How do you keep yourself from checking their social media

[PaticAttack]

Seriously, I have no self control with this. I tell myself not to do but then I do it. I only have a small window in SM to actually see anything but even then I feel like she's just leaving breadcrumbs for me. It's like she playing a game with it that I can't keep myself from participating in. I keep looking for the full reveal, you know, the pic of them together like she has done with all her ex's.  I also look hoping to see their breakup.

[valet]

Hey PaticAttack, why do you want to stop?

[PaticAttack]

Valet, that is damn good question!  Mostly because I feel stuck. It casues me some pain even thought the pain lessens more with time. I also just want to feel the satisfaction of not playing the game and not feeling like a junky checking every damn day! I ask the question looking for answers but I also know that I will continue until I don't. It is less and less as time passes, I just want to hurry to the end of this situation.

[Pretty Woman]

Willpower which is what many of us lack after the explosion of these relationships.

If you are still FB friends with her, you can "unfollow" without unfriending. This means you won't see anything she posts unless you go directly to her page.

Or, if you have been unfriended or blocked... .take it at face value. Don't create a new page to "stalk" her.

I have done the latter. It doesn't help with the healing process, plus if your ex is like mine, she will know you are checking and make everything "over the top" which is to hurt you. It's not real, it's heightened-reality... .don't fall for it.

Imagine if the tables were turned and you wanted someone to leave you alone. You would be scared/uneasy if you knew someone was still checking your FB and keeping tabs on you.

I am not saying you did anything wrong, I am just saying try to look at it from that perspective. The focus right now needs to be on you. You need to rip the bandaid off and let yourself heal... .naturally.

I can honestly say checking FB has impeded my recovery. My ex has moved on. It's been three years.

I will say this, it gets easier. You will struggle with your emotions but you will learn a lot about yourself through the process, you will be more aware.

Try this exercise, when you are jonesing to check her facebook, write or read a list of all the terrible stuff that happened in your relationship. Don't focus on the fleeting good, focus on the maddening stuff that happened, the stuff you didn't enjoy. Sometimes that helps pull immediate focus off the urge.

Don't beat yourself up if you slip up... .it happens to us all, but remember, Facebook is Facebook and a lot of what is posted is exaggerated. Don't let her posts define you.

[Kaboodle]

Uninstall the app(s) from your phone/iPad. Log out after every session. If you have to manually log into the website each time, it might give your brain a few extra seconds to reconsider the urge to check.

Alternatively, give your username and password to a trusted friend, and have that friend log in, change your password, and keep that new password from you!

[Gemsforeyes]

Okay.  Are you ready?

Tell yourself. ":)octor, it hurts when I do this".

And then reply to yourself, "Then don't do it".



Do this every time to stop yourself from doing this every time. You are the boss of you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[earlyL]

I deleted the app from my phone - it made such a difference, and then I had to log in on the computer. I tried a couple of times to get rid of social media, but I couldn't quite do it!  I really did find I stopped looking though after a while, it was very gradual.

Imagine a friend telling you about your situation and how the first thing you might suggest would be not looking at their profile, look after yourself as you would your closest friend.

If you feel yourself about to go check their profile post here instead. I often found just reading this website gave me the relief I needed instead of going on FB.

[JNChell]

PaticAttack, the simple answer is to simply not do it. But, I know that doesn’t work. I’m just now maybe 2 weeks into having no desire to check on my ex. I did it relentlessly and didn’t even have social media accounts. I know her well enough that I can figure out what she’s doing by a google search. I can’t see her profile activity, but I know her well enough by her actions, by the subliminal information that she gave me before and during our relationship that I chose to ignore and the fact that I can see just enough by googling her. It caused me immense anxiety. I started to shake when I googled her name and online sub names. I took multiple restroom breaks at work to check up on my phone.

How do you feel when you see what you fear you will see when looking her up? Why do you think she wants you to see that s**t? Do you think it’s because she’s being altruistic and letting you know she’s happy? She’s doing it to hurt you. She left you hurt and that’s where she wants you so she can eventually recycle and love bomb you back into the same cycle, Brother. This is what they do. Every time you want to look at her social media, you should come here instead. Maybe delete or deactivate all of your SM for a while. Or, keep checking it and doing her job for her by giving you those awful feelings in your chest and stomach. The not being able to focus because you can only focus on what you saw and sleepless nights. Crap. I didn’t mean to BOLD text all of this. Sorry Patic, not retyping. Dude, that s**t will eat you alive. I suggest stopping it.

[JNChell]

What are 2 things you can do when you feel the urge to look? Maybe physical activities? Even if you go outside and sprint until you can’t anymore. Walk yourself back home, take a shower and read in bed. Comfy clothes. Comfy bedding. Sleep. I’m not trying to preach. I’m trying to share. My Sister is a psychologist and there’s a fine line to what is ethical for us to discuss. One thing she always points me towards is staying busy and comforting myself during my downtime.

[Feelinstronger]

I used to really enjoy FB - keeping up with friends and family from my hometown, and reading and sharing mostly inspirational material.  I posted daily, and read it several times a day.  I never watch tv - ever - so it was entertaining for me.

I was discarded- for the 8th time in 7 years- in November.  The first couple weeks I looked at his page and his posts and then I WENT COLD TURKEY.  It was causing me anguish and heartbreak.  What did it was I saw him make a complimentary comment to another woman.  WHY in heaven's name do I need THAT? SO... .I gave up ENTIRELY my enjoyable past time.

I logged out 7 weeks ago and never logged in again.  And I dont plan on going back for a long time, until I have healed in a measurable way.

Its hard! I have replaced it with listening daily/nightly to a Catholic radio station- a new source of inspiration.  It is true what some other posters have said - if it hurts, just STOP.

[JNChell]

Patic, I get the want to hurry to the end of the pain. We can’t. The feelings and the emotions will slow down for you, but it’s up to you to allow them to. Looking up your ex will only keep your mind and emotions in high gear. We all know how that feels. It’s torturous. I wish I had seasoned advice for you. I’m fairly new to realizing all of this myself. When you feel like looking her up, come here and post about it. This site automatically journals your journey for you. Come here and read other’s experiences. You’ll see the similarities in your own situation. You have support here. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. You found this site for a reason. We all did. Don’t be a stranger.

[valet]

Valet, that is damn good question!  Mostly because I feel stuck. It casues me some pain even thought the pain lessens more with time. I also just want to feel the satisfaction of not playing the game and not feeling like a junky checking every damn day! I ask the question looking for answers but I also know that I will continue until I don't. It is less and less as time passes, I just want to hurry to the end of this situation.

I don't think this is a bad assessment of things. Often is the case that we want to move on logically, but we're still not over it on a deeper emotional level. Typical case of head before the heart.

It sounds like seeing her on social media triggers negative emotions. What advice would you give to someone else in your position? I think that'd be the best place to start.

[Maxpax2011]

I read somewhere once about checking your exes social media. It said " If you look it will either hurt you or make you happy". So you have a 50/50 shot of it hurting you. I myself would rather not take the chance of being hurt again and again. My ex went above and beyond after our break up to hurt me. I loved her more than anything. I loved her daughter like my own child, a sweet little blonde girl. I never saw her again after the break up. Since the break up My ex triangulated me and tried to use me as a fall back while she was seeing someone else, I rejected it, then during Xmas she announced her new relationship on Facebook, with a guy she was only seeing for a month. Posted pics of her, and the new guy with the daughter, I was devastated. Now mind you my ex-wife put me through hell after my divorce. Alienated my kids from me. I never thought I would feel that kind of hurt or pain again. I was wrong. Not only did my wonderful ex post the pics showing what a wonderful family they are, she also made me out to be a stalker, had the new guy contact me on New year's eve to harass me and brag about their sex life. The next day I deactivated my Facebook and haven't looked since. They are very manipulative and spiteful people. They have very little empathy for us. Don't feed into their manipulation. Yes I still miss her, I miss her daughter, I still think about them and I still dream about them. But I can still get through the day without losing myself. It's not worth the pain. It really isn't dude.

[Speck]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.  It's hard.  It really is.  I went through the same things that you have described during the first three times that my BPD wife abruptly walked out.

However... .after my BPD wife left me this last time, I deleted FB the very next day, and am only willing to communicate the divorce process via email with her.  The night she walked out, I asked for absolute radio silence regarding ALL text messages (because she's proven to not be responsible with them), and phone calls are to be reserved for true emergencies only.  So far, she's honored my wishes, and this has allowed my brain to heal somewhat.

The trick is to just let them go.  You may as well, as she's already gone.  You are worth more than silly games she's playing.  You know the worst thing you can do to someone who suffers with BPD?

Ignore them.


-Speck

[Maxpax2011]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.  It's hard.  It really is.  I went through the same things that you have described during the first three times that my BPD wife abruptly walked out.

However... .after my BPD wife left me this last time, I deleted FB the very next day, and am only willing to communicate the divorce process via email with her.  The night she walked out, I asked for absolute radio silence regarding ALL text messages (because she's proven to not be responsible with them), and phone calls are to be reserved for true emergencies only.  So far, she's honored my wishes, and this has allowed my brain to heal somewhat.

The trick is to just let them go.  You may as well, as she's already gone.  You are worth more than silly games she's playing.  You know the worst thing you can do to someone who suffers with BPD?

Ignore them.


-Speck

Your right about that, I went no contact over 4 weeks ago, haven't heard from her since. I don't think I will either unless her and the new guy have trouble or he gets tired of her ___ and leaves. From what I heard he is already getting her ugly side. I live in a small town and everyone knows everyone, word gets around fast, sure she puts on a good show for Social Media, but we all know how these wackos are behind closed doors with us. In the beginning I was worried that she would actually be happy and maybe it was me that caused her unhappiness, but as my therapist said, Cluster B people never change, they may adapt in some ways for the new partner, but they will always be their volatile selves. Either way I will not engage in anything with her anymore, as I know she will just come back with lies and manipulation. I found out a lot about her after our break up, some things she kept from me about previous relationships. She left once before and moved on with someone else, that lasted two months. She came back apologizing and telling me how much she missed me, blah blah blah, I fell for it hook line and sinker. Next time around, if it ever comes I will know better. The empathetic part of me feels sorry for the daughter. Because of her Mother's behavior she will have guys just coming in and out of her life, very sad. Same thing happened with my ex-wife. She has had countless men around my kids since the divorce. We divorced in 2007, and I would say she has had at least 5 relationships including a second marriage, these women are toxic and leave a trail of carnage behind them, and when kids are involved it is the worst.

[Speck]

"... .these women are toxic and leave a trail of carnage behind them, and when kids are involved it is the worst."


Absolutely, Max.  Well said.