LDR with possible BPD

[luna001]

I've been in a long distance relationship with a man who it would seem has many features of BPD. I can see how much he needs and wants love, but the frequent irrational accusations, suspicious, highs and lows are exhausting. In a calm state of mind, he agrees he has many BPD characteristics, but can't seem to acknowledge how much his words hurt me. When set off my some small perceived slight, he blocks me on social media, sends all cap screaming emails, calling me names, accuses me of cheating on him. Otherwise, I'm the best ever. It's so confusing and painful. My friends and family don't understand why I stay. I feel like I'm losing myself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[doctorRod]

Hi

When I first began to accept that my gf maybe a bp it was really hard. The first thing that helped me gain control was to first look within myself. As you read about BPD... .you will also gain insight on the people who get attracted and caught in their webs. Insight to your own emotional wounds from childhood will surface and the opportunity to become a better person for facing them head on will be invaluable. My advise is to try your best to keep your partner from consuming you by setting some boundaries and play more of an observer/listener role while you figure out what issues are yours. After you learn which issues are yours only then will it become clear which issues are his. Then and only then will you stop the feeling of not being in control. After you empower yourself with knowledge the next step is to practice practice practice using the new tools you have. You will stumble and fall and forget especially in the heat of the moment but eventually you will reach a state of calmness and at this point (if you have not already done so) you will have to decide if the rollercoster is really worth it to you. You will need to think deep about what you really want from this man. If what you really wanted was from him or just a projection of what was going on with you.

Best of luck
Rod

[pearlsw]

hi luna001 and doctorRod,

Wow doctorRod that was a great reply! After all my months here I have to say that summed it pretty well! I could read that many times over and feel comforted each time!

I was in a long distance relationship with my "h" when we first got together... .I think that is part of why I misread some of the early signs.

In regards to "losing yourself" what are you doing or what can you do to address that issue?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[luna001]

Yes, doctorrod, I can really identify ways in which, during the highs, what he gives me "meets" a lot of my childhood unmet needs. During the good times, he swears he'll never leave and seems he loves me more than anyone else in the world. He often has terrific advice and is a very capable person in so many respects.

How am I addressing feeling like I'm losing myself? I do pretty well with it when he withdraws from me. I do things that he often keeps me from doing due to keeping me on video chat nearly constantly. I refocus on myself and try to accept life without him. Then he creeps back and I get caught up in reassuring him again.

Thank you so much for the replies. I've been reading on here on and off today and it's very helpful to see what others are going through.

[pearlsw]

Hi luna001,

So are you saying he tries to keep you on video chat for as much time as possible because of perhaps... .jealousy? Is that one of the issues that the reassurance is about? Can you talk more about the reassurance?

take care, pearl.

[luna001]

Yes, jealousy, suspicions, and his fear of being alone are the major issues, so keeping me on video chat serves double duty of keeping him from being alone and keeping tabs on me. On a non-work day, 10-12 hours isn't unusual. Not being able to do that definitely will set him off.  I do find my life getting smaller and smaller. 

He needs pretty much constant reassurance... .that I'm not leaving him, that I'm not talking to other men, that I'm not cheating on him. We've had arguments because he thinks I'm looking at something off screen because he thinks I'm chatting to someone.

Writing this, it sounds so clearly unhealthy... .