34 years of marriage and BPD wife at her worst

[AlwaysWrong55]

I am at the end of my rope as to what I need to do about my wife's BPD (undiagnosed) but classic symptoms. She has gotten progressively worse and now since November has refuse to sleep in same bedroom with me and says she is done with me, my family, her own Mother and anyone who has ever done her any wrong ever. She says constantly she hates her life, me and our marriage, our home, our financial situation, how her grown (our) kids treat her and even our neighbors who are the nicest people imaginable. She blames me for causing her to quit the best job she ever had 15 years ago (which she did totally with no input from me) and claims I never made any sacrifices or worked as hard and gave up as much as she did to support our family ( total exaggeration, as I worked a full time job and two part-time jobs and was always number one provider. She says she has no hope and has worked all her life to end up with nothing and I owe her 61k to make up for money she claims to have spent over the years, yet I have always turned my paycheck over to her and allowed her to manage our money. I honestly don't understand the depths of her unhappiness with me as I always have put her first. Yet she claims I am the most selfish ass she has ever seen and she has married two of them! (Her first marriage lasted only 7 years but she had two small kids when I married her aged 4 and 2 who now have turned out fine but the daughter we had together has had all sorts of issues as she fought constantly with her mom and moved out when still in high school. Anyway she claims she is done with me and it's time for her to think only of herself but doesn't want a divorce because she wants to keep my health insurance - she also turns 62 in March and applied for Social Security but has no other retirement. Yet keeps making hateful statements that all she needs is my money or my mothers, but neither of us will die and will live forever! My mom is 84 and in a nursing home and I am 63 and will have to work until I drop just to stay away from her as weekends are pure hell! What the heck can I do? She imo actually has it pretty good and I'm the one living a nightmare it seems!

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[Mutt]

Hi AlwaysWrong55,



PwBPD have low self esteem, self loath, self hate and self sabotage r/s’s. Is there something that happened in November that could be the catalyst or this self hatred/ depressive episode?

[AlwaysWrong55]

Yes several things in hindsight. Our daughter who is 33 decided she wanted to separate from our son-law who we both like so that became a big worry after she seemed set, but then found out there was no intimacy and she wants children and that he was miserable in his job while her career was taking off. Then after holidays we were with my Dad his wife and my sister going antiquing and out to dinner and she made a comment that all govt workers were lazy (which I'm one and my sister a former school teacher) which offended my sister(who she always got along with better than anyone else in my family)and my sister said that isn't so as she works as hard as anyone, which infuriated my wife, who took this entirely as an insult personally that my sister worked harder than she and she raised her voice and said, NOBODY works harder than me!" Then my sister who is divorced and alone said well at least you have a husband helping you. Which further infuriated her as she said "your brother?" " He does nothing to help me!" This also isn't true and it upset my Dad and my stepmother too. Anyway, after the trip ended she said she wants nothing to ever do with my family and hates all of them and me for letting my sister talk to her like that. She then demanded me to ask my sister for $500 we had loaned her years ago and told her not to worry about paying back. She then said she wanted me to give her back a $50 gift card for a restaurant she gave her for Xmas too or else use it to take her to dinner. She said if I didn't do these things she would call my sister and let her have it! So I my sister who had alresdy written her a card saying she was sorry if she offended her gave me a $500 check she could I'll afford and then sent her a lengthy text which my wife refused to read. My wife said obviously she knew she was wrong or she wouldn't have written the check and I never thought you would have the guts to ask her for it!  So she held the check for two days and when I came home from work while not taking her eyes off the tv calmly said I mailed that check back to your sister with a note and she better not try to send it again or I will sign it over to an Animal Shelter so you can tell her that!

[QBert]

Wow... .This all sounds very frustrating. I can see how you'd be at a loss over all this =\ -- the rapid direction changes must seem like you're in a tornado.

I'm surprised this episode has lasted since November. I can't imagine how life has been since then for you.

You're not alone in your struggles though.

[AlwaysWrong55]

I forgot to add that her thoughtless insult also would include my Dad and Stepmother who are both retired State Government workers ( although they said said nothing, but were shocked how she acted so upset and angry as my wife herself was a County Govt. employee as a secretary for Tourism when I first met her! And every day since this episode now I hear how she hates me and everything I do to ruin her life and this was the point of no return. She alternates between scathing insults constantly directed at me over little minor things she seems to think have destroyed her life. So I told her it pains me go no end to see her in such degree if unhappiness and asked what is the answer and she says nonsensical things like pay off our house tomorrow when we still have over 4 years on the mtg, or take out a second mtg so I can give her money to get an apartment! So I said I will divorce you if you wish, and that makes her even madder as she says I took her job away and she has nothing to live on! This is simply untrue as she has had at least 8 different jobs during our 34 years together and has never stayed more than 7 years in any, always falling out with someone and quitting or being let go. I am the only stable person she has other than our grown children and her sister (who she also falls out with quite frequently and bashes constantly too.) She is a twin but not identical and has issues also (very inverted and resistent to and uncomfortable at family gatherings and like my wife extremely critical of their mother, but her sister is not BPD and actually sees how my wife is extreme in her behavior and commented to me she doesn't know how I can stand it.

[AskingWhy]

Hi AlwaysWrong55,



PwBPD have low self esteem, self loath, self hate and self sabotage r/s’s. Is there something that happened in November that could be the catalyst or this self hatred/ depressive episode?

I agree about the low self-esteem and self-hate.  pwBPD also lack a real sense of self, constantly defining themselves by the opinions of others. 

[takingandsending]

Hi AlwaysWrong55.

I guess you could call me AlwaysWrong52. It is frustrating living with, trying to relate to someone with BPD. The story you shared is the classic projection that often baffles the people closest to them. Insert your wife's name in place of all of the named people she was accusing, and it paints a pretty clear picture about how she feels about herself. But, as that is uncomfortable and intolerable to her, she simply pushes it all off her plate onto somebody else's ... .usually those closest to her. It's the equivalent of a very young child's way of coping with feelings that they don't know what to do with.

I understand how difficult it can be to live with someone that is projecting in this way. There are ways to try to talk to her to address what may be going through her mind, but those communication tools are generally most effective when she is not in an elevated state of upset. Have there been any lulls in the storms where you think you might try to feel out where all the recent duress is coming from?

Absolutely hateful the way she treated your sister (and Dad). I am so sorry. It can feel really infuriating and helpless to watch your partner destroy relationships that you value. Don't let that happen. Make sure your support network knows how you feel about them.

[ArleighBurke]

So AlwaysWrong55, what do YOU want to happen?

Obviously the ideal situation is she somehow loses her BPD and becomes pleasant to live with... .Probably won't happen.

So... .
You offered to divorce her. Is that what you want? Or were you just reacting to her?
Do you want to stay with her? What would need to change to make it OK to stay?
If she stayed exactly the same, but you managed to find a way to not let it affect you - is that enough?

Perhaps you need to detach from the situation for a little while to work out YOU. Ignore what she wants. Ignore what the rest of the world thinks. Think only about YOU and what YOU want.

Once you know that, you can move forwards.

[AlwaysWrong55]

Thanks so much for you kind and most helpful comments from all who have responded to me. As an answer to the question what do I want? That is easy as I still and always have loved my wife. I really only dated three women in my life and thought I was in love with the first one and bought her a ring only to be rejected. I then dated another woman very briefly before meeting my wife and it was totally different as she didn't play games and we had instant physical attraction that was mutual and I had never experienced and I was 27. There was no doubt I wanted to marry her if she would have me and I loved how she was such a happy young fun living single mom with two great small kids 4 and 2. Things couldn't have been better until we had a baby and after that she would act with what I now know as BPD episodes almost every month that I chalked up to extreme pms. Anyway, move to real time update. I had bought tickets for us to go to a Travis Tritt concert months ago and she was aware but told me to go with my sister or alone. I said I bought them to go with you and would
not enjoy going otherwise and hoped she would reconsider as we enjoyed the last concert we went to. So I also made a concerted effort to pretty much hang on her every word. Lo and behold the day before the concert on Feb. 13 she said I guess I will go to that concert with you. So we went the concert and had a good time and the next day was Valentines Day so I bought her a dozen roses and a card that just said ALWAYS - Not just a word but a promise... .and she loved it. It was the only card like that left and it was like it was left there for me as it is extremely hard to find a card that fits for my wife that wouldn't generate the opposite of what I intended or come across as phony. Anyway I also said I hoped she would consider having some time together (which we hadn't for almost 4 months. It was a gamble, and think it surprised her and she said do you mean right now? And I said not necessarily, I just meant any time ever! She then said about 30 minutes later that we had time before supper and it was unbelievable! I believe we have made love on Valentines Day only once before on 34 years of marriage and obviously it wasn't very memorable, but this certainly was due to all that had transpired and length of time we had been celibate! Anyway, she still has the anger with my sister and her mother but has for now calmed it with me. However; I know this could change in an instant so it's just a matter of time for the shoe to drop again!:

[AlwaysWrong55]

I thought I had posted a reply to this yesterday bu cannot find it here. Anyway after a week of Dr Jekyl she reverted back to Ms Hyde as if the Good week never happened and for no apparent reason after I was away at work for 11 hrs. So am facing something I have not seen in 34 years of marriaged and that is such an extremely long and severe Hyde stretch of 4 months followed by only a week of Jekyl. I am lost as to what is coming next, as she has now completely discounted my Valentines roses and card and back to blaming me for every possible thing wrong with her life!

[AlwaysWrong55]

Update this morning she acted totally "normal" as if the brief raging cycle never happened! She talked to me back in Jekyl mode again! I don't know what to think of expect now. I usually just try to remain calm when she rages and take our slow moving dog for a long walk which works sometimes but not always. I also take a mood calming supplement also for relaxation you can get at a vitamin store or on-line called L-Theanine that I take one in morning and one in evening and pray that she calms down, but this is an awful roller coaster way to live and seems worse each year to it is almost unbearable at times and just exhausting emotionally. I wouldn't know how to act if I had an even keeled spouse where we had mutual respect kindness and ability to discuss small and large matters rationally and logically even if we disagreed! Seems like a Fantasy!

[AlwaysWrong55]

Further update she now is expressing extreme anger directed at her 87 year old Mother although indirectly by constantly berating and criticizing her (some of it going back years like she has always done with me and after reading a lot about BPD I now realize her mom was the cause of it all along. Anyway, she has for now taken a spot just ahead of me in the raging, but I can seem I'm on the thinnest edge of where it can cross over to me becoming the main target again. So I really have to watch everything I say and do or don't say or do.

[TRB]

I am really sorry to hear you are going through all of this after such a long relationship.

I am responding only to let you know I am experiencing something that sounds very similar, if it helps you to know you are not alone.  I am a bit younger than you but we've been together 20+ years and I did not hear about BPD until about 3 years ago but it is dead on accurate for my spouse.  Like you I had not dated many other women so I think in the early years I didn't know what was normal and also her symptoms have gotten progressively worse in the last few years.

I had a similar  experience with Valentine's Day this year.  Went from cold to hot to cold over the span of a week.  There could not have been a bigger swing.  I have gone from the best man ever to the most horrible person on the face of the planet, then back to her soulmate.

In the past I could usually at least identify what would cause the swing to happen but now the trigger can be so minor that I don't even know what it is.  Or it is something I do that most people might consider to be a very minor annoyance and for her it means I am a monster and the relationship is over and she is moving out.  But then hours later she has changed her mind without any explanation.  Or she moves out for a few days and then comes back without any explanation.

I am hoping it will not just keep getting worse with age but unfortunately that seems like the direction it has been taking in recent years.  We have been through joint and individual counseling with some minor progress but not on the big picture.

I have found reading about being a partner of someone with BPD to be extremely helpful, particularly Loving Someone with BPD and the Stop Walking on Eggshells books if you haven't read them.  They helped me feel like I was not crazy and did give me some good strategies for the relationship.

[AlwaysWrong55]

TRB thanks for sharing your similar situation. I bought and read the Eggshells book years ago but thought it hit on most but not all of my wife's behavior and it did totally change my approach. You just never know what to expect even at times within the same day down to the hour with my wife. Vacations an Holidays, especially Christmas have become unbelievably bad each year and always involves a major eruption that would make most anyone else's meltdowns seem minor. I feel sorry for anyone who is a partner with a BPD as you never have a chance at a happy holiday and rarely for any vacation that doesn't resemble a vacation in hell. And the more people or family around doesn't help in the least. I am so opposite of my wife it's hard for people to believe we have stayed married so long. I try to avoid conflicts and resolve or at least minimize them, which always backfires on me with my wife who takes every opportunity to seize upon this trait as a weakness and that I'm not a strong man. Once a few years ago I got so fed up with this I told her I must be the toughest sob alive for taking how you treat me! She was actually speechless when I said that for a moment before back to raging. So I know how you feel and wish there was a group on this I could attend like AA to share our experiences as it does help knowing you are not alone!