My wife had maniacal rages with physical violence in front of the kids

[lark265]

Well I, uh... .I am in the midst of a marriage breakup with my Borderline PD wife of 10 years and two great kids (ages 8 and 10).  My soul knows that not getting back together is probably the Best thing, but my head and heart just want it "to be the way it was."  My therapist thinks I have a faulty memory - can't remember the bad times.  The thing is, I have had some breakups in my life, but in this one I feel extremely isolated.  For some reason I am not able to reach out to my Mom and sister like I would normally.  I think that during my relationship with my wife I pushed them away.  Said negative and hurtful things to them.  Isolated.  So, I kind of get to be with my lessorts of two evils.  If I moved back with her and t;hem, I would once again be able to spend all those magic moments I have missed with my children.  When they have bad dream or just want to talk sometimes.  This kills me - not having that.  But deep down I think it's best for them.  My wife had maniacal rages - with physical violence (against furniture mainly) and profanity - right in front of our (then) toddlers.  Not excusable.  But without remorse on her part.  No apologies.  No shame, apparently.  As for me, I have always felt trapped in my romantic relationships so I have to admit that I used her regain as a kind of excuse for me to leave.  So I left.  This is all too hard... .she and I have tried marriage counseling (five times) but doesn't work.  My only light that gets me out of bed in the morning is my kids - the "somehow belief" tht it is best their Mom and I are apart... .when I am with them now I just try to give them what I can... .whatever that means... .thanks for being here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

I think that during my relationship with my wife I pushed them away.  Said negative and hurtful things to them.

a strong support system is really critical. you can remedy this.

This is all too hard... .she and I have tried marriage counseling (five times) but doesn't work.

couples counseling works best when both participants want to solve problems rather than fix one another. if your wife is not interested in seeing her role in the conflict, i can see where this would make it worse.

youve been together a long time and there has been a lot invested. can you tell us more about the main sources of conflict in your marriage? what are the rages typically over?

[barnowl]

As someone else in the midst of similar chaos, I don't have much to add beyond good vibes... .I'm in much the same boat but 20 years of marriage and the kids are 12 and 14, and we haven't (yet?) separated. once_removed's comments about counseling only working when you're not trying to fix each other and your wife not wanting to see her role in the conflict ring extremely true to me. We went to a therapist who tried to "fix" us and that was very damaging (my opinion, my wife disagrees). When we tried a different one, he saw immediately that she was unwilling to consider that she had any role in creating or fixing the problem and declined to continue seeing us. He sent me to an individual therapist who seems pretty hell-bent on making me understand how damaging it is to me staying with her. But like you, my head and heart want us all to be together - the thought of separating and all that will mean for everyone is too much to bear. That said, forcing your kids to endure constant conflict at home isn't in their best interest either, even if you feel the conflict is more the fault of your wife's BPD than anything you've done. But then I struggle with this too: suppose I can change the way I relate to my wife and her BPD, and as a result model to my kids how to handle it? Wouldn't that be good? Chances are they will be dealing with her BPD for the rest of their lives. Someone should equip them with the skills they need.

Good luck!

[lark265]

"But then I struggle with this too: suppose I can change the way I relate to my wife and her BPD, and as a result model to my kids how to handle it? Wouldn't that be good? Chances are they will be dealing with her BPD for the rest of their lives. Someone should equip them with the skills they need."


thanks for your reply... .the argument I have against staying and showing the kids how to deal with BPD is mainly that she only rages at me.  I guess I am the one who brings up those deepest emotions in her... .thus when I am not there, there can be (relative) peace in the valley.  And the incredible labor it would take for me to be able to "change the way I relate to my wife and her BPD" just aint worth it.

[once removed]

And the incredible labor it would take for me to be able to "change the way I relate to my wife and her BPD" just aint worth it.

i think that whatever the outcome, theres a whole lot in it for you.

for starters, it cleans up your side of the street. its easier to see who owns what.

the reality is that you have children together. you are going to at least have a coparenting relationship of some form, for several years. the tools here will make this far easier to navigate, and place far less frustration and stress on you.

i can tell you that while im no longer in a relationship with my ex, the skills and tools i learned here have improved my life and relationships of all kinds in innumerable ways, and made me a better partner, and a stronger and more resilient person.

none of it is a guarantee to save your marriage, but theres a whole lot in it for you.

[Meili]

I completely agree with once removed about how the skills will benefit you in all facets of your life and your coparenting relationship.

Is there any chance that without you around, she will turn her emotions on the children?

[Radcliff]

Let me echo what once removed and Meili have said.  I think for any new arrival here who may be contemplating changes, it's best to spend a few months learning the skills and practicing them to see how far you can get before making any relationship status decisions.  Having been in a decades long relationship with a pwBPD, and kids, now facing a rocky time because I'm pushing for change, I know I'm going to be forever glad that I've pushed myself to the best place that I could with the tools before I took action.  Whether it means you decide to stick with your relationship, or that you are a more effective coparent, having better skills is a clear win either way.  Right now, my wife and I are coparenting in different households, only communicating by text messages.  The validation and boundary setting skills taught here have been super helpful even in that context -- they are helping to keep the drama down and get the kids what they need, while minimizing the wear and tear on me.

WW