Her childhood abuse/abandonment issues

[AustenJ]

Now that the fog has lifted, I have been able to piece together her comments throughout our relationship about her childhood abandonment issues and perhaps some form of physical/sexual abuse. Of course, if talking about those issues were too sensitive to share with her therapist, she definitely would not share those feelings with me... .at least not all at once or in an explicit fashion.

Her earliest memories of masturbation was when she was 4 or 5 years old... .which seems really early to me. She was reprimanded by her Catholic mother every time she caught her touching herself down there. My diagnosed 28 year old BPDexgf has never had an orgasm through sexual intercourse. The only way she has ever had an orgasm is through self-masturbation in a very secretive way:  she has to be on her belly with her hand underneath her. This hand must also be underneath the sheet so her bare hand never touches her vagina or clitoris directly. She thinks vaginas are "gross" and rarely allowed me to perform oral sex on her.

During her childhood her father was rarely around as he worked three jobs and also was a triathlete who trained incessantly, taking him further away from his daughter. When she was 18, her father died of a heart attack while training in the spring of her senior year in high school. In the fall after his death, she was gang-raped during her first semester in college by her then boyfriend and a couple of his friends. By her junior year in college, she was a triathlete in fantastic shape but thought she was fat... .so she began purging 10 times a day and ultimately attempted suicide for the first time; she missed a semester for inpatient treatment, but was not diagnosed with BPD at this point, just an eating disorder.

She shared stories of her sexual prowess in high school: she was proud of taking the virginity of guys younger than she; she performed oral sex on dozens of boys in the back seat of her mother's SUV; she enjoyed anal sex; she and two of her girlfriends performed oral sex on two guys at the same time.

I never judged her for any of this, and I still don't after all this time. And perhaps none of the above reflects childhood abuse, but it shows a pattern of behavior in her early teen years which may not have been healthy.

[Jeffree]

AustenJ,

There's a comment here that I am tripping on that is causing me to ask the following question: How reliable do you think your ex's telling of these stories is/was?

I only ask that because of this: By her junior year in college, she was a triathlete in fantastic shape but thought she was fat

I'm just wondering that if she had this body dysmorphia, if she might not have had other dysregulatory experiences that cause her to not be a reliable teller of her truth.

Look, I don't know what's up here, but I do know that I have been sent down many a rabbit hole chasing reality with an ex only to find out that a certain amount of the stories were out and out lies both big and small. How premeditated these lies were and for what purpose they were created I could never really figure out, but I do think that they have been tied to their not taking responsibility for their actions.

There have been many instances with both my ex wife and STBx where their dysregulation has been so far from reality so as to become a significant break with reality. Yes, on the fly, when pressed to justify her abuses of me, my STBx would/will resort to making up lies about  anything (even lies about me to me), then stand her ground by refuting anything I present to the contrary as invalidating her.

All I'm saying is to consider the convenience and timing of your ex's revelations as possibly serving a greater purpose for her overall agenda.

J

[valet]

This is hard work, AustenJ. Good on you for trying to see the other side of the coin.

Have you thought about how your own past lead you to being with her?

I'd love to hear any insights you might have!

[Bo123]

Therapy was the only hope for her.  There was nothing you could have done to fix those issues and years of of T may not fixed those either.  Forgive yourself, feel sad but know there was nothing you could do to help.  Sad situation.  Hope you can move on w/o guilt.  Best wishes.