failed attempt of a long distance relationship with my ex

[Sabinochka]

Hi everyone. As I read this forum I found it incredibly helpful, I have not seen anywhere else on the internet this amout of relevant information about BPD. So thank you guys for that.

I realzed something about my relationship with my ex. It all kind of failed because I had to move somewhere else. We had been working hard to live peacefully when I was there in the same country with him living together. Step by step everything was getting better, I was becoming more accepting and understanding of his behavior and he of my needs. And I could see that he was indeed trying hard and sometimes he was battling with himself. But I really had to move abroad. In a new place I had a great opportunity for education and it was not even very good or safe to stay in my home country for him or for me and as we were discussing our future together (ha-ha) we both agreed we wanted to move at some point.

So me getting this opportunity sounded awesome I was honestly interested in settling here and marrying him and helping him to move with me and I know he really wanted to leave our homecountry too. We talked about everything and he was excited and also there was a positive change in his life. He found a great job through a  a good friend and that friend has invited him to stay with him while working there. Everything was great. I was worried though because whenever I had to leave we had fights. I asked him a million  times if he was sure he would be able to be ok with me being away and not start horrible fights he reassured me that he found a way to cope.

And so as soon as I leave, a week in he starts to become emotionally distant, picks up fights. I was trying to calm him like I would in real life but it all just doesn't work long distance. He breaks up with me, tells me I was abusive to him (i was not), tells all our common friends around that I was horrible although he never really thought this way before and always told me he loved me and appreciated the help I was giving to him. Then he stops talking to me, then he suddenly tells me he never loved me and was using me. I got mad as hell, I blocked him everywhere and just straight up hated him for some time

Now I realized that it was all probably because of me being faraway and him not being able to cope with that and lack of object consistency? I don't hate anymore I feel empathy and sympathy and I unblocked him everywhere in case he wants to talk. I don't know if it is a good decision and I miss him terribly sometimes and I am all sentimental about this:/
 Did anyone have similar experiences and does anyone think I am right in my realization of maybe not?

Thanks for reading, I really hope someone finds that helpful and can relate and really sorry that all my posts turn out so long and filled with just personal events. Thanks

[FindingMe2011]

It all kind of failed because I had to move somewhere else.

If this was the determination... .the r/s would have failed regardless

Step by step everything was getting better, I was becoming more accepting and understanding of his behavior and he of my needs.

I once had this line of thinking... .From words, I could see things improving. The actions said different. It was my own hamster wheel of pain, and I constantly found myself, at square one, AGAIN... .I notice the use of "needs" and wonder, what these might entail ?

Now I realized that it was all probably because of me being faraway and him not being able to cope with that and lack of object consistency?

Quick to assign 100% of blame to yourself. A prerequisite for a r/s, with BPD. Does the thought of someone treating you as an object, for the rest of your life, appeal to you?... .Its impossible, for one person, to be emotionally responsible, for 2, it always ends poorly

Thanks for reading, I really hope someone finds that helpful and can relate and really sorry that all my posts turn out so long and filled with just personal events. Thanks


putting thoughts in writing, is very therapeutic... .I found them helpful, in seeing what progress, I may, or may not have, made... .Keep posting... knowledge is power... .I wish u well, peace

[Sabinochka]

Thank you for reply... .I guess you are right. Hard to stop overanalyzing it when you have lost the one you truly love

[Speck]

Hello, Sabinochka!

I'm sorry for what brings you here, but just know that you're in good company.

I've read your post and see that you're processing the end of a relationship with someone you love. This is a normal, healthy, and necessary process for you to be engaging in at this time, so I wouldn't think that you are over-analyzing it.

Even though you had hopes of your ex eventually moving with you to your new location, he may, indeed, feel abandoned by you. That may explain his behavior. But, of course, that's his stuff.

If you'd like to share anything further, please feel free to do so.


-Speck

[Sabinochka]

Thank you... .If so it so just really unfair because I never planned to abandom him. But i guess thats just their issue... .

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Sabinochka,

Don't apologise for your posts being filled with personal stuff - that's what we're all here for    Talk about whatever you need to get off your chest. 

How long has it been since you were in contact?  Now that you have realised that it was his fear of abandonment kicking in, would you want to try to reconcile the relationship or are you wanting to detach and move on?  As Speck has said, the reaction he had was his stuff - his poor coping skills when it came to this situation.  What do you want to see happen now?  We will support you here whatever you decide.

Love and light x

[Sabinochka]

Hi Harley Quinn, thanks for your supportive message!:)

We've been no contact for about 2 weeks, then his message that he had never loved me, after that about 1 week he was blocked and now I unblocked him but he doesn't write me anyway. I don't write him first.

I remember now how before all that mess as I have moved he told me something like "I know you stopped loving me you have no feelings for me anymore" and I told him it was not true at all and he believed me but then all those fights that he started randomly... .and it all came to this.

I miss him so much, it hurts me to have all the memories of him and the funny names he called me and how we used to laugh so much together and have so much fun. It's especially harder when I am in a new country and I feel so foriegn here and it all just adds up to feeling this really bad mood. And one of my good friends attempted to kill herself today. When life hits me hard like this I just remember him as my closest friend but he is not there and I can't even write him. So yeah, I guess here is me being pathetic haha.

[Sabinochka]

oh no, I am about to break down and write him I really want him in my life at least as a friend but I just am afraid to give him the impression of me being needy and lonely cuz that will make him detach right? i dont want to write first if he wants me back he has to make the first move but I am so lonely that i might break this rule do you think it will have bad consequences like him treating me worse or something?

and one of my best friends who is a girl who is also faraway from me but we talk daily all the time who tried to kill herself today went to a party straight out of the hospital like what the hell is she also BPD or something? I might go crazy soon myself with these people surrounding me all I do is worry

[Speck]

Hey, there.

It sounds like you are really having a tough go of it. I imagine that it's really isolating to be in a foreign place without a strong support network, especially on the heels of a break up.

As far as reconnecting with your ex goes, only you will know if that is something that you wish to invite back into your life. We cannot know the absolute consequences/cost of such a decision such as yourself may know.

What do you think?

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Writing about it helps. We're always open.


-Speck

[Sabinochka]

Hi Speck,  thanks for your answer... .I don't think he will be able to be a good support for me anyway. I guess these days I am just dealing with my own issues and it is really hard. Maybe I need to find a therapist

[Speck]

I guess these days I am just dealing with my own issues and it is really hard. Maybe I need to find a therapist.

Absolutely.  It is hard to process this stuff, and it's doubly hard to sit in the hot seat of self-reflection and look at own issues. Therapy does help with that. Writing about it, here, helps as well. Whatever you need to do to get to a better place, do it. You are certainly worth the effort.


-Speck