New here..looking to gain understanding

[beautyfromashes]

Just an introduction. I had never heard of BPD until 4 weeks ago when a counselor asked me to read stop walking on eggshells because she was noticing BPD and DPD traits in my husband.   I've been married for 32 years. My faith kept me in this marriage, and a belief driven into me that I was flawed, broken and the cause of my husband's constant unhappiness.
I don't think im anywhere close to understanding all the ways this has effected me for so long... .my children too. 6 kids... the youngest 18.  
I had 1 conversation with my husband 3 weeks ago where i tried to begin sharing a little about how things had to change. It was a calm conversation at first, but I only said a few things before he took over and talked for 4 hours straight- the norm.  When I was too tired to keep going, we slept.  He was silent the next 48 hours.Then he texted me to say I broke him and he was moving out.  He moved out 5 days before Christmas. He has his own apartment now but texts me daily inviting me out for dinner, a movie, etc as if everything is good. As if I'm crazy or wrong to say no to his offers.   He plays both victim and good guy rescuer. He has enormous insecurities. He accuses me of having affairs and wanting to have affairs. He claims I've had physical affairs, emotional affairs and now even a spiritual affair with the pastor of our church.  He uses manipulation and mind games to control. He talks for hours at a time and no matter what I say, he redirects it, takes control and starts telling me what is true... his view... .over and over and over until i agree or even feel guilty for ever questioning him.   I don't know if he even gets how much he does it. Or if he can even stop. So much more.  I don't know if I have it in me to return to living together with him. I dont even know how to just go to dinner or a movie with him at the moment .  I feel very far from being ready to do any of this... not sure I'm up to the daily battles, setting and maintaining boundaries, and fights to keep my own head clear and unaffected by his games.  I honestly don't know.   Probably too much for an introduction.  Not sure why I'm posting except I need somehow a place I can go and be real about some of this and maybe gain some more understanding about what the chances are that things can really change.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi beautyfromashes,

I really like the name you chose. I'm sorry that you have had so much conflict in your relationship. I understand what it's like to stick around because of your faith.

It sounds like your husband may have struggled with shame and guilt after you laid out to him what you wanted to change in your marriage. That may be why he chose to leave. This sounds like a great opportunity for you to begin working on yourself, rebuilding your self worth, learning new and healthy ways of reacting to your H, setting appropriate boundaries etc.

A separation with the intent of reconciliation has often been shown to help heal many of the difficulties in a marriage because both partners get the space they need to determine what is and what is not important.

Does a decision about divorce have to be made right away or can you both live separately and work on things at the same time?

I believe there is always hope in a BPD relationship. My H and I have gone from constant accusation like you described, weekly rages, and general negativity to rare accusations (and if he does, he immediately apologizes), no rages for 3 months, and we are in a relatively great place (the best it's ever been in 13 years of marriage).It takes a lot of hard work though. My focus had to change from trying to change his behavior to looking at my own behavior and changing myself. From there I found the skills to validate my H's insecurity, address problems appropriately and in a way that he can understand, and to learn what my values you so I can set boundaries around those values.

We have some great lessons and workshops available that can help.To get you started, our lessons on Understanding Your Role in the Relationship and Stop Accusation & Blaming might help.

[pearlsw]

Hi beautyfromashes,

I just want to chime in and let you know that there are many of here and we are listening! I too have stayed on past a point many would have left because of my beliefs and principles about relationships, though I have to admit this has been one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced in life - it has shaken me to my core. It has really confronted my ability to hold onto reality and I have managed to hold on despite a real onslaught against me at times - and this with no support system.

One thing I just wanted to add to wonderful reply and ideas put forth by Tattered Heart is to keep in mind that the things you may begin to do here, the efforts you make, well, sometimes you will see good results and sometimes you will experience difficulties with them. Whatever he does or does or not do I hope that the techniques and ideas here can at the least bring you a measure of inner peace and balance. It becomes a bit experimental and takes a lot of clear focus I think as you work your way through the new approaches should you choose to take that on, you don't have to. Nevertheless, I strongly agree with TH that there is always hope. It is always worth the try to make things better in life in my opinion. If at some point it becomes too much it is also okay to take some space, or find another way to live life that brings you more peace. You have options.

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[Meili]

How are things going? Are you still talking to your husband? Have you made any decisions?