Did he just want to spent the evening with me one more time?

[blooming]

Hello everyone!

My uBPD ex contacted me for the first time since our break-up (which was in the beginning of January) last thursday. It was a very strange conversation and I really don't understand what he wants. I hoped maybe you could help me, what do you think he wants?

He messaged me saying that he had been thinking about it last week and that I would really like to know how I was doing, but that he would understand if I didn't want any contact. I responded saying I wasn't doing very well but every day was a little bit better. We proceeded to have quite a normal conversation, just updating each other on our lives. I found that quite hard because he was being so normal and polite and I couldn't see a trace of his BPD traits, which made me feel like I had imagined everything etc.

But then he ended the conversation quite suddenly with some snide remarks thrown in there. I decided to ignore those remarks and just said it was nice to have talked to him and wished him good luck with his studies etc.

Then he got angry (I think he couldn't handle that I didn't react to those remarks and was the adult the conversation, he hass said before that he hates it when I do this because he feels like he can't win from me) and started accusing me of having changed since we broke up and "Why are you still said a bout the break-up if you can finally be yourself again?". I said I didn't feel like having a conversatiogn like this and wished him a good day. Then he said "Why, do you find it too confronting?" and I said "No, I just don't feel like you starting conflict again right away." He responded to this by accusing me of not talking enough to him during our the relationship.  I didn't reply to that.

Then about 20 minutes later he sent a message saying something like "I'm sorry, I'm just really angry at the situation but I won't bother you with it anymore." And I said I understood and I didn't like it either and that he didn't have to say sorry. And he then went on to say that he was angry with me/us/what happened ( he didn't say himself... .) and that he hated what had happened. I said I hated it too. Then he said that he was still worried about me and I said he had to let go of that worry, that I could take care of myself. And he said "But I'm not sure if I can take care of myself". Then he said he felt sorry for me being so insecure about myself and that I was so much more than that.  I said I was working on it with my therapist and he said that he found it a pity that he couldn't see the new confident me.

Then he started talking about the new wallpaper in his room and that it was a pity I couldn't see it, but that he wouldn't want to propose unwise/stupid things and that if he did propose them it wouldn't matter because "Blooming wouldn't agree to them anyway". I said that he was right and I just don't think it would be wise to do that sort of thing and then he said that was real pity and proceeded to talk about how he had gone to a spinning class that evening. I wished him good night and he said good night back and that was the end of the conservation.

This was on Thursday and we haven't had any contact since then.

Can you make any sense to this? Do you think he is open for a reconciliation? Or did he just want to spent the evening with me one more time? He also said during the conversation that if I wanted to drink coffee with him I should just ask. Is that an opening? Should I message him again? I just don't want to get hurt and misinterpret things. This conversation confuses me so much, especially since it's the only contact we've had in 5 weeks.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Hi,

Its hard to know what he wants. if you start slow, like with a coffee somewhere, then you can see how that goes.  Baby steps.

How long were you together.

j

[blooming]

Hi,

Its hard to know what he wants. if you start slow, like with a coffee somewhere, then you can see how that goes.  Baby steps.

How long were you together.

j

I'm just scared that if I will propose that now he won't want to go for coffee anymore, because everything needs to happen on his terms. I have never initiatied a reconciliation before, it was always him who proposed meeting up. And since he hasn't contacted me after this conversation ended, I don't think he would be open to it anymore.

We were together for about 14 months.

[enlighten me]

Something that is confusing and can be hard to come to terms with is that a pwBPD might want to reconcile but also don't. They miss you but don't miss you. They want you around but want their freedom.

Its this IMO which is the root of the push pull we see.

Yes you might be the best thing that they've ever had but guilt of their behaviour towards you and the chance of meeting someone else just as great or better counteracts that. There are things that they think are great about you but also hate. The fact you do everything for them shows you care but in the next breath shows your controlling. The fact you give them the freedom to do what they want is also seen as you not caring what they get up to so don't care about them. Everything eventually becomes a double edged sword.

[babyducks]

Hi blooming

We proceeded to have quite a normal conversation, just updating each other on our lives. I found that quite hard because he was being so normal and polite and I couldn't see a trace of his BPD traits, which made me feel like I had imagined everything etc.

BPD is a pattern of behaviors over time.   Worse with stress.   pwBPD have a hard time regulating their emotions.  think about a car without brakes.  or an engine with a funky throttle.

But then he ended the conversation quite suddenly with some snide remarks thrown in there. I decided to ignore those remarks and just said it was nice to have talked to him and wished him good luck with his studies etc.

I am guessing that his snide remarks where his way (maladaptive to be sure) of handling the stress of the conversation.    very likely when you ignored those remarks he felt invalidated.     feeling invalidated is difficult for everyone.    especially difficult for someone who suffers from highly intense, harmfully intense emotions.   have you read about validation yet?

Then he got angry (I think he couldn't handle that I didn't react to those remarks and was the adult the conversation, he hass said before that he hates it when I do this because he feels like he can't win from me)

often times 'winning' for a person with BPD is about finding a way to have their emotions recognized.  and finding a way to get their needs met.       

and started accusing me of having changed since we broke up and "Why are you still said a bout the break-up if you can finally be yourself again?". I said I didn't feel like having a conversatiogn like this and wished him a good day. Then he said "Why, do you find it too confronting?"

he is still ramping up emotionally.    on his way to dysregulation.    asking if you find it too confronting is a way to off load his emotions... .by shifting them to you.    can you see how that works for him?

and I said "No, I just don't feel like you starting conflict again right away." He responded to this by accusing me of not talking enough to him during our the relationship.  I didn't reply to that.

pwBPD have high validation needs.  so do we but for a different reason.   can I ask?   do you think there might have been a better way to respond about the conflict starting right away again?   something that would have lowered the emotional temperature of the conversation rather than to continue to ramp up the emotionality?    we spend a lot of time here talking about how to increase productive and healthy conversation with people who have disordered thinking.   It's a real skill... .like playing the violin.   it's not easy at all.    it requires practice.   it requires a high level of emotional intelligence.    it requires being an emotional leader in a conversation.

Then about 20 minutes later he sent a message saying something like "I'm sorry, I'm just really angry at the situation but I won't bother you with it anymore."

20 minutes had passed.   his emotional temperature was starting to come down.

And I said I understood and I didn't like it either and that he didn't have to say sorry. And he then went on to say that he was angry with me/us/what happened ( he didn't say himself... .)

he wouldn't say himself.   BPD is primarily a disorder of shame... .   yes I know that's hard to understand.

and that he hated what had happened. I said I hated it too. Then he said that he was still worried about me and I said he had to let go of that worry, that I could take care of myself. And he said "But I'm not sure if I can take care of myself". Then he said he felt sorry for me being so insecure about myself and that I was so much more than that.  I said I was working on it with my therapist and he said that he found it a pity that he couldn't see the new confident me.

I'm seeing a lot of projecting in this... .   what you have recounted for us is a pretty typical BPD conversation.   emotionally fraught.    intense.    needy.    with a lot of push/pull subtly happening.

Then he started talking about the new wallpaper in his room and that it was a pity I couldn't see it, but that he wouldn't want to propose unwise/stupid things and that if he did propose them it wouldn't matter because "Blooming wouldn't agree to them anyway". I said that he was right and I just don't think it would be wise to do that sort of thing and then he said that was real pity and proceeded to talk about how he had gone to a spinning class that evening. I wished him good night and he said good night back and that was the end of the conservation.

it sounds like some testing behavior was going on there.    testing to see how much of a relationship was available, how much was open to be discussed.

have you read the links about what it takes to be in a relationship with a pwBPD?   what type of committment it requires?     these are challenging relationships, they require a different level of effort and skills.    what are you hoping for with him?    what do you think is the best thing to happen?

my two cents
'ducks

[blooming]

I am guessing that his snide remarks where his way (maladaptive to be sure) of handling the stress of the conversation.    very likely when you ignored those remarks he felt invalidated.     feeling invalidated is difficult for everyone.    especially difficult for someone who suffers from highly intense, harmfully intense emotions.   have you read about validation yet?

often times 'winning' for a person with BPD is about finding a way to have their emotions recognized.  and finding a way to get their needs met.      

pwBPD have high validation needs.  so do we but for a different reason.   can I ask?   do you think there might have been a better way to respond about the conflict starting right away again?   something that would have lowered the emotional temperature of the conversation rather than to continue to ramp up the emotionality?    we spend a lot of time here talking about how to increase productive and healthy conversation with people who have disordered thinking.   It's a real skill... .like playing the violin.   it's not easy at all.    it requires practice.   it requires a high level of emotional intelligence.    it requires being an emotional leader in a conversation.

it sounds like some testing behavior was going on there.    testing to see how much of a relationship was available, how much was open to be discussed.

have you read the links about what it takes to be in a relationship with a pwBPD?   what type of committment it requires?     these are challenging relationships, they require a different level of effort and skills.    what are you hoping for with him?    what do you think is the best thing to happen?

my two cents
'ducks

I’m on my phone now and will reply in more detail in the evening when I am on my computer, but I just had to respond right away to your comment because it makes me feel so guilty. I really thought I responded to his anger in the best way because he has told me himself that it’s best to just let him say his things and not comment on them instead of feeding his anger. I am really curious to hear how you think I should have responded that would have been better? I would love to learn to handle his behaviour better!

And where can I read about validation?

[babyducks]

Hey blooming,

you're right.   I wasn't very clear was I?   It's complicated.  and it will take a bunch of posts to unpack.

I really thought I responded to his anger in the best way because he has told me himself that it’s best to just let him say his things and not comment on them instead of feeding his anger. I am really curious to hear how you think I should have responded that would have been better? I would love to learn to handle his behaviour better!

And where can I read about validation?

I thought I had pretty decent relationship skills when I got involved with my pwBPD.   I soon learned I needed Olympic caliber relationship skills.    and that meant looking beyond good/bad, right way to respond / wrong way to respond.    Really honestly blooming... .right and wrong don't help us much.

Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person's thoughts,feelings, sensations, and behaviors as understandable

Validation doesn't mean to agree with... .doesn't mean approve of.   Very very simply it means accept the other person is having an emotion.

If you take 4 giant steps backward... .and try to look at the conversation you had with him through the eyes of a stranger... .you can see how he is attempting to manage his emotions through out the conversation.   Especially the part about not feeding is anger.   

I said I didn't feel like having a conversatiogn like this and wished him a good day. Then he said "Why, do you find it too confronting?" and I said "No, I just don't like the feeling of conflict starting feel like you starting conflict again right away.

right now the conversations between the two of you are highly reactive,   both of you are highly sensitized to each others comments.   that's not an accident.   it happened for a reason.    communication skills will help lower the reactivity... .

make more sense?

'ducks

[juju2]

i get it.

you could say something like," i would like to see you, for coffee, whatever you would like.

Would you like that as well.  It would be something simple, nothing deep, just coffee and scones.  We could go today, Monday or Tuesday, after 5.  whichever works better for you.  Thank you."

because, for me, i dont want to drop communication, drop contact.

we can still be ourselves, for me I want to stay in the game, somehow... .

Hang in there, j

[blooming]

Something that is confusing and can be hard to come to terms with is that a pwBPD might want to reconcile but also don't. They miss you but don't miss you. They want you around but want their freedom.

Its this IMO which is the root of the push pull we see.

Yes you might be the best thing that they've ever had but guilt of their behaviour towards you and the chance of meeting someone else just as great or better counteracts that. There are things that they think are great about you but also hate. The fact you do everything for them shows you care but in the next breath shows your controlling. The fact you give them the freedom to do what they want is also seen as you not caring what they get up to so don't care about them. Everything eventually becomes a double edged sword.

Wow yeah this makes a lot of sense when I compare it to his behaviour. Especially when it comes to our reconcilations, it always seemed like as soon as he had me again he was bored with me already. But yeah, the fact that it makes sense doesn't make it easier. It's so difficult that you never know what they want or what you can expect from them. Like, will he contact me again? Or has he painted me black again now? I really don't know what he wants from me, if he expects me to contact him now or not.

[blooming]

Hi 'ducks!

I'm now behind my computer again, so I can type a more elaborate response. Your comments on my topic raise quite a few questions, so I really hope you will reply again.

I am guessing that his snide remarks where his way (maladaptive to be sure) of handling the stress of the conversation.    very likely when you ignored those remarks he felt invalidated.     feeling invalidated is difficult for everyone.    especially difficult for someone who suffers from highly intense, harmfully intense emotions.   have you read about validation yet?

I think I should probably elaborate a bit on the snide remarks, maybe then it will make more sense that I decided to ignore them. They were remarks he has made about a million times before, about the rowing association we were both a member of, but which he quit at the beginning of this year because he had painted the association and pretty much every member of it totally black (which is quite hypocritical because he met all his friends there). I was still a member, but he tried very hard to make my time there a lot less fun. I went less and less because I just couldn't handle the fact that he was always so negative about me being there and all the people I spent time their with. So now he made remarks about the fact that I was going to live with people from that association in my new house and that I was thinking about applying for the board of the association (which he must have heard of his friends) and I just really wasn't in the mood for these things that I have heard soo many times before.

Would he have felt validated if I had commented on them? If I have gotten angry about it? I just don't understand why he wants me to get angry at him, he has literally said to me in the past that he says these hurtful things on purpose just to get a reaction from me because he doesn't understand how I can't react to them. But I don't want to turn into a person I am not for him. I don't like conflict. I don't understand why he does.

often times 'winning' for a person with BPD is about finding a way to have their emotions recognized.  and finding a way to get their needs met.

This makes a lot of sense and actually explains his behaviour a bit more. I just don't understand why he needs to 'win' by bringing others down/hurting them. That makes zero sense to me. There are other ways to get your emotions recognized right? It wasn't like I never asked him how he was feeling, it's just that he could never put to words how he was feeling. He always had a really hard time expressing his feelings.     

he is still ramping up emotionally.    on his way to dysregulation.    asking if you find it too confronting is a way to off load his emotions... .by shifting them to you.    can you see how that works for him?

No I can't really see how that works for him! Could you maybe explain? Do you mean that he doesn't want to confront his own emotions so he projects them on me?

[/quote]pwBPD have high validation needs.  so do we but for a different reason.   can I ask?   do you think there might have been a better way to respond about the conflict starting right away again?   something that would have lowered the emotional temperature of the conversation rather than to continue to ramp up the emotionality?    we spend a lot of time here talking about how to increase productive and healthy conversation with people who have disordered thinking.   It's a real skill... .like playing the violin.   it's not easy at all.    it requires practice.   it requires a high level of emotional intelligence.    it requires being an emotional leader in a conversation.[/quote]

So this part really hurt. I really thought that I handled his behaviour in the best way possible because he told me himself that this was what I should do when I felt this way (although when he was behaving in this way and I told him that he always got angry, it was in his sane moments that he said that that was the best tactic, that I should just give him some space and let him calm down and not fuel his fire). So how do you think I should have responded? How could I have lowered the emotional temperature of the conversation?

I'm seeing a lot of projecting in this... .   what you have recounted for us is a pretty typical BPD conversation.   emotionally fraught.    intense.    needy.    with a lot of push/pull subtly happening.

Yes my therapist also said that this conversation was a perfect example of how a BPD communicates. But that doesn't make it easier to handle. I just don't know what I should do with all the information and all the feelings he has given me in this conversation. Especially because he hasn't contacted me anymore afterwards, so I just don't know what to do with it all.

it sounds like some testing behavior was going on there.    testing to see how much of a relationship was available, how much was open to be discussed.

But it wasn't like he really wanted to reconcile and actually try again when it comes to a true relationship right? To me it came across more as just a way to get me in his bed and that's not something I'm willing to consider, because just having a one night stand or some sort of FWB relationship will only hurt us both I think.

have you read the links about what it takes to be in a relationship with a pwBPD?   what type of committment it requires?     these are challenging relationships, they require a different level of effort and skills.    what are you hoping for with him?    what do you think is the best thing to happen?

No I haven't read those links because I always thought the situation was hopeless and that there was no way he wanted me back.

The best thing for us to happen in my opinion is a true reconciliation, I am willing to give it my all for another shot. I'm just not sure he is. I really think, also from the above conversation, that he isn't interested in anything like that. And I'm scared that if I contact him again he will just be very negative and not interested in meeting up or anything. Especially because I know he's also seeing other women and maybe he's found a someone new again.

[blooming]

Hey blooming,

you're right.   I wasn't very clear was I?   It's complicated.  and it will take a bunch of posts to unpack.

Haha yeah I got that feeling already, it's a whole new insight which I don't really understand.

I thought I had pretty decent relationship skills when I got involved with my pwBPD.   I soon learned I needed Olympic caliber relationship skills.    and that meant looking beyond good/bad, right way to respond / wrong way to respond.    Really honestly blooming... .right and wrong don't help us much.

So how and where did you learn the skills? And did your pwBPD respond well to it? I'm just scared that it's too late for me.

Validation doesn't mean to agree with... .doesn't mean approve of.   Very very simply it means accept the other person is having an emotion.

But I feel like I have never not accepted his emotions, I wish he would have expressed them more, maybe than I could have helped him better. I have no problem at all with expressing/sharing/talking about emotions, so it was never my intention to ignore his. There's nothing I want more than to understand his emotions and to help him process them.

If you take 4 giant steps backward... .and try to look at the conversation you had with him through the eyes of a stranger... .you can see how he is attempting to manage his emotions through out the conversation.   Especially the part about not feeding is anger.

Which part about feeding his anger? And how do you see form this that he's attempting to manage his emotions? I don't really understand what you mean by that you can see him attempting to mange his emotions in the conversation. From which do you draw that conclusion?

right now the conversations between the two of you are highly reactive,   both of you are highly sensitized to each others comments.   that's not an accident.   it happened for a reason.    communication skills will help lower the reactivity... .

Wow, that's quite a shocker! I thought that I wasn't reacting that sensitized to his comments and wasn't very highly reactive, because I didn't let him anger me or let him draw me into his conflict and I didn't beg him for anything or something. I'm interested in your view! Why do you see our conversation as highly reactive?

[blooming]

I just hate how much this has set me back. It has given me so much hope again. Hope I can't do anything with, because I do not think he wants to reconcile. Otherwise he would have contacted me again. I just hate that he did this to me. Left me so confused again. I am again checking his social media all the time, he's back in my thoughts 24/7, whereas before it was already 20/7 or something so I was making progress. I just don't know what to do. Should I contact him? Ask if he's still interested in that coffee? Or should I not interpret that conversation in that way? And I know he's already dating others, so I probably won't have a chance. I just feel so lost in my own thoughts and don't know on which of them I should act.

[juju2]

Sometimes, even if it's hard, just try.  And so, this is what our T. suggested.  low stress.

like, would like to meet you for coffee thursday or Friday, after 5, whichever day works best for you.  would like to see you and have light conversation... .(that way, you are reassuring him no drama, etc)

my story is, we were together 10 yrs, ups, downs, a lot of stuff.  We separated in march last yr, i thought to work on ourselves.  we had become toxic to eachother... .
he dxuntreatedBPD thought it was something different, he heard i didnt love him anymore. 

Fast forward, we started couples counseling in late nov, we are starting from ground zero, to see if we can start w a foundation of friendship.  Our T. said we had no foundation, to work out our issues.  so we are only looking to now, not the past

it seems to be working.  each week it is better and better, small things. 
this community has helped me so much.  I didnt understand somehow, how big BPD is.  I was doing a lot of things wrong.

best, j

[blooming]

Sometimes, even if it's hard, just try.  And so, this is what our T. suggested.  low stress.

like, would like to meet you for coffee thursday or Friday, after 5, whichever day works best for you.  would like to see you and have light conversation... .(that way, you are reassuring him no drama, etc)

my story is, we were together 10 yrs, ups, downs, a lot of stuff.  We separated in march last yr, i thought to work on ourselves.  we had become toxic to eachother... .
he dxuntreatedBPD thought it was something different, he heard i didnt love him anymore. 

Fast forward, we started couples counseling in late nov, we are starting from ground zero, to see if we can start w a foundation of friendship.  Our T. said we had no foundation, to work out our issues.  so we are only looking to now, not the past

it seems to be working.  each week it is better and better, small things. 
this community has helped me so much.  I didnt understand somehow, how big BPD is.  I was doing a lot of things wrong.

best, j

I'm really glad to hear that you are working things out with your partner! I don't think my uBPD ex would ever be open to anything like that, since he doesn't want to see his own mistakes/issues and blames everything on me. And therapy "just isn't for him".

His birthday is on the 24th, so I think maybe I'll text him then to wish him a happy birthday and ask if his offer for coffee still stands.

[babyducks]

Hi blooming,

I apologize for the late reply.   

I was/am thinking about my experience with my pwBPD.     your experience may be different, people with this disorder, or the traits of it, are unique and complicated and while they may share certain behavior and perspectives they do express them differently.

Over on detatching Mutt has a thread up:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=314522.0

I'm going to borrow part of Mutt's thread because it aims at where I was going:

Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
""If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship."

The highlight is mine.

I learned about validation and how to do it here.     I practiced with people on threads.    Just finding a post and finding a way to validate the Original Poster's experience.    Here is one of the workshops on validation.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0

Let me throw this idea out about the rowing association:

I think I should probably elaborate a bit on the snide remarks, maybe then it will make more sense that I decided to ignore them. They were remarks he has made about a million times before, about the rowing association we were both a member of, but which he quit at the beginning of this year because he had painted the association and pretty much every member of it totally black (which is quite hypocritical because he met all his friends there). I was still a member, but he tried very hard to make my time there a lot less fun. I went less and less because I just couldn't handle the fact that he was always so negative about me being there and all the people I spent time their with. So now he made remarks about the fact that I was going to live with people from that association in my new house and that I was thinking about applying for the board of the association (which he must have heard of his friends) and I just really wasn't in the mood for these things that I have heard soo many times before.

people who are organized at the borderline level struggle to get their emotional needs met.   here is what I see going on at the core of this conversation, on the surface it may be about rowing, the association, the people in it, and the time you spend there, but if you peel off the layers of the onion it's about who is more valuable,   who gets more attention, who is more liked in the association.

still with me?

I would have attempted a validation,  something along the lines of "I understand you are having/have had  a rough patch with the rowing club.     I can see why you would feel uncomfortable some of the things that you experienced.   Still I enjoy my time there and the people I hang with.  I think you and I see this differently."

that would work for me because I naturally talk that way.    you would have to put it in your own words.    what I am attempting to do is validate him,... .yeah he is having a rough patch with the rowing club,... .but... .he doesn't get to over write your reality with his... .   I am not JADE'ing... .justifying, arguing, defending or explaining... .and I am not willing to end up in a circular argument or conversation where the same comments get made a million times.    what I am trying to say is blooming's bf I get it... .you have a difference of opinion... .I see your point.   I don't share your point and that's okay.   we can see this differently and still be all right.

so what do you think?   anything click?

'ducks   

[blooming]

Hi blooming,

I apologize for the late reply.   

I was/am thinking about my experience with my pwBPD.     your experience may be different, people with this disorder, or the traits of it, are unique and complicated and while they may share certain behavior and perspectives they do express them differently.

Over on detatching Mutt has a thread up:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=314522.0

I'm going to borrow part of Mutt's thread because it aims at where I was going:

The highlight is mine.

I learned about validation and how to do it here.     I practiced with people on threads.    Just finding a post and finding a way to validate the Original Poster's experience.    Here is one of the workshops on validation.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0

Let me throw this idea out about the rowing association:

people who are organized at the borderline level struggle to get their emotional needs met.   here is what I see going on at the core of this conversation, on the surface it may be about rowing, the association, the people in it, and the time you spend there, but if you peel off the layers of the onion it's about who is more valuable,   who gets more attention, who is more liked in the association.

still with me?

I would have attempted a validation,  something along the lines of "I understand you are having/have had  a rough patch with the rowing club.     I can see why you would feel uncomfortable some of the things that you experienced.   Still I enjoy my time there and the people I hang with.  I think you and I see this differently."

that would work for me because I naturally talk that way.    you would have to put it in your own words.    what I am attempting to do is validate him,... .yeah he is having a rough patch with the rowing club,... .but... .he doesn't get to over write your reality with his... .   I am not JADE'ing... .justifying, arguing, defending or explaining... .and I am not willing to end up in a circular argument or conversation where the same comments get made a million times.    what I am trying to say is blooming's bf I get it... .you have a difference of opinion... .I see your point.   I don't share your point and that's okay.   we can see this differently and still be all right.

so what do you think?   anything click?

'ducks   

I have tried to validate him like that already countless of times. Saying that I understood how he felt and that I was sorry for his experience and his feelings. That he didn't have to worry about the whole association hating him (he thought that because of everything that happened with his ex and some people at the association know about that), because it wasn't the case and pretty much everyone liked him there. I told him that I understood that he found it difficult that I was still spending my time there, but that it would be very nice if he could just let me be. Just let this difference of opinion be and respect eachother in it.
Or something along those lines. Very similar to what you wrote at least.

I have said that so many times before, but he never tried to understand me and always stayed angry about it. If I would have said something along those lines in that conversation he would probably have reacted something like that "I don't care, have fun with your so called friends there, I don't want to see you again", because he has said stuff like that before.