Relationship over— any point trying to maintain contact as a friend/mentor?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Relationship with someone I adored (and said she adored me) is over.

She was suspected (but not fully diagnosed) with BPD - and reading through material on BPD, she certainly demonstrated the traits - volatile, needy, saw me as a knight in shining armour etc.

I accept it is over but very worried about her - do you think there is any point trying to maintain contact even as a friend/mentor?

[Theseus]

Relationship with someone I adored (and said she adored me) is over.

She was suspected (but not fully diagnosed) with BPD - and reading through material on BPD, she certainly demonstrated the traits - volatile, needy, saw me as a knight in shining armour etc.

I accept it is over but very worried about her - do you think there is any point trying to maintain contact even as a friend/mentor?

[Jeffree]

do you think there is any point trying to maintain contact even as a friend/mentor?

Maybe after you resolve your feelings about her as a lover first and are back on firm footing, perhaps you could try being there for her? But chances are if she is truly BPD, then any efforts of yours will wind up on her scrap heap in short order.

Take a look around here at all those who have tried to support their BPD through thick and thin. The illness is quite destructive, and nothing to voluntarily stick around to try and work with.

Please keep sharing and learning. I am sure the answer will become abundantly clear and you can proceed free of guilt whatever you choose to do.

J

[FindingMe2011]

Relationship with someone I adored (and said she adored me) is over.

Most here, tend/used to hang on words... .pwBPD, or strong traits of, will mirror their partner... .who doesnt love themselves,... .many will overlook the oddities... .until the shoe drops

I accept it is over but very worried about her - do you think there is any point trying to maintain contact even as a friend

This line of thinking, is exactly how u wound up on this site... .Most here, are prone to putting others needs, in front of our own... .Understand, just as you were the shining knight... .when the cycle completes, you will be the black knight... .as you recycle with the illness, you may become white again... .yet the cycles typically become faster... .and the hamster wheel of pain, is rolling... .

You have come to the right place... .Many knowledgeable people, with the best type of schooling... .experience... .I wish u well, PEACE  

[JNChell]

Don’t limit it to this alone, but maybe read about “recycling” a bit. I’ve been with more than one of these types of personalities. Every time I’ve allowed them to recycle, it had gotten worse and worse. Depending on your own personality type, this can have devastating consequences. Everyone is different. For me, it had devastating consequences. Some don’t make it out. I’m sorry to be so dark, but it’s good to know the possibilities if she is a dangerously disordered individual. Maybe a safe angle to approach this from is, would you tolerate or enable the behavior that she directed at you from one of your friends? Do yourself the good deed of educating yourself about this stuff. Whatever your decision ends up being, it’s always best to know what you can expect if you decide to engage her. I’m new here, so I hope I’m not overstepping my bounds. I can only speak for myself personally that every time I engage my ex I come away from it feeling worse. Best of luck and keep reading and posting. There’s a ton of support here.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Theseus, Welcome!  I like your moniker.  From what you are saying, you were her Significant Other, not her Friend/Mentor.  If it's over, it's not your task to be her Rescuer, in my view.  Instead, suggest you keep the focus on yourself and your needs, as others have said above.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Theseus,

 

I can understand wanting to help your ex a owBOD have dependency issues  - things that an adult should really be doing in their own. I’m saying that you’re an enabler but a pwBPD’s behaviours are enabled by loved ones, some people may know that they’re enabling and some don’t.

Maybe this wil’ help in order to get help a pwBPD have to want to get help. If a psBPD areensbled then what’s the incentive? I choose to have compassion with strong boundaries with my exuBPDw, I removed myself from my exuBPDw network of people that enable her behaviour maybe one less person in that network will speed up the process fir her to ask for help.