The longing which still grips me has less to do with with my ex than I thought.

[steelwork]

I got a few nudges recently about participating on the boards in a positive way--helping newer members, or posting reflections that might spark useful discussions. Adding my "wisdom," I guess. And, like a few other seniorish members I've seen popping up lately, I feel sad that I have so little to give back. I've tried welcoming a few people, but they tend to never post again after I do--which makes me wonder if I said the wrong thing.

So what can I contribute? Well, here's a dream.

I haven't spoken to my ex in over three years, and I don't dream about him that often anymore. He appeared and told me that we could get back together, but I had to understand that he was different now. His attitude in the dream was impatient and kind of hostile, and the gist was that he was no longer going to be open, vulnerable... .it was like a business proposition. He showed me a screenplay he'd written, which was going to be produced. Or maybe it was a very impressive resume that he showed me. And did I want to be with him? Yes or no? I was blindsided and confused about having him return suddenly and having to decide right away if I wanted to be with him. He wasn't the person I'd longed for at all.

A few days later, it occurred to me that this dream reminded me a little of one I used to have about my father, who died when I was not quite 15. I used to dream that my father returned after many years of being "dead." The feeling I had was: joy that he wasn't dead, but also sadness and rejection because he'd been staying away from us voluntarily.

And it also occurred to me that the longing, which still grips me far too often, has less and less to do with who my ex is or was, or wanting to be with him. I feel like his absence has been absorbed into me in the way that being orphaned was, more than 35 years ago. (I didn't have my mother around after I was 12, so I was essentially orphaned. My 21-year-old brother became my guardian, though not really. That was only on paper.)

And... .this is so self-involved, and it helps no one. I'm sorry. I'll keep trying.

[Turkish]

And it also occurred to me that the longing, which still grips me far too often, has less and less to do with who my ex is or was, or wanting to be with him. I feel like his absence has been absorbed into me in the way that being orphaned was, more than 35 years ago.

I think that this is a pretty significant insight,  tying perhaps unresolved (or at least lingering) pain to the present.  What are your thoughts on moving forward? Or are you comfortable at this time to just think about things?

[steelwork]

Thanks so much for the response. My thoughts on moving forward: I'd sure like to. I feel stuck. I've been seeing a therapist multiple times a week for quite a while. I think insight isn't hard to come by for me at this point, you know? But feelings are harder to control than thoughts.

My T has suggested contacting my ex. Maybe it would be a way to break this impasse with myself. It might be very upsetting, and it might well not get a response, but at least it might replace the ghost with an ordinary jerk, you know?

[Turkish]

Would it be helpful to contact "the jerk?" Would it replace facing the ghost?

A senior member here once told me, "you can't fix your problems with one person with a completely different person.  That's impossible." I still think about the implications of this... .

The things we carry move us forward. Do you think contacting your ex would help you?

[Jeffree]

I've tried welcoming a few people, but they tend to never post again after I do--which makes me wonder if I said the wrong thing.

Very interesting that you started with this above in a post about abandonment.

Being orphaned at such a young age and basically raising yourself is such a challenge. Heck, losing one parent as an adult is hard enough, forget about both parents as a teenager.

Can you share anything about the people who have stood by you, or what you expect it will take for you to bond to others more permanently?

J

[Lucky Jim]

Hey steelwork, I don't find your post "self-involved" and disagree that it helps no one.  Don't beat yourself up!  I think it's a fascinating dream.  To me, your dream is more about longing for your late Father than it is about your Ex, as you realized a few days later. In your words, he (your Ex) "wasn't the person I'd longed for at all."

My T has suggested contacting my ex. Maybe it would be a way to break this impasse with myself. It might be very upsetting, and it might well not get a response, but at least it might replace the ghost with an ordinary jerk, you know?

I'm reluctant to disagree w/your T, but doubt that contacting your Ex will prove worthwhile.  Your dream, in my view, is more about missing your Father, who you can't contact directly.  Have you ever tried having a conversation with your Father, even though he is no longer physically present?  It might be interesting to try.

I think you're on to something so keep us posted.  Yes, you are contributing to the conversation!

LuckyJim

[Skip]

My T has suggested contacting my ex. Maybe it would be a way to break this impasse with myself.

I had a ex vanish on Christmas eve once. That really haunted me. I ran into her two years later, we talked on the street for five minutes. I never struggled with it anymore.

She had some trauma in her life right before she met me. It finally caught up.

It's not a bad idea.

[pearlsw]

Hi steelwork,

Interesting post! Thanks for sharing! I lost my father at a young age (16) and still have dreams about him too. I didn't feel abandoned by him, but I do miss having him in life other than in the form of memories and dreams. My issues are around not having been able to help him or reliving the pain of watching him die again (he was ill over a long time period)... .or feeling like I wasn't there enough for him - I was taken away from him in an extremely unpleasant way for my mom's needs at the time and my father spent the last months of his lucid part of life without what he should have had - his loving kids. I have carried this pains/these issues into my romantic relationships to one degree or another.

I am not as sure as others about seeing your ex in person. Personally that would just give me one more bad memory in life, but it's your call... .What about writing out what you'd say to him and tossing it or telling it to another person (like a therapist or good friend) and getting it out that way?

On another note, I was listening to a philosophical talk last night that made me think about how in the West we can almost spend too much time trying to work on ourselves and improve ourselves rather than simply accepting and loving ourselves. Just another idea to toss into the mix here.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[steelwork]

Hi everyone, and thanks for your replies, and sorry to be so slow in responding. I guess I've been feeling weary, which is something that happens when I'm approaching emotionally difficult subjects. Let me start here:

Can you share anything about the people who have stood by you, or what you expect it will take for you to bond to others more permanently?

That's an interesting question. I was saying to my T the other day that there are two people of whom I'm totally sure--who I know will always be there, and who won't turn away from me no matter what: my brother and my sister. I had another brother, but he died at the end of last summer. Our relationship was more complicated: historically deep and close, but somewhat estranged at the time of his death. He had bipolar disorder, was an alcoholic, and had a lot of other misc. issues. It should be said that he was the brother who became my guardian when my father died.

My mother is not dead, so I'm not really an orphan, but she stopped parenting at a certain point, and though she made some moves toward doing parental things at various times, I really don't think she knows how. She's said things to me like that she isn't good with feelings. To others she's said she doesn't think there's really any such thing as love. And the dream I used to have about her was telling: I used to dream that she broke up with me. It was like, she was feeling that our relationship had run its course. It's such an odd thing to dream about your mother, but she is an odd person.

I do have friends of long standing, and a man I've been involved with for over a decade. I feel close to all of them--or anyhow, I think I do.

I'll have to get back to the other responses in a bit. Because I know you are all on the edge of your seats!  

----
Clarification, in case that response sounded odd: my uBPD(traits?)x was an affair partner. And it may sound wrong to say that I feel close to my longterm partner (whom I broke up with and got back together with), but I do. It's not a really romantic closeness, and it's fraught. In some ways, I believe I've bonded with him as a parent substitute.

[steelwork]

Would it be helpful to contact "the jerk?" Would it replace facing the ghost?

A senior member here once told me, "you can't fix your problems with one person with a completely different person.  That's impossible." I still think about the implications of this... .

I may have said this in a confusing way. The ghost I refer to is the ghost that my ex became when he ghosted. Not the ghost of my father, if that's what you were thinking.

Do you think contacting your ex would help you?

I don't know. I've been hashing it out more and more concretely with my T--thinking about what the possible outcomes would be and what each one would mean for me. I think basically it would help to fix in my mind a little better who he is-- who he is now, who he really is, whatever. What I'm dealing with. Because he really jekyll-and-hyded me. When the truth was out, he became a very different person, suddenly, but it happened over g-chat and email, so that other person I knew (or thought I knew) still has a reality that feels more real than the person who destroyed me. Maybe I need to finally obliterate that other person who I remember.

Or, alternatively, if after all this time he was still unwilling or unable to face me, that would be information, too. Because I am not angry, really, at him for lashing out at me or finding another lover or moving on from me. I understand those things, though I also know I was treated very harshly. What's harder for me to reconcile is the fact that even now, three years later, there's been no olive branch--no checking in with me to see that I'm okay--no acknowledgement of what we were to each other once--the way I've always experienced breakups. It's just so hard for me to wrap my head around--this scorched earth policy.

On the other hand, I'm really really afraid. Apparently the thing was a trauma. Sometimes it's helpful to confront the irrational fears that have built up around trauma.

So we've been talking through what would happen, what I might experience, if I pursued this idea.

[steelwork]

Hi pearlsw,

I'm awfully sorry you went through this. I can relate. My father had cancer, and my siblings and I took on some unrealistic responsibilities in caring for him.

I was taken away from him in an extremely unpleasant way for my mom's needs at the time and my father spent the last months of his lucid part of life without what he should have had - his loving kids. I have carried this pains/these issues into my romantic relationships to one degree or another.

Curious: how so, if you don't mind saying?

As for the note-writing idea: yes, I've done an awful lot of that over the years. Has helped me a lot in clarifying my feelings. But it doesn't seem to have quite done the trick with some other things.