Self destructing

[njand]

Help me, I am lost. I was completely swept up in love and then I was locked out, despised. Nine months trying to make real the glorious promising future and repeatedly coming up against an emotional void that I didn't understand I couldn't overcome. I kept explaining and explaining and attempting to correct and connect and get my needs met like I met his. I was joyfully committed to meeting his needs, I loved having someone. I couldn't understand that he wasn't interested in pleasing me at all, so I just kept trying harder to explain what my needs were and why they were important, never did get my needs met on any level.  How did I stay in for so very little? How did I accept poor sex, broken dates, dismissive and cruel behavior? I did this to myself, I didn't see the red flags, I didn't want to see them, I wanted the dream the love the belonging and I am feeling so shamed and worthless.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey njand, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling lost.  What makes you think that your Ex suffers from BPD?  Fill us in, when you can.  Most of us are quite familiar with the dynamic of trying to meet the needs of someone w/BPD when on some fundamental level that person doesn't want to be helped.  Don't beat yourself up!  We've all (or nearly all of us) missed the red flags.   

LuckyJim

[Harley Quinn]

Hi njand,

I see that you posted initially around 7 years ago.  Are we talking about the same man?  Please when you're able, give us a little background about the r/s.  When was the breakup and who's decision was it?  It's awful to feel lost, shamed and worthless as you describe.  These are powerful and scary feelings.  Do they stem from the r/s as a whole, or from some incident that brought you here? 

I'm so glad that dealing with these feelings you have decided to reach out for support.  Picking ourselves up after any broken r/s can be difficult, and if your ex had BPD then there is a very intense bond fuelled by drama, fantasy, idealisation and devaluation which makes detaching much harder.  I too felt lost after the r/s ended for me, and I was the one who ended it.  There is no easy way out of a r/s like that.  What I can tell you is it gets better, and also that you are far from worthless.  You are clearly worth far more than the treatment you describe.  As is everyone.

Do you have supportive friends/family/therapist whom you are also speaking to?

Love and light x 

[njand]

My T thinks he is NPD but this site helped me years ago with my last r/s and I think the patterns are very much like those described here.
I thought I was so savvy after all I was involved in a BPD situation 7 years ago. I learned from ths site and worked on myself with therapy and kept to myself and friends and family for so long. I wasn't interested in anyone so it was easy, then I met him and was hooked. I thought that to was it, the reward for all my sacrifice, he is the one I was waiting for. So happy, so compatible, so hilarious, I have never laughed harder. Then the broken plans and intermittent interest and small cruelties started to take thier toll. I could have saved myself so much pain and humiliation, and I knew it. I knew he wasn't "right" nor was he right for me but I kept in there, talking and talking and talking, throwing myself up against that wall, trying so hard to connect, never did get there and the worst part is I STILL WANT TOO! I've been NC for three weeks, I'm not tempted to reach out to him, but in my heart I want him and miss him and he's poison. I want poison? I want pain? I can't do better for myself then misery? I know this will pass but it seems my very soul is no longer my own.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi njand,

How are things going for you right now?  Send us an update when you can.  What you're going through is really tough and we are listening when you need to offload.  In the meantime, have you managed to take a look at the articles and lessons to the right side of the board?  These are a great starting place and may contain information that wasn't previously there when you were on the site before.

Love and light x

[truthbeknown]

My T thinks he is NPD but this site helped me years ago with my last r/s and I think the patterns are very much like those described here.
I thought I was so savvy after all I was involved in a BPD situation 7 years ago. I learned from ths site and worked on myself with therapy and kept to myself and friends and family for so long. I wasn't interested in anyone so it was easy, then I met him and was hooked. I thought that to was it, the reward for all my sacrifice, he is the one I was waiting for. So happy, so compatible, so hilarious, I have never laughed harder. Then the broken plans and intermittent interest and small cruelties started to take thier toll. I could have saved myself so much pain and humiliation, and I knew it. I knew he wasn't "right" nor was he right for me but I kept in there, talking and talking and talking, throwing myself up against that wall, trying so hard to connect, never did get there and the worst part is I STILL WANT TOO! I've been NC for three weeks, I'm not tempted to reach out to him, but in my heart I want him and miss him and he's poison. I want poison? I want pain? I can't do better for myself then misery? I know this will pass but it seems my very soul is no longer my own.

Njand:

Mine was more NPD too.  The difference from what i have seen is that they don't call you or come after you aggressively like BPD types - although the push/pull while in the relationship seemed much like BPD.
I am sure there are probably some crossover traits etc. 

I wanted to answer your question from my perspective ("i want poison"?).   A therapist that i spoke with who specializes in personality disorders (wouldn't take on single clients but left me with this analogy) said that when dealing with a personality disordered person- its like being in an experiment where you are first classically conditioned to get the reward if you do something (in this case be with them) and then you come to expect that reward because it feels good.  Then they incrementally start taking the reward away or varying the degree to which they give it.  We (the lab animals in this case) come to expect the reward and when its' not given get anxiety about not having it, wondering when it's going to come etc. because we have no way of getting that reward on our own. (in this case the reward is the other person).  Then after the breakup it's like - not only are you not getting the reward but you have to sit and stare through the glass cage and watch the rat next door get the reward (our ex's). 

So his point was that they make themselves into objects of reward by objectifying themselves and use that to gain power or punish or just simply change who they want to have the reward.   In the case of the narcissists it's a sadistic power play.  In the case of the borderline, I'm hypothesizing but I believe it is they let you out of the cage and then they feel bad that they did so they chase you down to get you (watch taxi scene from breakfast at Tiffany's for an example where she lets her cat go). 

So do you want the poison? NO - you want what you thought was the reward.  But the reward decided to take itself away and we were so used to having it we could never imagine that they would stop feeding us.  In some ways by objectifying themselves they make us the lab rat who needs them.  We might start out their source but they project that onto us so that we think THEY are ours as well. Subconscious by design perhaps but what a clever conditioning trick.

Right now i'm still the lab animal/rat wondering where my reward (which seemed like a life supply or lifeline went).   Don't the drug dealers do this to their victims? get them hooked with freebies and then once they are addicts they will pay anything.

I'm aware of this projection that i'm taking on but it is still hard.  So i've been practicing pretending that i hypothetically got back into the relationship (ie got the reward (them calling or caring about us) and then imagine how things would go when the incompatibilities or other problems hit.  I made a list of my perfect partner and their attributes and she only had 3 on a list of 20.   Guess what the top three were? physical relationship with her, what she said to me to make me feel good in the beginning, and the religion we had in common and the socialization skills she had.   She failed to meet the other 17 attributes including mutual respect, dependability, maturity, health consciousness, empathy, introspection, integrity, trust etc etc... .

So what happened? why do we want the poison as you say?  because the poison was really a drug that we didn't know we were taking.  Somebody drugged our drink and mugged us.  They stole our love and left us fallen by the wayside.  We were love -mugged.  You want your love back i suspect because someone stole something precious of yours!  I want it back as well and i imagine most of the members on here don't like to be robbed and want their love back too.  Problem is the person who robbed us pretended to be our friend/lover etc and then slipped us the mickey.   

I'm sorry for your loss.  I want to say that i honor the love you had for this person and I'm tying hard myself to realize that I'm the Love Tree (my analogy) and it (love can regrow).  Have you seen Guardians of the Galaxy 2?   Groot has only a little branch left at the end of the first movie but by the second movie there is "little Groot".   

You are Groot!

love, love , love 

[njand]

Thank you, Lucky Jim & Harley Quinn & TruthBeKnown.

Today marks one month of NC after an ugly scene, the last one, I have promised myself that. There is no excuse for his behavior, he set me up for a frantic evening with himself as the audience, unaffected and calmly observing this lab rat lose its tiny little mind. I can never excuse him and maintain any self respect or dignity. I was holding out a small hope for an evil twin who had trapped my sweet love and was holding him prisoner but alas. There is no choice, only my soul's death and madness.

I have been reading about NPD and I find him on every page. I find myself as well when they speak of how vulnerable empaths are for these types, I have much work to do on my self. But I didnt deserve this. I just wanted a boyfriend, someone to share my life. Its not so bad, there are some small benefits for the job!

Truthbeknown, your comments about them being at once the drug and the dealer ring true, I once said to him that he was my favorite thing and he was keeping my favorite thing away from me... .I thought I was his drug too, I thought he loved me, I wanted his love and company and I was so sure that he enjoyed me at the same level and now I have to deal with the fact that he didnt, he doesnt, hes not a real person there are no real emotions there. Such loss, such misery... .
He called my work a couple times this week, I didnt take the calls and I wont but the relief is impossible not to acknowledge. At least he cares... about the supply I give him to check if there is any more supply to be had from me... .yikes

[truthbeknown]

Njand,

I work with this guy (this week) and he told me some story about this girl moving in with him.  I said, "oh your girlfriend?"  and he said, "no she's just some girl i met here through work and we sleep together but i don't see her as a long term thing.  It's just more for helping to pay the bills."  I said, "does she know? that you don't want a committed relationship with her?"  He said, "oh year i have told her but she still wants to move in with me and sleep with me."    I said, "but it sounds like she wants you and is probably doing that bc she has hope that being intimate will bond the two of you."  He said, "no chance, if it gets to much for her she'll just have to sleep in the other room."   

I went on to tell him that my exgf did that to me and it didn't feel good.  She first told me that she loved me and then did that.  He said, "well i made it clear from the beginning... .blah blah blah."

So my assessment was: 
1. maybe he did but i bet he is lying .  I could just feel his narcissism and lack of empathy but still trying to keep from getting judged by anyone (i guess in this case me). 
2.  I could imagine this is how my ex sees it.  That she never really wanted me long term but "poor sucker- he's willing to sleep with me until he gets tired of all the ___ i give him."

This USER type personality really makes me mad.  I told him that if he didn't love he there was a risk that he would be hurting her and that is just not cool if that is the case.  He swore she knew this is how he felt.

Anyway, it was interesting to hear it outside myself how dark and narcissistic people can be.  I guess i can see that now in my ex.