodbye when she painted me black.  And there were other times when she didn't block me at all and would just randomly text me again a few weeks later.  Regardless, none of that is normal or acceptable behavior.

To the OP: What you need to ask yourself is, is it worth it to spend time trying to figure out someone who can't even figure himself out?

[EdR]

Someone asked earlier if it's a generational thing, and I do think that's part of it.  I think we can all relate to how technology has made everything so much more impersonal.  I teach high school, and I see it with both students and parents.  Students can send 100 messages on their phone but can't answer a question on a study guide that they completed for homework.  They don't want to talk.  They just want to stare at their phone.   Parents frequently don't email me back.  I even have some co-workers who don't respond to simple questions that I text them.  Recently, I sent one co-worker two emails, spaced a few weeks apart, about news articles directly related to our curriculum, and she never said anything about either one.  No "thanks for those article links"  or "Hey, got your email.  I'll check out those articles!"

I was taught to reply to people, even if I don't want to.  My mom hates her sisters, but when either one sent me a birthday card when I was a kid, my mom made me sit down and write a thank you letter. 

Technology gives everyone, including pwBPD the power to just toss other people out of their life.  My ex-friend blocked me without a word almost four months ago.  In the past, she's at least said goodbye when she painted me black.  And there were other times when she didn't block me at all and would just randomly text me again a few weeks later.  Regardless, none of that is normal or acceptable behavior.

To the OP: What you need to ask yourself is, is it worth it to spend time trying to figure out someone who can't even figure himself out?

I can really relate to what you and steelwork said. I genuinely feel this is becoming a generational and even cultural thing in society.
I often even describe society today as a 'PD' society. Due to the rise of social media everything revolves more and more about 'attention'. Society as a whole tends to become more and more superficial: quick likes, beach insta photos during winter, replies being 'hottie' or triple heart emojis etc. etc... Tons of friends, but most of them mean absolutely nothing and 'best friends' are often just these girls and boys who are used as 'wingmen' during partying.
A true emotional connection seems to be considered 'weird' or 'awkward'. Taking other people's feelings into account? Why even bother?

This leads to the extreme situation where one night stands seem to be considered as 'more normal' than a guy expressing how much he likes and cares for her. It's not just BPD anymore... .
I am deliberately exaggerating a bit here of course, but I really do think there is a truth to all of this. To put it less bluntly: not replying, not caring in simple day to day stuff (as you described) is all absolutely FINE these days for a lot of people. And this is a TOXIC environment for anyone with BPD/NPD traits.

To the OP: A lot of people would say: don't read too much into this. I agree to a certain extent just to protect yourself. But I do feel there often is something more at stake here. You could possibly never get an e-mail or text, but even then I still feel it could have meaning.
Imo it's either a possibility for the pwBPD to reach out again IF (not when) the pwBPD feels like to do so, or it is a means to protect their own broken self. They still want to feel the attention, so not slamming the door shut would still give YOU the option to reach out at some point. Strengthening their sense of self worth.

[itgetsbetter94]

JWebb88, this person got into your head so much and so hard.
I, as a reader, can feel you're drowning in toxic emotions, doubts, insecurities and can really feel your pain. You're reading too much into it and that's only prolonging your pain. I know, I've been there, and still sometimes am. I also have million question marks around my head why does he still have our photos on fb and insta, and hasn't posted anything since, so everyone can think we're still together, when in fact he's planning to marry someone else. It's mind boggling to me. It gives me false hope and false sense that he's thinking about me. So, in my mind I have to put stop on that, and so do you.
Even if he shows kneeling at my door, with a bouquet of roses and an engagement ring, with all the right words and apologies, I wouldn't take him back. I wouldn't even open the door. Becouse I know that is the Hamlet's "to be or not to be" for me, and I decide "to be".
With this firm decision in my mind, it really doesn't matter will he ever reach out or not. To be 100% honest, I do want him to reach out once again, only that I can ignore him once more. I know that's immature though, but my ego has been sk bruised and wounded, that I can't even be ashamed of myself for wanting that. But, regardless, the end result would be the same, I'd continue NC forever. For the next 100 lives. For eternity and beyond. :D

[JWebb88]

Your ex seems to wait your reaction and thats why he hasnt blocked you. In your case i would leave things like they are. So no reactions.
Of course there is also possibility that he is just so "busy" with other things, but i have noticed that these people can be very sneaky.

I think you're right: He is waiting for a reaction. That, or he's keeping the door open in case things don't work out with his new girlfriend. Considering they had a baby after five minutes of dating, I doubt things will end well between them. Either way, I plan not to engage with him. He told me to leave him alone and that is exactly what I intend to do.

Also, thank you for the article! It was extremely helpful. Gave me a lot more insight into what my ex may be thinking.

[JWebb88]

To the OP: What you need to ask yourself is, is it worth it to spend time trying to figure out someone who can't even figure himself out?

Honestly, I know thinking about my ex isn't healthy. I am trying to move forward, but it's proven difficult. I truly fell in love with this person. I guess a part of me is sad that he became everything he didn't want to be. There's also a lot of history between us. Things that have made saying goodbye especially hard. I do admit, however, that I need to somehow leave M in the past where he belongs. Ultimately, I deserve someone who will love, respect and remain faithful to me. I just wish it could have been him. 

[JWebb88]

To the OP: A lot of people would say: don't read too much into this. I agree to a certain extent just to protect yourself. But I do feel there often is something more at stake here. You could possibly never get an e-mail or text, but even then I still feel it could have meaning.
Imo it's either a possibility for the pwBPD to reach out again IF (not when) the pwBPD feels like to do so, or it is a means to protect their own broken self. They still want to feel the attention, so not slamming the door shut would still give YOU the option to reach out at some point. Strengthening their sense of self worth.

I completely agree. M wants to feel as though he is in control. He most likely also blames me for his current relationship woes with K as well. pwBPD seem to be notorious for shifting fault onto others so as not to face their own shortcomings. Regardless, I intend to be wary of any and all of my ex's actions. Even if he did write me a long apology message or wanted to reconcile, I would take every word with a grain of salt. I mean, he hid a pregnancy from me, so what else could he be hiding? I definitely plan to err on the side of caution in the future.

[JWebb88]

JWebb88, this person got into your head so much and so hard.
I, as a reader, can feel you're drowning in toxic emotions, doubts, insecurities and can really feel your pain. You're reading too much into it and that's only prolonging your pain. I know, I've been there, and still sometimes am. I also have million question marks around my head why does he still have our photos on fb and insta, and hasn't posted anything since, so everyone can think we're still together, when in fact he's planning to marry someone else. It's mind boggling to me. It gives me false hope and false sense that he's thinking about me. So, in my mind I have to put stop on that, and so do you.
Even if he shows kneeling at my door, with a bouquet of roses and an engagement ring, with all the right words and apologies, I wouldn't take him back. I wouldn't even open the door. Becouse I know that is the Hamlet's "to be or not to be" for me, and I decide "to be".
With this firm decision in my mind, it really doesn't matter will he ever reach out or not. To be 100% honest, I do want him to reach out once again, only that I can ignore him once more. I know that's immature though, but my ego has been sk bruised and wounded, that I can't even be ashamed of myself for wanting that. But, regardless, the end result would be the same, I'd continue NC forever. For the next 100 lives. For eternity and beyond. :D

Thank you for your kind words. I definitely agree with you: We both deserve better men in our lives. Granted, I wasn't always perfect, but I should not have been treated so poorly. Hopefully things will only improve for the both of us.