Laying out my case for therapeutic separation in a letter?

[lighthouse9]

Hi everyone,

I'm worried that the divorce conversation is coming tomorrow, two days after my wife entered therapy, and I really don't want a divorce. I also think that she's still in such crisis that now really isn't the time to make such a big move. I've made my desire for reconciliation clear and have raised the idea of therapeutic separation, but never really laid out the details of what that would look like or expressed myself beyond conversations. I know the lessons say that there's no amount of writing it down or speaking more clearly that will change them, but I really want to give this one solid shot before she pulls the plug.

My therapist (DBT) suggested that maybe I present her with a plan for separation and some of the things that I desire. She's coming over on Saturday to talk and I'm considering presenting her with something like this, maybe just for my own peace of mind that I did all I could to show her that I don't think she's shameful or unworthy of our relationship. I know there is a good chance that she's already done, but it's been hard to accept with some of her push/pull behaviors. I've been better about boundaries, and a plan for therapeutic separation would be me really instituting those boundaries.

What do you all think? Should I write something up?

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[Tattered Heart]

Are you ready to follow through on the therapeutic separation? What are you expecting to come out of sharing?

I always say to take your T's advice. They've seen lots of situations before and have a good idea of how to approach various situations. Don't forget to use lots of support, empathy, truth statements.

Do you have a pretty well thought out plan on what you will ask of her during the separation? Benchmarks? Goals?

[lighthouse9]

Hi TH - thanks for the quick reply.

Yes, I can follow through. I'm already doing many of the things I would do on my end, and would absolutely be willing to hear things she needed from me if she were willing to have that conversation.

I'm not sure what I expect to come out of sharing- I don't know if she'll be able to hear me and integrate the information or not, but I'm willing to try.

I agree and thank you for the reminder about using SET. I would really like to write some of this out for her, as a reminder that I do support her and have empathy and still have my own sense of truth.

I know what I would like in terms of separation, but I'd have to think through some benchmarks. She's entered a DBT program and that's my main goal - that she work that process and in time invite me into family sessions. I'm also seeing a DBT therapist in the same practice and am so willing to learn how to better communicate with her, support her, and set my boundaries on my own. Some things I've thought through that I would need to see change in our marriage I'm not sure it is wise to bring up now and maybe better left to future sessions in therapy, when she has more skills to hear them. These things revolve around boundaries with her family (and mine) and "protecting the marriage."

One of the things I'm not sure of in the proposal is how long to go no contact. I want to show my support by giving her space, but also don't want to venture too far so she thinks I've abandoned her. I also know that the current frequency of our contact (twice a week) won't be sustainable for much longer for me, and it's still a little too loaded given some of the uncertainty and things we need to decide about housing and such. I know there's a section on the lessons about therapeutic separation, but has anyone ever done it and have a good idea on some things like benchmarks and goals?

[Tattered Heart]

Wentworth has been working through quite a bit of this lately. I'm not sure of his availability on the boards right now but you might look through some of his past posts over the last 3-4 months as he worked through laying things out.

He created a team of several therapists, lawyers, set up requirements to go through various programs, and laid out the details of communication, etc.

I would tend to agree about holding off on getting into the weeds about the future of the relationship. Right now the focus is on getting you both into a place where you can learn to communicate better, and since she just started DBT, as you said, getting some skills under her belt. This could take a couple weeks or months.

Giving her written goals might help her have something concrete to look at. It could also blow up and give her something to pick apart and obsess on. Can you write with a more neutral tone so that she cannot read more into your words than what is there? She may do that anyway, but the less emotional the letter, the easier it may be for her to receive it.

[lighthouse9]

Thanks TH!

Yes - I've been following Wentworth's posts for a bit now and he has been quite helpful.

As far as writing in a more neutral tone: I can definitely do that. I'd still like to express my love and support of her, and I think I can even put some things in the document that will help give her some reassurance that I'm not waiting around the corner to shame her with stuff she did. For example, I can agree to not talking about the affair or bringing up painful memories with her 1:1 and can agree to only discussing them with a therapist together, when the time comes for us to start doing our work together. I know that the couple of times I've inserted my experience of the affair into conversations, she's shut down completely. I have evidence of the affair, too, and I know she's extremely afraid that I'm going to blackmail her, no matter how often I've told her that I have no desire to get her in trouble for it (her job would be very upset) and how I have no intention of messing with her affair partner's marriage by telling his wife. Maybe writing that down will help, too? I know my word doesn't mean much when she's in a constant state of fear, but one hope would be that as she learns to regulate her emotions through therapy she might be able to read my words and see them as olive branches for building trust again.