Her new Relationship...

[Subaru02]

Hi Guys,

3 year relationship with a super needy and clingy girl I had never experienced this before so I didn't know she was exhausting me emotionally in hindsight. I became more and more distant towards the end of the relationship and she replaced me with another guy right away before ending it. I was in huge pain I couldn'T believe that after all the needyness, jealousy and temper tantrums I was now being replaced when she was so afraid I'd abandon her. She devaluated me and I was now "nothing" compared to the new guy.

She came back after 2 months crying and basically saying she was dumb for not realizing how good she had it and how our relationship was true and not based on romantic fantasies that she was too immature to see coming. We dated for another year it was never perfect and it always felt like we couldn't really put our past mistakes behind, specially being replaced and devaluated I wasn't really comfortable with allowing myself to basically ignore that and she could feel it. She wanted us to officialize after 3-4 months and I wasn't capable of giving her that commitment but we continued to see each other. After a couple arguments she declared she was done and that she wanted to move on. I was a bit shocked but at that point I was in agreement, she was shocked that I agreed it made the whole process kind of confusing so I was sitting wondering ok is she gone for real this time or is this bull___ again. During this confusing text-based Breakup she seemed in a lot of pain by her choice of words and that it was going to be "Hard to move on but it was the right thing to do"... so I went NC and let it be.

Wait about a week she pops up again and messages me it felt like a breadcrumb where she "missed" me but was still holding ground on her decision to move on. So I ignored it. A week later she's seeing someone else. So 2 weeks after BU, a new guy is in the picture again and she's seeing him. It hurt me and I was in a lot of pain to be replaced this quickly again. I confronted her about it a week later when I heard she was sleeping with him, she was mean, cold devaluating again and I was the biggest piece of crap on earth. I let that get to me for a long time. Apparently her life was so much better without me ever since she met him (Sure), it sucked to hear that from her when she was so "infatuated" by me.

Anyways, fastforward the past months, I'm at 75 days NC, 3 months post BU, and I still think about her often, she's on my mind a lot more than I want to admit. I had the bad habit of stalking her FB profile once in a while just I donno to keep a certain reality check it reminded me she was gone but also reminded me I wasn't as attracted to her as the months went by when looking at her old pictures.

So today lurking on her profile you can see she is now officially in a relationship with this new guy since last night. It was like  a stab to my old wound but it was a mixed brain fog of "I already knew this, whats the difference now that she's publicly announcing it?"

Part of me is still in disbelief of how she fell in love with a new guy so quickly... .in our total of 4 yrs we never posted that kind of superficial stuff on our social media, but she does this with him. She posts vacation pictures and FB statuses that we never did. I wonder if part of it is to prove to me that she can find someone else, or if she wants to show the world she's in love I don't know. 3 month old relationships are still young, things change I guess, part of me just finds it hard to deal with someone like this who can just switch back and forth with her feelings and quickly forget 4 years history based on immature reasons... .

I remind myself that I too will fall in love again, and that I might see this situation as a blessing in disguise even though right now it feels a little painful still... .

[Emotions]

I feel like I could have written your post, nearly word for word... .I feel like some days I am stuck in a dichotomy of thinking of my ex and missing the intensity/connection of the relationship, and at the exact same time realizing that I would be more stressed out if we were still together. My ex is officially engaged, but that does not secure a good relationship for her, it just puts her in a different category with my replacement. Would I want to be in his shoes? Well I love my ex deeply, but it is frightening to put myself in my replacement's shoes as well. Good luck bro, keep writing and getting it out of your system!

[Subaru02]

I find it complex to express how I feel, its almost like I don't understand why I was so attached to her now that I see her with someone else.

There was a toxic attachment for wrong reasons that were definitely mistakened for love at times. I realize she has a very distorted vision of what love should be and what it actually is. So what you just said is also very true, being in a very young relationship (2-3 months) nothing is certain, facebook statuses do not make any relationship stronger it shows cries out to the world that they are now officially together whether that makes her feel better about it or not I don't know in reality.

Truth be told I don't know if I can really say its a scary thing to be in his shoes, in my mind sometimes I Think I might have brought out the worse in her and vice versa. I remember when I first started dating her the early first months were fine too, I got into a relationship with her "Officially" in about 3 months as well, things started to go sour after about a year. It takes some time for problems or flaws to arise and become a problem. I am very intolerant to childish and immature behavior and she was very very good at that. If this new guy tolerates or doesn't even care about it fine, I mean everyone looks for a better match in life right.

In the end, I just wish her happiness and I'm just disappointed we have to be in such ___ty terms... .

[Mutt]

Hi Subaru02,



I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling, these r/s break-ups are tough. I think it was the single most difficult experience that I went through, I wouldn’t want to wish it on my worst enemy.

I guess, part of me just finds it hard to deal with someone like this who can just switch back and forth with her feelings and quickly forget 4 years history based on immature reasons... .

He’s going to find it hard to deal with her to, and the next guy etc... .Swapping someone for someone else doesn’t fix your problems. Intimacy triggers the disorder and when he finds himself there gradually she’ll split him black.

Just a word of advice, you’re self protecting which is good, I’d tweak that further and maybe deactivate your social media accounts until you don’t feel like checking your exes profile. You are right you can move past this, you can find someone that will treat you with respect and love you for, not for what you can do for them.

When you someone new that brings you happiness you don’t want to find yourself still attached to your ex? It’s a turn off for women and vice versa. Keep detaching, just consider what I said to make it easier for yourself in the long run.