I was really open and honest about my feelings...

[Steeplechase]

I was really open and honest about my feelings here and have not been with her.  

So she learned a lot about my true feelings about her.  I said some bold stuff, mostly in times of extreme emotional turmoil myself.  It felt good to be open and honest here.  

I don't like that she now knows I am not attracted to her sometimes and that I classify her as BPD and treat her accordingly.  Although she's been diagnosed, one therapist told her it's PTSD not BPD.  So, she decided to believe this.  Honestly, this made me doubt myself and for confiding with people online about her behavior.  What if she doesn't have the personality disorder?  What if I am putting this label on her to excuse myself for neglecting her and not meeting her needs?  Was she manipulating me to keep me off balance?  I was so confused.  

Then after learning my thoughts and fighting for a few days, she went back on meds.   She said she couldn't handle everything in her life right now and needed help.  Seriously, within 2 days she was apologizing and her behavior changed radically.  She's been a little insecure and needy but other than that, no arguments, no sudden rage, no long text messages about how much she doesn't like me or her life with me.  

It's only been like 6 days since she started on them so I'm not celebrating yet.  I'm cautiously optimistic but also deeply skeptical that this relationship is still something that I want.  

So, I'm giving myself a break.  I'm going to do my best to help her feel safe, secure, and validated.  If we can go a few months without a meltdown/breakup then I will probably be more receptive to continuing this marriage.  

Also, I don't trust my own thoughts 100%  I have bipolar and it's not treated currently, thanks to having no health insurance so I've been cycling between depression and anxiety/mania several times a day.  It's hard enough just holding a job and caring for my son.  This marriage is a HUGE effort just to maintain on a basic level.  I don't have the space for it.  I'm in crisis mode and have focus more on me.

Luckily, I am going to a doctor this week.  Hopefully, I can have some sanity back by the time Christmas comes.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

What if she doesn't have the personality disorder?  What if I am putting this label on her to excuse myself for neglecting her and not meeting her needs?  Was she manipulating me to keep me off balance?  I was so confused.  

Her exact diagnosis isn't the issue; rather it's that you're seeing traits that sure as heck seem like BPD. I think probably most of us here have partners who are undiagnosed, but we certainly can see patterns in their behavior.

One of the consequences of living with someone with a personality disorder is that it throws us off balance. I kept trying to make sense of my husband's behavior at times, because as a high-functioning pwBPD (undiagnosed except by me--well, our therapist did tell me she thought he has a personality disorder, but she leans more toward NPD)--most of the time he is thoughtful and rational, except when he isn't. And you know how those times are like walking into a "funhouse" crazy land at the county fair, except there's nothing fun about it.

Just by asking those questions of yourself, you show yourself to be caring, self-examining, thoughtful--a perfect set up for being codependent and/or a caretaker. Yep, me too, but now I'm learning how to be "healthy selfish" and take care of my own needs, instead of expecting the relationship to do that for me. It's a journey... .

Interesting that she's on better behavior and is accepting help and on her meds. Good that you're cautiously optimistic. PwBPD can be very good at "turning over a new leaf" for a time, and then reverting to their previous attitudes, as you're undoubtedly aware. However, since personality disorders don't seem to be very treatable through meds, it's possible that she also has PTSD and treating that is helping her manage.

It sounds like your focus needs to be primarily upon you and your son and it's good that she's doing better, but the longterm picture for this relationship is something you're still contemplating. I think that's a worthy attitude and you can carefully watch her behavior over time and then decide what you want to do with your future.

[Enabler]

Are you now using the board to communicate your feelings to her now?

Is this hammer blow that allows a more open and honest dialogue with your wife now, or will this become a bit of a game where you communicate things on the board rather than say things to her directly?

Great she is able to see what you are experiencing, your concerns and your deep emotions... .and seeing this has impacted her to action. It remains to be seen whether this is a fear of abandonment or a deep empathy for how much she has hurt you.

[SamwizeGamgee]

If this ends up working to your benefit, and your partner finds help / medical support to make life peaceful and tolerable for you, perhaps this is a good thing.  

I might caution that most repairs to BPD personality are temporary [in my opinion only].  I have experience only temporary relief as my uBPDw acts normally for a bit, then, almost like an addiction, she slides back into the projection, blame, splitting, dredging-up her version of the past, which fuels her hurt and anger.  It's called an abuse cycle for a reason.  Often if a cure works, I think they still miss the conflict and chaos which is part of their core personality.  

[SamwizeGamgee]

As an afterthought, I have learned to be very, very guarded with openness.  It might seem natural, good, and intimate now, but in my experience there is little I have shared that has not been later (even years later) twisted, re-invented, manipulated and used against me in another unforeseen way.  
Right now sharing your BPDfamly.com posts might feel intimate and sharing and seem like it works for the better.  For now.  However, don't rely on that result.

If it were me, I would be sure that it would later be twisted and used against me.  Or constantly re-hashed.

I hope your results are different.

[Steeplechase]

Are you now using the board to communicate your feelings to her now?

I was wondering this myself.  I can't really say.  I definitely don't plan doing that.  I'm a very private person.  Her reading my posts here, to me, is no different than reading my journal.  I feel violated and angry that my privacy was breached but her reaction also made me feel a lot of guilt and shame for the things I said about her.  I found myself trying to explain to her I wrote those things while really upset with her to make her feel better.  

[barnowl]

This strikes close to an issue I've been struggling with as well. The current crisis with my (uBPD) wife was triggered by her snooping my phone and text messages and so on. As the episode worsened, this behavior got even worse. I've taken some steps to prevent it, of course, but the fundamental issue is that we all must be able to have some sort of private life, that is truly private, where we can do things with friends without being questioned about every detail, or post online for help improving our marriage without being scrutinized. That's all you were doing; that she has a problem with how you phrased it or whatever is her problem and not yours. Trying to save her from distress by disavowing what you said or ensuring she doesn't see it, doesn't get you anywhere. The problem is she went looking for it, and couldn't handle what she discovered. You sharing your genuine feelings about an issue *in an attempt to help with your marriage* on this board does not represent a problem. It's you trying to improve things.

That said, apparently with BPD you can't logically argue the point that way, you just have to say "I understand why you feel that way" and back away slowly. Something like that. I'm new to this myself and it's all still very counterintuitive.

You just wrote, "I found myself trying to explain to her I wrote those things while really upset with her to make her feel better." This violates a couple of principles I've seen repeatedly here. One is, you tried to explain. You can't explain to BPD sufferers, apparently. They aren't receptive to that. And, you "rescued" her from feeling bad. I know, I know, I struggle with this one mightily. You desperately want them to feel better, so you reassure, reassure, reassure. But all you're doing is saving them from rescuing themselves from the negative feelings. It's like helping a kid solve a math problem versus doing the problem for the. Doing things to make them feel better is a no-no, apparently. They're supposed to feel bad. Remember, what she did and how she felt about it was HER problem. You were just trying to get help with your relationship and honestly sharing!