Disappearing act and trying to recover

[PeacefulCareBear]

I met him at Walmart in 2008 and we were together for a very long time on and off. He had a lot of anger problems, emotional breakdown's, depression spells, times where he was distant. Anytime he disappeared on me and dated someone else, it was because we got into arguments and he ended up hating me and turning against me. Even if we made up and talked things over, he always ended up disappearing on me for awhile before he came back to me. Many times he has felt bad anytime he broke up with me and came back and the same thing happened again and again like a repeated cycle. We started out good and overtime things started to get bad again. During our time apart once, he was with someone else and I was dating other people trying to move on but he was on my mind constantly because I still loved him. His other girlfriend ended up cheating on him and hurting him, which lead to him drinking and his depression grew worse. Sometimes I had to calm him down when he was driving because it seemed as if every little made him mad and I have no idea why. Driving caused him to have anxiety and not sure if this is related to his disorder or not.

When we reunited again, we started to work on our relationship again and he kept pushing me away as usual and I believe he feared when I got too close to him. Especially when I had sex with him, he'd push me away little by little to the point where he was unreachable. He told me how much he loved me, how I understood him and that he feels like a horrible person inside. Anytime he needed to talk to me; he'd call me up, talk to me and tell me what was bothering him or what was upsetting him at the time. He feared that I was cheating on him or abandoning him. I've been reading articles and books on his disorder and still trying to figure out a few things.

When he disappeared on me once again, we got into a major fight and the same thing happened the last time he disappeared on me. Is it common for BPD's to disappear to punish you? It seems as he uses this as a weapon anytime he wants to get even with people or when nobody will tolerate his sort of behavior. Many people has stopped talking to him due to his attitude and how he talks to people, but yet he hates how he's angry inside and wants to be a good person. Reading the bible seems to help him anytime he's angry and he often reads it outloud when I'm in the room with him. This entire time I was very supportive of him and now I feel kinda broken and sad because I truly loved him but this last time he disappeared on me, I doubt I could go back to him because I feel so drained inside.

I've been working on myself a little bit because I completely forgot about my own health due to being in a relationship with him. It didn't seem like anything was ever good enough for him because he was always trying to test me and see how I'd react to certain things due to his fears. He fears a lot of people are out to get him and I kept asking him, "Who's out to get to you? Who wants to hurt you?" He never honestly told me who it was but he did tell me he gets paranoid very often. Especially when he thought I'd be cheating on him or wanted to leave him. I've stopped reaching out to him because I know he won't pick up his phone or read my Facebook messages. Once I've tried and he ended up telling me that I was causing him stress so I stopped.

In the end, he always ends up coming back once he realizes he pushed me away too far and tells me he has no idea why he does the things he does and can't honestly explain it himself. When I looked at his face, he looked conflicted and confused... .so I tried to communicate with him and remain patient no matter what because that's how much I loved him as a person. Anytime he was sad or thought I didn't love him, I told him that I did love him. Sorry for rambling on like this, I'm just heartbroken right now. There's nothing else that I can think of at this time. It's been 4 weeks since I've heard from him and I've been journaling a lot lately since he's disappeared on me once again. I hope someone out there can offer me some support cause it's really hard for people to understand.

[crushedagain]

It's all about him, just like any BPD person. When has it ever been about your needs? Never. There's a reason they're referred to as emotional vampires. They suck the life out of you. Do you think he's thinking about you when he's gone and you're hurting? Heck no, he's enjoying life and you are but a distant memory. Only when he "needs" you because everything else has fallen apart does he come running back for a boost. These people are the worst. I would completely block this guy and move on with your life if I were you, but the choice is yours. He's making you absolutely miserable.

[clytie]

Hello PeacefulCareB, I totally understand how  you feel. My pbd Ex ended our relationship last September. We had been together since 1996. I knew nothing about his illness and accepted the hot-cold pattern of our r/s as it was. When I look back, I clearly see that I wasn't peaceful at all. After our divorce, I found out that he had affairs (some emotional, some sexual) in those periods of cold. I was blind and I thought we really had a connection and he really loved me. But now my perspective has changed completely. I believe their understanding of love doesn't match with the real /healthy/ true love. They are like a child and see us as an object, not a subject. They only concentrate on their needs and feelings. They are not connected to REAL US. We are all unique and we are not objects. They only see what we give them and how they feel. The feeling is more important than us. Otherwise they would stay with us and respect our individuality. They would care for the person who loves them.
I am still addicted to my ex. I still love him and want him to be happy. I am on NC. My feelings and thoughts are on a roller-coaster. But I believe I shouldn't follow an illusion anymore. I don't want to be a source/ fixer/ object anymore. Time is all we need.

[truthbeknown]

PeacefulcareB:

I'm sorry you are going through this.  As part of my own healing i wanted to share.  You see i believe that I was the "benevolent" parent to my pBPDexgf.   When she would share her brokeness with me I was there to listen and if she wanted try to help her problem solve.  One time in the last week we were together she said,"I can tell you walk on eggshells with me."  She would then later go on to say, "i don't want to hurt you."  So when she finally pushed me away and then did hurt me, I thought she would understand what she did.  I think on some level there is like a split personality.  They call it borderline because it is not fully psychosis where one gets totally into the deranged personality.  So I equate it to the character "Gullum" in Lord of the rings movies.   He would argue with himself: "master is our friend" Reply from other part, "no he's not; he's out to get you don't you see that... ." 

I believe this is what my ex is doing.  She thinks that if someone fights back with her then it means they care for her.  After she decided not to contact me to see me before i left town, I went NC.  When i say NC, I just didn't reach out to her. She finally came around to contacting me in a very dysfunctional way in early Nov.  I decided not to respond (therapist discouraged).  Now she is telling everyone that she has sent me multiple texts and i haven't responded (not true) and making it look like I was the one who disappeared.

Why am telling you this? because i had the desire to want to try to remain friends and all it would have done was fulfill that benevolent parent role and I'd have to hear about all the guys she has been with etc and how they are treating her etc.  I just couldn't bear to play that role.  I want to star in a new play.  I want to read some new lines.  I want to write my own story and not play the role she wants me to anymore.  Still sad. Still angry at times.  Still in disbelief but all and all I know I must move on and try out for a new role with my eventual new co-star being someone who is as supportive as me.