Husband has left me

[November Rain]

Hi I am new to this board and am currently in turmoil. I have been searching for answers and a way to see if my husband will ever come back to me. We have been together for 3 years and I learned quite quickly of his problems. He has been diagnosed with a PD of some type and also has ptsd and he dissociates. He has always been very caring and loving and has always made me feel special and like I'm his world. When I met him he had lost his job and and gambling a lot. I was invested in our relationship by that point and he moved in.
 He was difficult to live with and his depression quite bad. Imyself have my own problems, eating disorders and anxiety etc. I found it all very difficult to deal with but I always supported him.
Eventually he got a good job and things started to get better. We got engaged and we were happy. His mood was constantly up and down and I still worried that perhaps he would leave. However eventually I got used to the pattern and learned to just support him through it and it'd pass.
We got married and he even bought it forward a year... He said he wanted children with me and that he would never leave me. About 5 months ago he started withdrawing... going out a lot and getting drunk, not inviting me or letting me meet his new friends and always on his phone texting. He was abused and sex has never been an easy thing between us... But again with him in therapy I have always tried to assure him and support him even though sometimes I feel a bit neglected. Verbally he's always complementary and says it's not me... He gets flashbacks. He is quite insecure and believes that I am only with him because I don't want to be on my own and that I don't fancy him.
His credit is not good and we have had problems getting a mortgage because of this so he feels that this another thing that he is not good enough at.
 little while ago he stayed away for one night saying he needed space... I was very upset and confused but he assured me it's ok and he got me gifts and came home.
He has been under a lot of pressure at work and everything i do isn't good enough for him.
One day after him texting his friends all night and shunning my attempt at a hug I said that I felt we weren't really working. I said this in frustration that I wanted us to talk and try to work through things properly... perhaps therapy together. To my sureprise he agreed and with that he was gone.
Ever since my whole world has been turned upside down... we have barely spoken for 2 weeks and when we have he said that this is for the best and that in time I will move on and we can be friends. For now though he needs to get help and focus on himself and he can't give me what I want... a family etc.
I am glad that he can see he needs help with his outbursts and since he has been going downhill. But we are married and he is treating me as if I'm simply someone he once knew. I've been crying every day, all I want is him to come home, but he doesn't see or understand why I would be upset.
I'm sorry if my message is a bit of a ramble... But I just wondered if anyone could offer any advice? Will he come home? He has taken all of his stuff and I'm just heartbroken.
Thank you

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi November Rain,

I'm so sorry to hear your husband has left and taken all of his stuff. Have you had any contact since he left? Do you know where he is staying? Does he want to talk or not seem to want to? Has he said anything about filing for divorce?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. You are not alone. These relationships are very tumultuous. Have you considered a therapist for yourself who is familiar with this disorder? There are many good lessons and articles on this website but finding a counsellor who is familiar with these types of issues is invaluable. Meanwhile please take gentle care of yourself.

[November Rain]

Thank you for your messages. It has brought me some weird kind of comfort coming here and reading that I am not the only one who has experienced this.
I have seen him once when he came to pick up his stuff... I managed to stay calm and indifferent at the time as I felt begging and pleading would only push him further away. He was very cool about the whole thing... .you wouldn't think we were married or that he was leaving me.
I thought maybe it was just a break but I have not seen him since. He said he would come round to pick up the rest of his stuff (nothing very important) and that we could talk then.  However he cancelled and there's been no further mention of it. We have occasionally sent texts... I am attempting NC but failing. I've laid out how I feel but he ignored it. Before this he sent me a few messages, friendly but nothing of any substance and he's liked a few posts on social media. It's just not the man I knew and married. Who has always said how lucky he is to have me and said he is better than he has ever been with me... that the only way he would ever leave if I cheated. Yet all his girlfriend's have cheated on him and I never have and I don't think he left them. He wanted to be my husband and said that being married was the best thing and he felt so much more secure.
Divorce was mentioned on the first day, but we are unable to divorce due to not being married long enough... He said we can't get divorced so he's not going anywhere yet. Yet he has pretty much disappeared... .He is staying in rented accommodation and left me with all the bills and I'm not sure if I can afford everything.
I just don't understand. He thinks I'm better off on my own and he can't give me what I want but I don't know if that's an excuse to just leave and start over again. He's now in a better place financially and I've helped him clear his debts.
I am due to see a therapist for my own issues but I am hoping they can offer me some insight in to his. This website has been very useful though. I have been suicidal every day myself and not sure how to carry on with this pain. I have put all of myself in to this relationship... not wise or healthy I am sure... But still and now I just don't know how he discard me like nothing.
Thank you for listening.

[pearlsw]

Hi November Rain,

Oh dear! This is so painful! I had a break up once with a BPD traits partner and it was so cold/sudden! It is such a shock when someone you think loves you does this kind of thing. My current partner has threatened break ups so often and I am sure he would be cold too if/when we break. It is part of this illness. I know it hurts, but if you can depersonalize a bit it can help.

Do you know much about BPD yet? Once you do it might make more sense. Keep writing out your feelings here and you can process it with us! You are not alone! 

warmly, pearl.