How to say "no" in this situation

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am on the board today because there is another murmur that Ex may return to town. We were friends with another couple, and they continue to be close friends. They are grounded, lovely people who don't see yet the BPD behavior in my ex. They have boundaries with him, and accept what I say and need.

The guy in the couple is friends with my Ex and they email. The guy told me that Ex is looking for an apt here in town. The guy asked me if I wanted to be friends with my Ex. I was caught off guard and didn't give a definitive "no". Told him I'd get back to him, because I was caught off guard by the question and the thought of Ex's return.

It is so hard for me to say "no", I don't want to see my Ex, or be his friend.  I haven't had any contact with Ex since a one-liner email 4 months ago. When I think of him being in town, I know I can't see him without getting emotionally pulled in and he will slither, manipulate his way into coming to my apt and that will toxify this place that is so pure for me.

Why is it so hard to tell these friends an absolute "no"?

[anna58]

I am on the board today because there is another murmur that Ex may return to town. We were friends with another couple, and they continue to be close friends. They are grounded, lovely people who don't see yet the BPD behavior in my ex. They have boundaries with him, and accept what I say and need.

The guy in the couple is friends with my Ex and they email. The guy told me that Ex is looking for an apt here in town. The guy asked me if I wanted to be friends with my Ex. I was caught off guard and didn't give a definitive "no". Told him I'd get back to him, because I was caught off guard by the question and the thought of Ex's return.

It is so hard for me to say "no", I don't want to see my Ex, or be his friend.  I haven't had any contact with Ex since a one-liner email 4 months ago. When I think of him being in town, I know I can't see him without getting emotionally pulled in and he will slither, manipulate his way into coming to my apt and that will toxify this place that is so pure for me.

Why is it so hard to tell these friends an absolute "no"?

[ArleighBurke]

Letting go is difficult. You can choose not to see your ex, and not contact him, but you haven't actually burnt that bridge. The door to there being a relationship with him is still open. And as much as your head is saying you don't want him back, I'm sure there is still a place for him in your heart.

Which is normal.

Saying "no" to your friends is actually you having to close that door. It's admitting to yourself that is *IS* over. And no matter what your head says, I'm sure you have some good memories of being with him, and saying "no" will make your heart weep again.

Making the decision is scary, and final, and empowering.

[Mutt]

Hi anna58,



I used to have a hard time saying no to people because i didn’t want to hurt their feelings and I didn’t think that I’m a bad guy. I wanted to keep the good guy profile at all  times but I was sacrificing my needs for other people’s needs whether they needed it or not. Maybe this will help you, this is a good time to rebuild yourself and tweak the areas that you feel soft at - like now having a hard time saying no.

Another moderator said that  you’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings if your putting g their feelings ahead of their own. You have a right to take care of yourself. If you’re in no contact or minium contact you’re s of protecting your putting yourself outside of harms way with people that direct bad behaviours or are needy and are hurting or draining you. Put yourself first by taking care of yourself and if that means that you don’t want to be friends you’re ex then you could simply say now is not a good time and leave it at that don’t make it a thing it’s not something to discuss. Don’t JADE say things once and don’t Justify Argue Defend or Explain.

Are you worried about hurting their feelings or are you worried about hurting your exes feelings when he passes the message along?

[Bo123]

As a guy, I'm quite skeptical as to whether your ex put him up to asking that question as I find it odd that he would ask on his own.  You said it best, do you want toxic or pure?  You are the only one that has to live with it.  What's next the 4 of you getting together as friends?  Why did you break up and what has changed other than he will live closer, that won't fix any of the problems that broke you two up I bet.  Best of luck and you can't tell yourself or anyone else you didn't see this one coming, you've already told us.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Anna, Why not just tell your friends, particularly the guy, "No, thanks" when it comes to being friends with your Ex.  You could even add something neutral like, "I'm not ready to be friends with Ex."  Most people, I think, would respect your position, as Mutt suggests.

LuckyJim