Struggling with the concept of “responsibility”

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I’m finding that the more I read about BPD, the more aware I am of my “role” in the relationship. And I’m striving for acceptance of that in a healthy way. But the lines are so blurred for me. I have a hard time taking ownership of my part of the dance without claiming the whole ballet.

And the guilt is crippling me tonight. On some level, I believe that he really TRIED within the confines of his illness, to give his best. There are a million ways that it was f*cked up, or immature, or “not enough”, or too much, or abusive, or out of control. I KNOW this. But i don’t think he woke up any morning of our relationship saying “I think I’m going to destroy Lala today, that’ll be fun!” All the time I spent holding him while he cried and talked about his shame. Called himself garbage. Practically begged me to leave him so that I could have what I needed. I mean yeah... .obviously there was as much time spent being accused of abandoning him, and being raged at for not being there, but that dichotomy IS BPD. I’m having such a hard time figuring out what is “real”. Is it all real? Does the abusive stuff mean the other stuff wasn’t true?

And tonight I’m stuck in a horrific loop, thinking about everything he’s lost - custody of his son, his home, his employability, possibly even his right to live here. And there’s guilt. How could I not SEE that the only way to keep him from blowing up his entire life (and mine along with it) was to BELIEVE him in the lucid times. When he would say things like “I’m garbage, every woman who has tried to build a future with me has just been hurt” - why didn’t I run? “I wanted to help” seems incredibly lame as I stand here evaluating the rubble.

But then I get so angry at myself! Because guess what I lost? My faith in myself. My trust in other people. I question my very sanity most days as I look around trying to understand. Apparently my ability to NOT be up at midnight thinking about him and what the actual f*ck has happened to my world. I went out of town this weekend with 2 of my 3 kids and had a good time. But everything is different for me now. There were several times I was just so caught up in the moment and having an amazing time, but then something would remind me and I’d come crashing back to reality. Most of the time I feel like I laugh and smile on script for the benefit of everyone around me, and this weekend was no exception. And that made me very sad. I had hoped the change in scenery would provide some relief. I just so wish I could go back and make different choices and prevent any of it from happening.

Well this is officially a novel. Heh... .I guess my question is - how do you take the ownership that is yours (in my case, how my lack of knowledge about BPD caused me to behave in ways that caused him pain) as part of the healing process but let go of the guilt? I contributed to the crisis. That doesn’t mean I deserved what I got. How do I forgive myself? How do I stop thinking about it?

Lala - the insomniac

[Lalathegreat]

I’m finding that the more I read about BPD, the more aware I am of my “role” in the relationship. And I’m striving for acceptance of that in a healthy way. But the lines are so blurred for me. I have a hard time taking ownership of my part of the dance without claiming the whole ballet.

And the guilt is crippling me tonight. On some level, I believe that he really TRIED within the confines of his illness, to give his best. There are a million ways that it was f*cked up, or immature, or “not enough”, or too much, or abusive, or out of control. I KNOW this. But i don’t think he woke up any morning of our relationship saying “I think I’m going to destroy Lala today, that’ll be fun!” All the time I spent holding him while he cried and talked about his shame. Called himself garbage. Practically begged me to leave him so that I could have what I needed. I mean yeah... .obviously there was as much time spent being accused of abandoning him, and being raged at for not being there, but that dichotomy IS BPD. I’m having such a hard time figuring out what is “real”. Is it all real? Does the abusive stuff mean the other stuff wasn’t true?

And tonight I’m stuck in a horrific loop, thinking about everything he’s lost - custody of his son, his home, his employability, possibly even his right to live here. And there’s guilt. How could I not SEE that the only way to keep him from blowing up his entire life (and mine along with it) was to BELIEVE him in the lucid times. When he would say things like “I’m garbage, every woman who has tried to build a future with me has just been hurt” - why didn’t I run? “I wanted to help” seems incredibly lame as I stand here evaluating the rubble.

But then I get so angry at myself! Because guess what I lost? My faith in myself. My trust in other people. I question my very sanity most days as I look around trying to understand. Apparently my ability to NOT be up at midnight thinking about him and what the actual f*ck has happened to my world. I went out of town this weekend with 2 of my 3 kids and had a good time. But everything is different for me now. There were several times I was just so caught up in the moment and having an amazing time, but then something would remind me and I’d come crashing back to reality. Most of the time I feel like I laugh and smile on script for the benefit of everyone around me, and this weekend was no exception. And that made me very sad. I had hoped the change in scenery would provide some relief. I just so wish I could go back and make different choices and prevent any of it from happening.

Well this is officially a novel. Heh... .I guess my question is - how do you take the ownership that is yours (in my case, how my lack of knowledge about BPD caused me to behave in ways that caused him pain) as part of the healing process but let go of the guilt? I contributed to the crisis. That doesn’t mean I deserved what I got. How do I forgive myself? How do I stop thinking about it?

Lala - the insomniac

[Harley Quinn]

And tonight I’m stuck in a horrific loop, thinking about everything he’s lost - custody of his son, his home, his employability, possibly even his right to live here. And there’s guilt.

Lala, I can relate to concerns about the repercussions that affect your ex.  My ex lost all contact with his 4 sons due to his violence towards me.  What happened is on him however.  You are not to blame.  'Shoulding' is an unhelpful thought pattern that we can all be susceptible to and in light of what you've experienced I'd say it's natural to go there.  I spent a lot of time there myself.  It was his own actions though that have brought about the consequences he faces and in some ways that may be a good thing.  Let him own this and let go of giving any of that responsibility to yourself.  You've been through enough.  I put myself in danger and that part I own.  Other than that, what occurred was not on me, and it is not on you either.  We cannot change the past, only the present.  Consciously release yourself from the guilt.  It doesn't serve you.  My mantra was 'I am not responsible for his actions'.  I'd say it out loud.  A lot.   

I’m having such a hard time figuring out what is “real”. Is it all real? Does the abusive stuff mean the other stuff wasn’t true?

I asked the same questions.  What he felt was real at the time.  So yes, with feelings = facts, it was all real to him and it was certainly real for you.  As you said, he tried the best he could, however his best didn't equate to healthy overall for you and that's the crux of it.  Even with the best of intentions, he wasn't able to manage his emotional reactions to the point that you were safe and that isn't something that is likely to change without a great deal of commitment and hard work.  The impacts that he is experiencing of his behaviour may actually be the best thing that could happen to him.  Or not.  What is most important now in your world is how you move forwards and heal.  Let him deal with his life and you with yours.  I know that's hard.  We don't just stop caring when someone hurts us, and that can be very confusing.     

The anger that you feel is also natural and can be a healthy part of working through all this.  This anger is a reminder of the fact that you know you didn't deserve what happened on any level.  Listen to it and turn it outwards, not inwards.  What helped me was to go to the gym and train really hard.  I pushed myself physically with weights and hardcore cardio as the anger and pain passed through me.     

Another technique that was helpful was to take a mindfulness stance on the intrusive thoughts.  Try to step back and observe the thoughts as they arrive, with awareness of the patterns of thought that are developing.  Like watching clouds passing across the sky.  We don't need to rope one and pull it in.  Simply acknowledge and accept they are there and let them go without being drawn in.  You could say to yourself 'Ah, I see I am thinking about him again,' then allow the thought to pass and turn your attention to something else.

Hang in there Lala.  This stuff takes time.  Keeping up appearances for the sake of others is tough, and it's important to give yourself some opportunities to be alone and allow the feelings to flow through you.  It's a balancing act.  Every time you smile and laugh on cue, it will begin to feel more 'normal' and eventually you'll find that it's happening naturally, all of the time.  Keep sharing what you're experiencing on this journey and know that we're here for you.   Who else are you talking to about this stuff?             

[babyducks]

What a great post Lala.    I could have written something similar a while ago.    Actually I wish I did write something similar a while ago.

how do you take the ownership that is yours (in my case, how my lack of knowledge about BPD caused me to behave in ways that caused him pain) as part of the healing process but let go of the guilt? I contributed to the crisis. That doesn’t mean I deserved what I got. How do I forgive myself? How do I stop thinking about it?

Here is what I think now.   When my relationship ended there was shame, blame and guilt swirling around like berserk protons hovering around a neutron.    all that shame, blame, guilt was the natural by product of a toxic relationship.

it's not realistic to hold yourself accountable for Not acting on information you didn't have.   nobody and I mean literally nobody comes equipped with 'knowledge of BPD'.     trained professionals sometimes struggle to deal with the complexity of BPD , please don't hold yourself to a higher standard then the rest of us.

HQ said many good things,   I am going to pick up this one thought.

I put myself in danger and that part I own.   

Putting ourselves in danger is a complex idea, with a lot of nuance.   For me.    If I am walking down the middle of a busy road at rush hour and I get hit by a car,... .whose responsibility is it?     Mostly mine.    If I am standing well up on a side walk and a car jumps the curb and hits me,... .whose responsibility is it?   Mostly the drivers.     I have a responsibility to try and get out of the way.    That's a pretty simple example.    In my relationship I wasn't exactly walking down the center of a highway and I wasn't exactly up on the sidewalk either.   I was somewhere in between.

for me,   I took the steps I could to get out of the way of the car as best I could.    in my relationship my Ex acknowledge her mental health issues and 1 psychiatrist, 2 psychologists, 1 mental health nurse, medication, and one website all became part of the plan to mitigate risk.    there were absolutely times where I could have done a better job responding to the mental health problems that were in play between us.   there were times I absolutely contributed to the unhealthy dynamic.    as I look back with closer to 20/20 hindsight I see that I took steps to protect myself and to protect the relationship and my Ex.    I planted seeds that did not fall on fertile ground.

for me I found being angry was a good thing,   claiming my anger, owning it was step in recovery.   the way to healing passed through some strong expressions of anger.    and anger was never an emotion I was comfortable with.    it was a so called negative emotion and as such I wasn't allowed to have it. 

you've been through a lot.    it's going to take time to find yourself in a different place.    and it will happen slowly.   it won't be linear.   

hang in there.

'ducks

[Lady Itone]

I’m finding that the more I read about BPD, the more aware I am of my “role” in the relationship. And I’m striving for acceptance of that in a healthy way. But the lines are so blurred for me. I have a hard time taking ownership of my part of the dance without claiming the whole ballet.

And the guilt is crippling me tonight. On some level, I believe that he really TRIED within the confines of his illness, to give his best. There are a million ways that it was f*cked up, or immature, or “not enough”, or too much, or abusive, or out of control. I KNOW this. But i don’t think he woke up any morning of our relationship saying “I think I’m going to destroy Lala today, that’ll be fun!” All the time I spent holding him while he cried and talked about his shame. Called himself garbage. Practically begged me to leave him so that I could have what I needed. I mean yeah... .obviously there was as much time spent being accused of abandoning him, and being raged at for not being there, but that dichotomy IS BPD. I’m having such a hard time figuring out what is “real”. Is it all real? Does the abusive stuff mean the other stuff wasn’t true?

And tonight I’m stuck in a horrific loop, thinking about everything he’s lost - custody of his son, his home, his employability, possibly even his right to live here. And there’s guilt. How could I not SEE that the only way to keep him from blowing up his entire life (and mine along with it) was to BELIEVE him in the lucid times. When he would say things like “I’m garbage, every woman who has tried to build a future with me has just been hurt” - why didn’t I run? “I wanted to help” seems incredibly lame as I stand here evaluating the rubble.

I believe my ex uBPDgf never wanted to hurt me. In fact, when she did hurt me, it threw her into a guilt and shame spiral. Likewise, when I lost my temper and fought with her physically--I was trying to defend my space, my home, my very self--the guilt and shame brought me to my knees.

I think it's ok to feel pity and compassion for her. She lost her home, job, and a relationship with someone who really adored her--me, because she gave in to her darker impulses. But I refuse to take responsibility for it.

Remember, you are under no obligation to be "perfect" in any relationship. It isn't even possible. I feel my relationship with such a difficult person actually caused me a lot of personal growth. Don't worry so much, get some sleep. Yes, he did the best he could, and so did you.

[I Am Redeemed]

Omg you guys, you are so spot on with what I am going through. My uBPDh has been in jail for the last 8 weeks for assaulting me... .again. He faces possibly 10 years in prison. He is not allowed any contact with our children. I am struggling with the blurry line of responsibility myself. I have questioned my own sanity time and again. Why did I not leave sooner?
Only, I did try to leave, three times, and each time I was summarily dumped off at a local homeless shelter where I was told that I would not be in my situation if I only knew Jesus.
Except that I did know Jesus (and still do) and He said that "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world."
I also have an endless loop playing, torturing my already beaten soul with All The Things I could have done differently. I also struggle with the temptation to put money on my uBPDh's jail account so he can get personal items and make phone calls. (What? Why would I feel obligated to do that. And guilty because I haven't done it already.)
I question my decision to tell the police the extent of the abuse I suffered the last few weeks we were together. I initially only called them to get my son back. My husband took off with him in the car, after throwing a glass of soda on my head, making me late for work, and driving recklessly with my son and I in the car while raging at me for at least an hour or more. I made a police report for the soda incident and that was sufficient for his arrest and the return of my son. However, I felt the need to tell someone else just how insane he really had become, desperately hoping that this might finally lead to serious mental health treatment for him... .addiction treatment too, as he had once again relapsed on meth and became increasingly more psychotic. He accused me of poisoning him. He said demons were talking to him. He became convinced he was dying. He blamed me for not taking him to the doctor, although I repeatedly tried to get him to go and he refused. He accused me of thinking that he was addicted to meth, which was causing his physical pain and also his hallucinations (true! How perceptive there, buddy) but I was WRONG and I was trying to provoke him ON PURPOSE because it was part of my PLAN to make him put his hands on me and call the cops and GET RID OF HIM.
He threatened me with a hatchet, and popped me in the face with the handle of it---because I made eggs for breakfast, and since he decided that protein was toxic to him, I did it ON PURPOSE to harm him.
He drugged me with meth. Put it in my drink. Three times--- the day before Halloween, on my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY and also on Thanksgiving.
And I actually care that he has ruined his own life.
I don't know how to explain that to other people. I don't have a good answer when they ask me why I stayed. I can't explain why I feel like I may be the only person who can voice the need for his mental health treatment to the only authority with the power to make him do it. I can't explain why that matters so much, and I don't know if my motivation for that is selfish or not.
I don't know why I am tortured by the persistent fantasy that there is still hope for him.
My heart breaks for my children. For him. For me. For his mother.
Am I crazy? I feel like I might be. The fallout from verbal abuse alone makes me confused and questioning myself. Throw in emotional and physical abuse, and the knots just get more tangled.
Thanks for posting everyone. I am glad that someone else has been where I am, because that helps me feel a little more sane.

Blessings,

I Am Redeemed





Thanks

[SlyQQ]

Some people talk about shared responsibility for a relationship etc etc on this board,

My expierience with BPD is you are basically irrelevant to what is going on,

someone with BPD is basically having a relationship with them self, though it comes in different guises.

You can smack them about the head or bring them flowers every day, the journey they are on is on there own

If you can guide them to self awareness, and taking control of there lives great, but at best you are just a sideshow

[ynwa]

Hey There Lala.  First off, even while going through this you have been have been able to express yourself clearly and show that you have your feet on (admittably shaky) on the ground.

You are doing the right thing. For you, and your little ones.  You do not have to prove to ANYONE that you need to do what is right.  It is very easy for us to say "we are not responsible" or "its their thing" about someone we care about deeply.  But it is true.  And its not easy. 

BPD is just one reason, it could be drugs, it could be anything.  The point is, the relationship is at a point where you feel is it time to detach and separate yourself right?  In a sense, you have become "allergic" to someone and it is a weird and scary thing.

You are not alone in these feelings.  The abusive side of someone might barely appear, and they might be the sweetest person on the planet.  But... .that does not make it ok.  I allowed my abuse, because I was the "man", I am bigger and she was not really "physically" hurting me.  Until she did. 

Harley mentioned mindfulness, and the idea that it was part of the relationship we "accepted".  It WAS our part, but now it needs to stop.  And its tangled in our minds.

But I think you are doing GREAT with this.  It is not easy, and you are dealing with a difficult situation. Be mindful.  Take a minute and just allow yourself to say OUT LOUD with a smile.   I GOT THIS.  because you DO.