Is she BPD? I'm still totally destroyed

[Justbecause]

Her ex was arrested for threatening her, but then she begged him back and got a police warning for false claims. Her ex husband got arrested for growing some weed in the loft. I think she did this. But that was before me.

She was talking about marriage in two days, and talking to me like ___ if I indirectly mentioned previously relationships twice in the first week. I stopped this, I said it wasn't what I wanted in a relationship. A week later and now she has intense pain in her ovaries caused by a beating from a mysterious guy from her childhood. She doesn't want to explain.

Then two years of anxiety and stress, constantly accusing me of cheating and not loving her. "I love you more than you do me!". Sex stopped, it wasn't there for me with all the neediness and anxiety and her being crippled with pain. But I loved her so so much.

She would split with me chuck me out all the time. I went back every time even though I was not happy. Eventually I said I can't do this anymore, that we needed to take a break and work out how to move forward.

She replaced me in a week's, but when I found out I got very hurt and angry, all that blame and stress when I meant so little? That was wrong though, I should not have been angry at her, was just so upset and confused. I found out at work,we both worked with kids for local government.

Next day I'm suspended, her manager has claimed I'm abusing and harassing her. She says she had nothing to do with it and in our time apart she has been diagnosed with PTSD. She comes back to me, it lasts a few weeks and she leaves me saying she has to deal with her PTSD therapy, she went back to him. Two weeks later she is back again, except this time and u known to me she is now engaged.

We last about a month, its perfect. The sex is amazing, the love is so overwhelming. I felt like we finally had understanding. Then once I've dropped the complaint against her manager for the accusation, she is gone again.

Now she says I'm controlling, that I am threatening her when I say she is handling this really badly. She says I'm stronger without her. After a few months of me begging her to tell me what was happening and her repeatedly denying she was with him again, I ask him. Once that happens she tells me she wants no more contact ever.

I feel so guilty, so broken. I've never been so hurt. This behaviour is not normal, but I feel I did it to her because I found her anxiety was not something I could help, and would destroy us. She has two kids they are struggling, I cannot commit to that situation quickly with marriage.

Was PTSD a lie? We went to the house she was abused in and burnt his photos - she was engaged to someone else! Was she already seeing him before I left, did she push me away? Did she really claim I was harassing her? So !may questions and no closure,no apology, no explanation. Just "I'm so happy now" posts on social media.

She got married last week. That's nailed it for me, I'd messaged like ten times, please speak to me, I'm sorry, I hate you, I love you, you have hurt me so much blah blah blah. O had a total breakdown. I need closure and her marriage has done that, but what the ___ happened?

And what kind of guy marries someone in under a year who he knows was cheating on him with her ex boyfriend?

All I do is blame myself, I had councellor because I thought I'd caused this and might have NPD characteristics, but I don't as it turns out. I was just stressed form a ___ job and her anxiety I think. Miss her so much, yet she has treated me so badly?

Never felt anything like this, it's trauma and I don't know is show to stop it.

[Mutt]

Hi Justbecause,

She replaced me in a week's, but when I found out I got very hurt and angry, all that blame and stress when I meant so little? That was wrong though, I should not have been angry at her, was just so upset and confused.

You have a right to feel the way that you do. We talk a lot about indifference and depersonalization when it comes to BPD behaviours. I whole heartedly agree because it helps a lot with healing, moving on and cope with your expwBPD if you’re coparenting for example.

That being said, you can see feel the way that you about your pwBPD behaviours towards you, I’m going to guess that it wasn’t just one incident but many incidents that built up over time and you started feeling resentment towards her.

I feel so guilty, so broken. I've never been so hurt. This behaviour is not normal, but I feel I did it to her because I found her anxiety was not something I could help, and would destroy us.

You’re right that the behaviour is not normal, don’t carry this all on your back. You made a good call with complained about her boss. Her boss made assumptions without talking to you, there are two sides to every story. Granted that it’s a serious complaint, management or HR  should have investigated it.

You’re right that you’re not responsible for her anxiety. I have anxiety, it’s always there, it can be severe and can be mild, you help yourself with managing your anxiety. Obviously she’s not in a place where she wants to get help for herself, you did the right thing because things are going to stay the same or get worse. Nothing changes without change.

And what kind of guy marries someone in under a year who he knows was cheating on him with her ex boyfriend?

You’re feeling traumatized right now, can you imagine divorcing your ex at the same time? It’s hell you can check out the stories on law https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0 it wasn’t a wise choice to marry her so quickly without knowing her. If she’s not in treatment it’s going to be push / pull behaviour she’ll throw him out too the difference is it’s going to be an ugly divorce.

Miss her so much, yet she has treated me so badly?

Never felt anything like this, it's trauma and I don't know is show to stop it.

You cared about her, you loved her, she was special to you. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. You’re not alone with your thoughts many here can relate with them. You’re getting help from a counsellor and it helps to share your pain with us by talking about it. It’s going to take time.

[CloseToFreedom]

I have to agree with Mutt. After the various break ups, discards and being painted black, I often felt the same as you: guilty and ashamed that I got mad and said horrible things. Thing is, someone (especially someone you love so deeply) can only push you that far each time before it has to come out in some way. Its just so unhealthy. You can't keep it all inside you, not all the time.

Try to forgive yourself for how you acted around her. It was the situation, not you. If you would've contained yourself it wouldn't have ended any different, believe that. I've been recycled a lot and learned that it doesn't matter if I do or don't defend myself.