Death by a thousand cuts

[Enabler]

Without sounding like a victim, because I am not. This is something I have consciously chosen, a road that I knew was going to be hard but one I thought was right. But I miss her, dang I really miss her even though she's there.

By means of a background:
Undiagnosed BPD Passive Aggressive Christian Wife (I point out Christian as it's the way she defines herself at the moment although lives in a contradiction with it given her actions)
20yr relationship, 16yr marriage, 3 Kids 9/7/4
2 Recycles
Cutting ended 10yrs ago
Many inappropriate male relationships don't know if any of them were sexual recent one now almost 2yrs with "friend" at the church.
Separated 09/16, I came back 1/17 uninvited, she said she wanted divorce 3/17, she spoke to legal mediators 10/17, 2 sessions so far. Currently cohabitating

I am living at home experiencing all the joys of a father to my wonderful children, but I am missing something. I am missing the care and tenderness of my wife. I say care and tenderness but that was infrequent, especially the care. I suppose I miss the connection... .any connection. I live in our home, a home that I worked very hard for and we have had many happy times in it... .but now I'm an impostor, I'm not welcome other than to continue the emotional caretaking role that I have been given for the last 20 years. I mind the children, I cook the dinner, I tidy up the chaos and I make things nice, because these are good and right things to do for a person you love and care for. There are no objections from uBPDw. I have used the tools and we are now in a situation where there is little or no conflict and I am not harassed and neither does she feel "controlled" by me. I have never thought of myself as controlling despite her accusation of coercive control abuse as well as verbal abuse. My life is grey... .and a bit lonely if I'm honest. I work in a busy office, I have family and friends I am in contact with, I have adorable kids whom love talking to me... .But I miss 1 thing and 1 thing only, connection with my wife.

I keep telling myself, "you have done nothing wrong and there is no reason to be angry with you, you are a good man and you do not deserve to be treated like this" and I believe it. I have moments of doubt about my own sanity given the stubbornness of her memory to allow her fabrications about our past to be reordered into something resembling the last 20 years I recall, then I remind myself of the evidence I have found to support my own memories and ground myself. I remind myself that I am not the one who cut, I am not the one that finds solace in affairs, I do not escape to drunkenness, I can control my moods and I do not have abusive parents... .yet for all this it makes no difference. Yes, I could run away, start swiping right and get connection with other women pretty quickly but I've chosen this road and progress is slow and unbelievably painful.

I find myself in a position of absolute clarity, her choices make such little sense they make sense. She appears rational and functioning yet the contradictions in her life are endless and she cannot see them. I am not stuck, I am just standing my ground, I am choosing this, I am choosing to love someone what doesn't love me, it is my choice to stand for my promises of 16yrs ago and my children's future... .but blimmey I wish she would hold my hand and say thank you for standing by me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Enabler,

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. This is a difficult life event, i wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. Maybe your wife can’t thank you right now. I can tell from your post that you took the high road instead of taking the easy way out. That shows strength of character, you’re a good man for standing by her through highs and lows. Hang in there.

[pearlsw]

Hi Enabler,

Can I ask what your are currently doing to connect with your wife? Because of your disappointments do you feel like you have put up some walls to her to protect yourself? Have you ever tried something such as finding a way for both of you to express appreciation for anything you can think of to help lighten your days a bit?

I make a habit of always thanking my husband for every thing I can think of. It has helped him to become the same way in return more and more. (He used to drive me a bit nuts, and sometimes still does, because he seemed so impolite in my eyes.) Just something like this can create a nicer atmosphere since it is so easy for people to take each other for granted. He actually is the one who shares his appreciation for our life at times and inspires me. He sits at home, looks out the window, and says "Wow! What a wonderful life we have!" I just try to echo him whether I feel it that day very strongly or not. Sometimes just saying it makes life seem better - just a change in attitude towards the same set of circumstances makes a big difference. I wonder, in your case, if just expressing some gratitude out loud to yourself about yourself could help bring those words into the room. Maybe your wife could get interested in a "project" like this because it is mutual and is not putting the burden on her - it is a change you can make together.

If I need to feel good about myself or hear a compliment I just say it out loud and make a bit of a joke about it. "Man, am I awesome or what? I made some bread and I saved those last six bananas from the garbage! Look at me!" And then bust out laughing. Toss in a silly dance and follow it up with a silly song and I can make my own day!

I lavish praise on my husband and give him kisses when he takes out the garbage. You would think it was the most romantic thing ever! When he throws away something moldy I really praise him! "Oh my darling, for this alone I would marry you!"  Every little bit of healing and connection you make can add up! And see, all of that was free and easy and just about my attitude - an attitude I try to make into a habit.

She's there and she might want to reconnect too! What do you think? Do you think you could try something new? Not necessarily these silly ideas, but dream up some other ones that fit you?

best wishes to you!

[Enabler]

Hi Pearlsw,

I give all the praise and support I can, I help facilitate her freedom as much as I can, I'm kind and considerate as much as I can, I'm not critical, I don't invalidate her, I walk away from arguments, I'm attentive to her moods and receptiveness to conversations, I listen with empathy, I try and minimize her stress levels, I'm a great father... .It gets me nowhere though. Her defenses are so high and so thick now. She's so sensitive to everything I say and do. She believes that I have emotionally and verbally abused her for our entire marriage and she believes that anything I say is intended to manipulate her. She has a supportive friendship group who believe her tales of abuse and is highly entrenched as a victim. She has a few specific players who it would seem have their own agenda, another man whom I'm not sure she has romantic interests in but he certainly has romantic interests with her and has recently left his wife under the convenient excuse that he's been in an abusive relationship with his wife (his STBEXW does scream of a BPD Queen though and has some childhood trauma). The OM and her have been in intimate contact for about 2 years now both playing off each other how much of a victim they are of their oppressive partners whilst shrouding the whole thing in religious camouflage. No one knows the full story though, I'm not sure she does TBH and I certainly know that I don't know what she's been up to in the last 20yrs.

She has contorted her historical narrative to fit the feeling of abuse to such a degree I have accepted that I am hapless to help her unwind the ball of string unless she asks me specific questions... .which given she has opted for LC to NC it's impossible. e.g. on the divorce application she wants to put "We have not shared a bed for the last 4 years due to the escalation of his unreasonable behavior" I know for a fact that we shared a bed on a regular basis up till the point when we separated in Sep16 and I have evidence to support this. We didn't share a bed during the week post 2014 due to me getting up at 5am to go to work and this is something my wife expressed disappointment with "but being disturbed at 5am was killing her."

She's built a story to fit the feeling, and that story prohibits her from dropping her defenses as I'm ":)angerous".     

[pearlsw]

Hi Enabler,

Oh, I see! So you and your wife are living under the same roof but she's basically totally checked out of the relationship in every other sense? Do you expect this will go all the way to an actual divorce?

Do I understand correctly that you don't want a divorce, but you accept that she does? Or do you still want to talk to her and are hoping this is small hope to get her to reengage?

So sorry for your struggles. I can see that you have put a lot into your relationship and made a lot of sacrifices for it! 

[Enabler]

This is where I am at... .I have absolute clarity (apart from some scratchy details of things I think she might have done in the past which she feels guilty about i.e. relationships with other men) about what has happened, how I have reacted and her behaviours towards me. She has as you described "checked out" and we're cohabitating... .well, we're essentially a married couple excluding any intimacy be that physical or emotional. In discussions with my T we've both noticed that the move from "I want a divorce" Mar17 to actually taking any practical steps to action that divorce have been glacial Oct17. As my T said, "She seems to show no signs that she is thinking with her rational mind, using executive thinking to understand what is going to happen in the future." Examples of this are:

- Legal mediators were chosen based on an add in a free local magazine based on absolutely no recommendation
- Little or no knowledge of our financial position
- Little knowledge of the local housing market
- No investigation regarding what state benefits she might receive
- No investigation regarding child maintenance she would receive
- No investigation regarding divorce process or timing
- Minimal thought as to how access to the children would work
- Minimal understanding of the expectations of her getting a job would be post divorce
- Minimal thought to the change in her lifestyle e.g. I will not be around to look after the kids in the evenings or weekend.
- First legal mediation session she implied that divorce was urgent, yet she failed to get any of the supporting evidence required until the day before the next session and was missing a lot of the information the mediator had asked for.
- First legal mediation session seemed more about getting me out of the family home than the actual divorce (I refused on the basis that it's my home, I pay for it as she earns very little (despite being degree educated and very capable), I play an active role in the childrens lives, the kids want me there, I look after the kids most evenings and weekends whilst she goes out)

Emotionally she blames me for everything wrong in her life and wants out, practically she knows she has it good and seems scared about the future but has taken no practical steps to work out what that reality looks like. She has created a reality where I have intentionally and cruelly hurt her feelings over an extended period of time, I have forced her to make decisions that she would not have made and I have constantly pushed my own selfish agenda which was contrary to her long term goals.

I am not perfect, this I know, however I have spent 20 years trying to do the best for my wife, my kids and to a much lesser extent myself. I work hard, I work hard on the home and I am extremely attentive to my wife's never ending list of needs. I have said NO to some things and I have expressed my opinions (maybe too much) but I have also been an emotional caretaker trying to keep the balance and stress out of her life where possible. I do not want a divorce at all and I do not think it will be beneficial both practically, financially or emotionally for ANYONE in our family. However, she doesn't want to listen and she doesn't want to talk, she believes she knows the reality that she's lived in for the last 20 years and there's nothing I can do to change that.

My only hope is that she's buying herself time, she's allowed us to push back the sale of our home to the new year on the basis that Nov is not a great time to sell a house and Jan/Feb might be better. I strangely take hope from her continuing to talk as if there is a future in indirect ways such as:

":)9, if we buy you a new bike you have to promise you'll come on long bike rides with me on the weekends"... .well how are you going to do that when it's just you as a single mum? What happens to D7 and D4?
"Cutting that hedge back can wait till next year"
She planning lots of church courses which are in the evenings which go on for 6m, who's she going to get to look after the kids?

My T is skeptical she will push the family fun bus over the cliff but I don't know. She has friends and family support and created a circle of people who cheerlead her along. It's very sereal though as most of these people including her family are still very very friendly with me and not sure many of them can quite make sense of it. The OM is a huge problem as he's very very manipulative. Reading his mails is like reading something from a cult brainwashing exercise... .and I am not sure uBPDw has been honest with friends and family about his "advice" and their "connection".