Well, he’s out of jail after beating me up to near death

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Got the notification text first thing Sunday morning that he had just been released. Did YOU know they release prisoners at the crack of dawn on Sunday morning? Heh... .neither did I.

I spent most of yesterday curled up in my blanket fort. I knew it was coming, but I thought I had several more weeks. Still, it caught me off guard how huge the flood of emotions was, and how hard it was for me to shake it off.

Today was what it was. I went to work. I loved on my kindergarteners. I went on my run. It was ok.

But he is in my thoughts CONSTANTLY. On my run in particular it was hard to drown out the noise and turbulence that come from all of the questions. Did he ever actually love me? When did that change? Or was it never real? Pouring over fights, conversations, exchanges and trying to figure out what any of it meant. Trying to find something rational that might help me “get over” things or at least understand them. Closure? Is that what it’s supposed to be called?

I’m realizing - or at least finally conscious enough of it now to verbalize it - that I’m almost obsessed with the idea of whether he ever actually loved or cared about me. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe because I loved him so much in the beginning and can’t stand the thought that it wasn’t real. Maybe because if he never loved me than what the f*ck was the point? Maybe because some concept of “love” is the only context I have for trying to understand any of this... .

I’m just so sad. Because he was broken. And I didn’t understand until far too late how I was hurting him by not understanding that. Sad because his broken and my broken were a perfect storm that cost us both so much. Just really “haven’t stopped crying since I got home”, “hand me the pint of ice cream and a spoon”, “call all the friends, oh wait don’t none of them understand this” SAD. Gah!

Dear lord, seriously... .does it ever get easier?

[Lalathegreat]

Got the notification text first thing Sunday morning that he had just been released. Did YOU know they release prisoners at the crack of dawn on Sunday morning? Heh... .neither did I.

I spent most of yesterday curled up in my blanket fort. I knew it was coming, but I thought I had several more weeks. Still, it caught me off guard how huge the flood of emotions was, and how hard it was for me to shake it off.

Today was what it was. I went to work. I loved on my kindergarteners. I went on my run. It was ok.

But he is in my thoughts CONSTANTLY. On my run in particular it was hard to drown out the noise and turbulence that come from all of the questions. Did he ever actually love me? When did that change? Or was it never real? Pouring over fights, conversations, exchanges and trying to figure out what any of it meant. Trying to find something rational that might help me “get over” things or at least understand them. Closure? Is that what it’s supposed to be called?

I’m realizing - or at least finally conscious enough of it now to verbalize it - that I’m almost obsessed with the idea of whether he ever actually loved or cared about me. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe because I loved him so much in the beginning and can’t stand the thought that it wasn’t real. Maybe because if he never loved me than what the f*ck was the point? Maybe because some concept of “love” is the only context I have for trying to understand any of this... .

I’m just so sad. Because he was broken. And I didn’t understand until far too late how I was hurting him by not understanding that. Sad because his broken and my broken were a perfect storm that cost us both so much. Just really “haven’t stopped crying since I got home”, “hand me the pint of ice cream and a spoon”, “call all the friends, oh wait don’t none of them understand this” SAD. Gah!

Dear lord, seriously... .does it ever get easier?

[babyducks]

Hey Lala, You Hang In There.   You Are Going To Get Through This.

Him getting out of prison had to be monstrously rattling.   Horrible.   I am not making light of it at all.   Still that is what blanket forts are for.   Places to go and marshal our strength while we figure out how to rise for the next challenge.    Look at you.   You are still fighting your way forward.   Still climbing the mountain.   Still healing.    You are #$%ing courageous.

Did he ever actually love me? When did that change? Or was it never real?

We all talk about love like we actually know what that means.

Doesn't love mean different things to different people at different times?

My partner told me she loved me because "when she was with me she was soothed in that place inside her that never really rested."

At one time in my life I thought that was great.        Now I look at that and say oh my gawd there is nothing about me in that statement... .there is nothing that identifies me as an individual,   its all about her and her stuff.   but she really meant that.   that meant the world to her.  that was how she defined love.

Sad because his broken and my broken were a perfect storm that cost us both so much.

Don't equate your broken and his broken.   They are not the same.   My ex used to project her negative behaviors onto me.   I used to project my more positive behaviors onto her.    Neither was accurate.     Neither was what really happened in the relationship.

He went to prison.   probably not for the right/appropriate amount of time.    although to be honest I am not sure what the right/appropriate amount of time would have been.    no amount of time would be recompense for what you went through.    He went to prison because society deemed it necessary to separate him from society.

Yes it does get easier.   Not in the time frame I thought it would take.    Not the way I thought it would.   I can say today that the hole I had inside me is almost closed over.

Don't give up.   Keep fighting your way forward towards healing.    Spit right in the eye of the self doubt that says I am not going to make it.   You've got this.

'ducks

[Lalathegreat]

Thank you so much ‘ducks! Your words are very helpful and comforting this morning.

Your comment about what love “is” reminded me of a conversation I had with my ex once. I asked him when he knew he loved me. This was still during the honeymoon phase. At any rate, he could not find an answer. And he NEVER couldn’t find an answer to anything! But on THAT, he was rendered speechless. In some way I know that his “love” for me was about the intoxicating rush of the honeymoon phase versus a healthy adult attachment, and if I’m honest - I think mine was as well. In the end I know he harbored as much hatred for me as he ever did “love” and THAT might be where the hiccup for me lies. How do you go from one extreme end to the other? But isn’t that the deal in these relationships? We can’t understand it because we aren’t BPD. I keep trying to overlay MY blueprint onto HIS behaviors and find the answers. I need to really grasp and accept that it will simply never be possible to make sense of in that way.

Thank you! I look forward to my wound being mostly covered!

Lala

[Gemsforeyes]

Dearest Lala-

Babyducks is so right when she says that your "broken" is not even close to his broken... .  I am so sorry for all you have been through.  I cried myself to sleep the night I read what happened to you.

I have to believe that so many of us in our community have the same questions about the "love" we think we share/shared in these relationships.  And sadly, we won't get the answers we crave.  The best we can hope for is to know that WE held the love.  WE loved.  We don't hold responsibility for the cruel behaviors of our former partners.  We just don't.  And in time, we have to leave it at that.  Cast the ashes of the sins of the past and what cannot be into the sea.

You'll get there.

My ex-husband... .was I don't know what; but my 19-year marriage ended almost 7 years ago now the night he threw me across the room and into the wall.  He was arrested that night based on what HE told the police.  That was the first and last time he ever laid a hand on me.  But I had twisted myself inside out for years trying to keep that man happy.  I now understand he was emotionally abusive. 

At any rate, after the dust settled so to speak, I let him into the house to do some computer work.  We were obviously separated for good, he was flitting around town, not skipping a beat and he said to me... ."well Gems, love just means more to you than it does to me".  So I said, "then I guess in the end, I've really lost NOTHING, and you've lost EVERYTHING."  And to this day, Lala, that is how I truly see it.  He is a shell.  I am not.

Those of us who know how to love, can define it, hold it in our hearts ❤ ,  Feel it, give it, express it, are able to heal from its wounds and feel it again.  That healing will take place internally.

The external wounds you've suffered will heal as well.  The mix of emotional trauma and physical injury you've suffered at the hands of that man are unimaginable to many people.  I have to believe that many here simply don't know what to say to give comfort to you.  Or how to thank you. 

Any number of us, both men and women know this could have been us on any day... .but for whatever reason, it wasn't.   By sharing your story, imagine the number of people who've found the wisdom and courage to plot their escape, but just haven't shared that information on the boards.  You are a quiet hero.

Please Lala.  Starting today, please take steps to stop punishing yourself.  Forgive the fact that you loved this man.  Sometimes we love the wounded.  You could not have predicted the outcome.  There is a deeper story behind my encouragement.  In the near future,  give yourself permission to do more than cover your wounds; allow them to truly heal.

With love,
Gemsforeyes