Feel like I'm blowing it

[witsendafter10]

Hi all,

It's been a long battle for my wife and I and I've posted some rather lengthy posts describing our relationship here. I think I'm losing it a little bit, though, and possibly just making everything worse. I'd love your thoughts:

We've basically agreed that she has a problem and needs help. Since we are in pretty rough shape and now living separately two different therapists have recommended a stay in residential treatment. At that point I dropped a loose ultimatum on her to seak treatment ASAP. Long story short, but I got in my wife's face about not having done anything about it. She said it's not my right to force it and that she was working on it in her own way so she could maintain some semblance of power in our relationship. I got super mad then, said we've tried it her way several times, and told her I'd file for divorce if she didn't have her stay booked by Feb 1st. She told me that the threat of divorce was the final straw and that now therapy either wouldn't work or that, even if it did, she would never be able to trust me again.

At this point I just hope she gets help because she is capable of being amazing. I really want us to work though, too, and a lot of what she said makes sense to me. Did me adding the threat of divorce ruin everything? Should I try to back off?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi witsendafter10, it sounds like you're in a very difficult crisis right now, one that I think many of us here have been in before. How are you holding up?  

Could you elaborate on her agreeing that she has a problem? Did she acknowledge BPD or just say something like "she has a bad temper"? What do you think her self-awareness level is?  

I read through some of your posts for the background and I see there are many common points. After I first learned about my wife's BPD my total focus became trying to get her in treatment, to no results. I have fantasized "the ultimatum moment" many times. But the reason ultimatums almost never work is that you are trying to get someone to seek treatment for you, not for themselves. Even if they try, motivation will disappear almost immediately since they do not see the value for themselves. Unless there is the risk of harm to themselves or others that requires hospitalization, we can't really force someone to seek treatment. What we can do is control our end - if they don't ever improve and we can't stand it any more, we always have the choice to accept them as they are, or leave, as painful as that may be. So I strongly suggest you take your focus off trying to force her into help.    

As to what you can do, I will share from my own experience. It was only when I began focusing on my own issues that I began to see improvements in the situation. I got some therapy. I learned that I had strong co-dependency issues that stemmed back into my childhood and were only feeding her problems. I started to set boundaries and say no to things for the first time. I learned how to be compassionate with myself. I created space for myself to be me within the relationship even when terrible things are going on. Of course this behavior always precipitates what is known as an "extinction burst" on their part, but I am started to get used to it.      

Right now, I am focusing on learning DBT skills myself via YouTube tutorials instead of pushing her into treatment. I find they are extremely helpful skills that anyone, with or without BPD, should work to have. When the time is right, I will share them with my wife in a BPD-neutral context and see how she responds. She might be interested, or maybe it will just plant a seed.

Good for you for working on validation / no JADE skills. Do not give yourself pressure to master them. I have been working at it for months and I am still a long way. We are human, and when in a difficult situation we cannot expect ourselves to be perfect. We still lose our patience and get angry.    

Also, I'd like to express to you is that you are not irrational for loving someone and I don't think you have to criticize yourself for this (I did for a long time and once in a while still do). Love is a very complex emotion and even when someone we love hurts us it's not so easy to just say goodbye and give up on all the good parts. I know there is value in my relationship worth saving, or trying to.  

I hope these suggestions are helpful. Hang in there!

PS - Here are the DBT tutorials along with a video on self compassion that was of HUGE help to me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBM6XOYisCw&list=PLb51Q732nMqeTJp05TQsE3YkCCY6p6_FS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4

[Tattered Heart]

Any updates?

I'd like to second what RolandOfEld said in that trying to take the focus off your partner's behavior can really change your overall mental clarity.  I like our lesson Understanding Your Role in the Relationship . It really lays out what is our responsibility is in the relationship.

Is your W someone who tends to make appointments or phone calls for herself or does she usually rely on someone else to do those things for her?

[witsendafter10]

Thanks for the great response!

First, in response to your question, she has acknowledged that she has an Attachment Disorder. She really doesn't want to call it BPD and I don't blame her. My main therapist actually said that the medical community may be moving away from "naming" all the different PD's out there because there is such an overlap and grouping them in to attachment based disorders. The fact that she is willing to call it anything, to me, is a pretty big deal.

As for the ultimatum approach I agree that it kind of defeats the purpose of getting treatment for herself rather than for me. She has said as much in some rather heated discussions. I will say that she is fairly self aware now and that my approach (albeit very bull in a china shop) made her realize how dire the situation was for our relationship. I'm trying to loosen my approach now (at least to some degree) to maintain some level of accountability without putting the hammer down, so-to-speak.

There is A TON of learning that I have yet to do, and like you said, that is a lifelong learning experience that I am just starting. I can be very reactive so I am really focusing on being mindful and THINKING before speaking right now and trying to get better at validation. Forgive my ignorance, but what are "no JADE" skills? I will look at the DBT tutorials that you have shared, though, and thank you SO much for sharing them.

As of now, she stands by the fact that she wants to go into residential treatment for attachment based disorders and has a few places in mind. The plan is for a month long "retreat" from mid-February to mid-March. I was originally trying to dictate the how, when, and where (which is ENTIRELY against my nature), but am finding that giving her some power back is calming things down again. I still feel like I've made a thousand mistakes and have a truckload of my own issues to work on, but I truly hope that WE are on the right track.

Thanks again

[RolandOfEld]

Hi witsendafter10, it sounds like you're doing some great work, keep it up! The more you learn and practice the skills, the more freedom you begin to discover. There is always hope.

My apologies for raising Don't JADE without explaining or providing a link (remedying that here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0). Don't JADE refers to "Justifying, Attacking, Defend, or Explain", in other words the things you shouldn't do in a heated discussion with a pwBPD. I still find it extremely hard not to do these things because they are the normal human reaction but a person who is emotionally dysregulating just can't process these responses.

I think your therapist is right not to assign labels. Labels can be painful, and some disorders overlap. I am not 100% sure my wife has BPD, so I just think of her as having BPD traits and generally see her as someone who can't properly regulate her emotions due to a genetically increased sensitivity and a traumatic and invalidating home background. It also humanizes her more in my mind, whereas when I first learned about BPD I almost saw her as just those three letters walking around.

That's great that your wife has shown a commitment to treatment and has even done her research. You are lightyears ahead of me. Good for you to put the responsibility in her hands. What actions do you think you can take to support her through the process?