Anxiety Due To Older Adult Sibling

[Depression = 72% of members]

Introducing myself... .I stumbled upon this site while looking for information for BPD. I am currently receiving therapy because of the great anxiety my older adult sibiling causes me. My therapist believes my undiagnosed sibling may have BPD with NP overlap. This sibiling has had great control of the entire family including me my entire life and felt I had to follow the rules this person demanded and any adherence that was not followed would result in such emotional abuse and rage, followed by character assassination. I walk on eggshells fearful of this wrath. This sibiling can be extremely charming and entertaining towards others who are not immediate family, and I feel this person is entertaining them to draw them in... .loves to be surrounded by friends, but treats me with disdain and indifference. I am viewed as inferior and I have been since birth, always trying to fit-in, but I never quite measured up... .I am a minion. This sibiling is always in charge, always right, makes negative assumptions about others and believes these thoughts and will ruin that person. So much drama involving others, did not talk to me for a year then waltzs back into my life as if nothing happened without explanation. Has hurt and dropped every member of my family, leaving them bewildered... .they tried to follow the rules. Embellishes most accomplishments or assistance to elderly family members... .I was the one who did all the work, but I know the rules, I cannot speak the truth or will be eviscerated. I recently told this sibling I can no longer tolerate the behaviors and we are having a stand-off. I am very guilty. I have been told I was groomed to feel guilt. I realize I need to be understanding of the pain this sibiling is experiencing but my own mental health is suffering as a result. I just want to be left alone, and then I think of this person, whom I do love but am not loved in return, and I feel horrible. I feel better emotionally when we have limited contact, when my phone rings or dings, I am anxious thinking Wow is it this person? I could go on-and-on about all the pain and hurt I have experienced over my lifetime which would take years to talk about and never mind the rest of the family. Thank you for listening to me and for having me.

[Sine8594]

Introducing myself... .I stumbled upon this site while looking for information for BPD. I am currently receiving therapy because of the great anxiety my older adult sibiling causes me. My therapist believes my undiagnosed sibling may have BPD with NP overlap. This sibiling has had great control of the entire family including me my entire life and felt I had to follow the rules this person demanded and any adherence that was not followed would result in such emotional abuse and rage, followed by character assassination. I walk on eggshells fearful of this wrath. This sibiling can be extremely charming and entertaining towards others who are not immediate family, and I feel this person is entertaining them to draw them in... .loves to be surrounded by friends, but treats me with disdain and indifference. I am viewed as inferior and I have been since birth, always trying to fit-in, but I never quite measured up... .I am a minion. This sibiling is always in charge, always right, makes negative assumptions about others and believes these thoughts and will ruin that person. So much drama involving others, did not talk to me for a year then waltzs back into my life as if nothing happened without explanation. Has hurt and dropped every member of my family, leaving them bewildered... .they tried to follow the rules. Embellishes most accomplishments or assistance to elderly family members... .I was the one who did all the work, but I know the rules, I cannot speak the truth or will be eviscerated. I recently told this sibling I can no longer tolerate the behaviors and we are having a stand-off. I am very guilty. I have been told I was groomed to feel guilt. I realize I need to be understanding of the pain this sibiling is experiencing but my own mental health is suffering as a result. I just want to be left alone, and then I think of this person, whom I do love but am not loved in return, and I feel horrible. I feel better emotionally when we have limited contact, when my phone rings or dings, I am anxious thinking Wow is it this person? I could go on-and-on about all the pain and hurt I have experienced over my lifetime which would take years to talk about and never mind the rest of the family. Thank you for listening to me and for having me.

[MomMae]

Hello Sine8594 and welcome,
You have accidently posted on the parent's board, and your post will likely be moved to a more appropriate board shortly by one of the moderators.  But I did want to say that I understand your great pain and I am sorry.  I too have an older adult sibling that has ruled our family (and continues to do so) and it has caused great pain in my life as well.  He is somehow my mother's favourite, and I have spent most of my life trying to gain her acceptance.  While I joined this forum to help me with my daughter, it has also helped me radically accept the situation in my birth family and stop trying to seek the acceptance or change that will never come.  It is very hard to explain to others who have not experienced a similar situation... .my brother and I have been no contact for over five years now.  I have tried to reconcile with him numerous times, suggested a mediator, contacted him during family emergencies, all to no avail.  For years, I felt shame because my mother always said and says, there are two sides to every story.  Very true... .but that does not mean the two sides are equally to blame.  Nor can one side alone reconcile when the other is determined not too.  Through radical acceptance, I have now stopped trying to convince my mother of my "goodness".  If she can't see it, and instead puts my narcistic brother on a pedestal, that is her problem, and a reflection on her, not me.  I need to control what I can -  my own reactions and stop wasting my life trying to win my mother"s approval (I am almost 50 years old for goodness sake).

Sorry for the ramble, Sine8594.  I am sure that you will get much support once relocated to the appropriate board.  I just want you to know that you have nothing to feel guilty about, but I do understand this guilt.  It is debilitating.  Please try to take care of yourself first, this is your first obligation.  You are a good person, and you are worthy.  

[Mutt]

Hi Sine8594,



I’d like to join MomMae and welcome you to the site. I completely understand how anxiety and a family member can cause it’s frustrating when they don’t validate or see your good side. MomMae has a good point we tend to wait for the person change and are met disappointment when they don’t change. Maybe you’re hoping that they’ll change for years radical acceptance is accepting the person in their condition as they are it’s letting go of that hope that causes anxiety and coming to terms with how things are today.

MomMae mentioned self protection it might something to think about if someone causes you distress, self protection gives us the time and space to recover and heal. You could controlled contact, no contact, you change your boundaries when you feel better or keep them as they are. Everyone’s needs are different.

Thoughts?

[rethomofBPD]

As the parent of 2 daughters, the older one with undiagnosed BPD, I completely understand what you are saying and have actually been struggling to figure out how to help my younger daughter who is now 22. We have realized for years that the effect of dealing with her (6year) older sister has been corrosive for her, but our younger daughter has refused to be in treatment. I think she is worried that she, too, may be the one with all the issues.
I feel very sad for you and am glad to hear that you are getting help for yourself. I hope you will come to feel confident about what "is" and "is not" you. The dynamics a BPD child creates within the family unit can be incredibly difficult for everyone and causes ongoing tension. As a parent, even if this is not the right board, I feel for you and hope you will get the support you need. I wish I could get my younger daughter to talk to someone like you.