I have loved you with an everlasting love (Christian discussion)

[Tattered Heart]

I'm extremely sad today. Tears are just under the surface. I cried through my commute this morning. The tears were for myself.

H has been pretty self absorbed lately which has left me feeling a little lonely. I've been looking at my own withdraw from emotions. Last night as I laid down to sleep I began to think about love. I'm reading a book called Hiding From Love about the 4 basic needs that all children need in order to have healthy adult relationships and it's opened up some pretty raw areas in my life that were not given to me by my parents.

I asked myself "What does love look like?" Would I even really recognize it if I saw it? I honestly do not know. I cannot think of one single person who has truly loved me in my whole life. I don't know if I have ever truly loved anyone either. Am I even capable of loving? I thought of people in my life. I like my friends. But I never miss them when we don't talk. It's the exact same with my mom and sisters. My H and I say we love each other, but the fact that I'm even on this board shows that our "love" is unhealthy.

At times it seems as if I am empty of emotions. I'm blank inside. I have 3 basic emotions: sad, angry, and content. Never joyful. Happy at times, but not excited, eager, hopeful. I've become dull. Blunted.

As I sat there crying over the lack of love in my life I heard God whisper to my soul: "I have loved you with an everlasting love  I love you when your husband can't. My love is a perfect love that casts out all fear. You are not empty  You are filled with My Spirit. And my Spirit is full of joy."
(References: Jer 31:3; 1 John 4:18; Isaiah 55:11; Acts 4:31, Eph 5:18, Gal 5:22-23)

I found these words so comforting. I felt peaceful. Before turning off the light, I opened Facebook and a friend posted this: "We love each other because he loved us first (1 John 4:19)." This was just one more confirmation of the very subject I was wrestling with. I am able to love because of God's love for me.

My fears of being unable to love were just lies. The truth is that at the moment Jesus became my Lord, the Holy Spirit entered and I am now capable of love. Before that, I was just a sinner, full of all sorts of vile works. I spent some time repenting of failing to love and failing to trust God in loving others. I believe some true healing took place.

I think today's tears are part of that healing process. I'm grieving for the love that I did not receive as a child and that I do not receive from my H now. But I think God is working out that healing and in a couple weeks or months that healing will be seen completely. I believe that very soon I will begin to experience all ranges of emotion and I'll find myself feeling love for others in a way that is completely unknown to me now.

This healing is necessary for me to begin to truly love myself enough to do whatever it takes to live in a marriage with someone with BPD. My love, for myself, for others, and for my H, has to run deeper than the surface because if not, it will always be dependent on someone else's opinion of me. His criticisms or lack of connection with me will continue to control me, tossing me about.

The truths about who I am are not found in my mom's affection for me or in my H's words. They are found in the word of God, which is "alive and active. Sharper than any doubled-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul (mind, will, emotions) and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. (Heb 4:12)." This is how I combat the words of the enemy of my soul.

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[EdR]

I am a Christian as well.

The weird thing is:
I sometimes see my current situation and life as a genuine proof of my relationship with God.

I have made some very different choices than a lot of my friends. I chose to live according to God's will. At least I tried and try to. I am very much able to love and care about people and I genuinely do care a lot about people.

But these different choices have made me almost an outcast at times in my extremely secular home town and country.
And my caring love was and is most often not met with caring love in return. Sex and a superficial life style and living a more self centered life in general would make my life so much easier. But I would not only betray my Faith, I would really betray who I actually am deep down.
I never knew whether I have become this man because of my Faith or that my Faith feels so right because of who I am as a person. A chicken and egg discussion really... .

But just like Jesus, his disciples cannot be expected to live a care free live. He got betrayed, persecuted, hated by lots of people. And His followers may very much still walk in these same footsteps.

I just hope and pray He will carry me from time to time... .

[JoeBPD81]

John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

I heard that since I was a baby. And believed it. It meant for me: My life has the same meaning than any other son of God, the same value.

Luke 22:27 For who is greater, the one who reclines at the table or the one who serves? Is not the one who reclines? But I am among you as the One who serves.

I always understood loving someone as put him/her first. Giving yourself for the good of others is a chance to experience the biggest love, a present that is there for as to take it.

At a wedding the priest said: Marriage is a contest about who can be more generous, and both people win. Wouldn't it be nice?

I always understood loving oneself as a sin. So later in life it was, or is, a concept that I don't understand. I understand to take care of myself or I'll have nothing to give. But loving myself... .I just don't get it.

I am unhappy in my RS in more than one sense. But I believe I'm giving (lending, rather)my life, so 3 people find forgiveness, and compassion, in a world that never gave them that. They have a chance of breaking the cycle of hate and violence and doomed lives that has been in their families for generations. I know I have the choice of being much happier myself by leaving. But will I have a better chance to serve?

I wish I could see a sign that told me that I'm doing the right thing. But my moral compass tells me I do, even as I don't see the results.

“Where there is no love, put love -- and you will find love.” ― San Juan de la Cruz

I don't think Jesus said "do this for a while, and if you have no reward, then leave". We fail God in all possible ways and still, He loves us. LOVE has to be unconditional, if not, it is bargaining, it is something else. At least in my book. It is easier to love someone who loves you back. But He asked us to even love our enemies. Who's up for that task?

My parents told me all this, but I didn't see them loving each other, they didn't even like each other much. And they weren't very affectionate with us kids. So I've given it all a lot of thought.

I believe we can turn ourselves in fountains of love. In sources of light. And we can find joy in the act of loving, in giving. If only we can stop focusing in what we get in return.

Many of us are so damaged that this seems like rainbows and unicorns talk,right? Life doesn't seem to work like that. People don't seem to work like that. But I tell you this, it is important if we can see the concept, even if we don't reach it, even if it gets mixed with other worldly worries. Don't take my word for it:

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. John 13:34

[waitingwife]

Hi TH,
First of all hugs to you

[Skip]

I think of this verse almost every day.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

These are good words to love by.

Romans 12:10: “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves."

Is it that we receives God's love and we, in turn, are to show others the love he gives to us.

I have periods were I lamented on not having the love I wanted but have come to realize that (for me) love is about me giving love to others as I am loved by God.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi TH  ,

I can so relate to your post. I felt incredibly lonely inside my r/s, as my h was extremely self-centered. All my energy was spent between keeping up with his ever-changing and relentless demands and caring for s2. There was no room left for me. Add to this the amount of verbal, emotional and physical abuse I endured and I was left feeling like a wrung out washrag flung on the side of the tub. Even so, in the absence of the abuse, I now don't know what to do with the quiet times. I find myself drifting into reflection and sinking into the sorrow of my situation, which is not healthy nor very pleasant. Sometimes I start to think about all the people I know who have close family or significant other relationships, and how I am lacking in that, and I get sad and start feeling sorry for myself.

But then God lets me know, ever so gently, that He has not left me nor forsaken me.

Today was Valentine's Day. I work in a restaurant. All day I waited on people who were having nice dinners with their SO's. Co-workers were talking about what they got for V day, or what they got their SO for V day. I told myself it didn't bother me, because I never was big on Valentine's Day. But it got to me a little. I mean, my h is in jail for assaulting me. V day is not my favorite day right now.

But, some of my co-workers, knowing my situation, were thoughtful enough to get me a little present for Valentine's. It made me feel so special that they would extend such a kind gesture, especially when they are young and in love and engaged and happy. I really believe God put it on their hearts to do it, and in that way He reminded me that to Him, every day is Valentine's Day where His children are concerned.

I, like you, was not even sure if I knew what love was. My only experience with it had been in dysfunctional and unhealthy situations. I had no baseline to refer to for "true love." So here lately I have been trying to study in the Word about what love really is. God is love. He is the baseline for what love really is, so to understand love I have to look to God as the example.

I used to feel that since God loved everyone, He therefore loved me by default. Like I got in on some kind of group rate ticket to Heaven. It has been a challenge for me to accept His personal love for me. That is why I am studying His love in the Word. I do believe that we, as Christians, are supposed to show the love of Christ to the world. We cannot give what we do not have, so first we must receive His love for us. We also are commanded to love each other as well as God (Matt 22:37-40) and God will never command something that He will not equip us to do.

"I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." (Isaiah 46:4)

"But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love for us, made us alive with Christ even though we were dead in trespasses. You are saved by grace!" (Ephesians 2:4-5)

"Righteousness and justice are the foundation of Your throne; faithful love and truth go before You." (Psalm 89:14)

"It is good to praise Yahweh, to sing praise to Your name Most High, to declare Your faithful love in the morning and Your faithfulness at night" (Psalm 92:1-2)

"I spread out my hands to You; I am like parched land before you. Answer me quickly, Lord; y spirit fails. Don't hide Your face from me, or I will be like those going down into the Pit. Let me experience Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You." (Psalm 143:7-8)

These are just some of the verses I came across that reflect God's love.

You are in my prayers, TH. And I absolutely think God is working out your healing for you. (Romans 8:28, Psalm 56:8). God bless.

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

And another one: Psalm 27:10: Even if my father and mother abandon me,You will hold me close.

[waitingwife]

Not sure why my reply is getting deleted

[waitingwife]

  Tattered Heart

Hi TH,
First of all hugs to you

[Lakebreeze]

TH,
I'm sorry for all the heart ache you have been enduring. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, though. I have certainly had these dark days as well. Feelings so unloved and numb. I've leaned about BPD and codependency the past year but the real transformation has come with the spiritual journey that it has been. Walking away from co dependency means Turning inward and finding feelings you didn't know you had.  Turning to God. Finding hope and peace. And seeking Love.

I recently heard a sermon on "Love one another." How it's not a suggestion, or an idea. It's a command. Love one another, not when the feeling is there, or if you can. But always. Because of God's love you can, and are commanded to do it always. Not always easy, and likely at time the hardest thing we have to do.
Thanks for the thoughts TH. And I hope you feel the warmth and peace of God's love today.

[Chippy]

Tattered Heart,

Sorry for your heartache.  I don't want to repeat what others have already said, so just a few points

As I sat there crying over the lack of love in my life I heard God whisper to my soul: "I have loved you with an everlasting love  I love you when your husband can't. My love is a perfect love that casts out all fear. You are not empty  You are filled with My Spirit. And my Spirit is full of joy."
(References: Jer 31:3; 1 John 4:18; Isaiah 55:11; Acts 4:31, Eph 5:18, Gal 5:22-23)

That is quite beautiful, and a good reminder that when we feel unloved (or even worse, unlovable) that we still have His perfect love.

This healing is necessary for me to begin to truly love myself enough to do whatever it takes to live in a marriage with someone with BPD. My love, for myself, for others, and for my H, has to run deeper than the surface because if not, it will always be dependent on someone else's opinion of me. His criticisms or lack of connection with me will continue to control me, tossing me about.

Very much so, and something we all tend to forget that even in regular everyday life we need to love and accept ourselves first. This is even bigger when coping with a loved one wBPD. I think we all tend to internalize the way they treat us, at least to some degree... .When we are told daily that we aren't good enough, are doing things wrong, or any of the other various manifestations that BPD can take on, we start to believe it (at least that's my experience). 

And Skip brought up one of my favorites:

I think of this verse almost every day.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

I absolutely love this verse for two main reasons.  The first: It describes the kind of perfect love that God has for us. That no matter how much we screw up, His love for us is still there.
The second reason: It is a guide for life.  Being the flawed beings we are, we rarely (if ever) reach that level of perfect love, but it shows us the direction to go... .forgive others, be patient and kind, and that we can strive to love absolutely... .We can love someone even if they don't love us back, if they hurt us, if others think its wrong, even if we cannot be in a relationship or even around that person, we can still love them.

[Tattered Heart]

Thank you everyone.

Skip, Yes. God loves us so we love others. This is how we glorify him. They will know him by how we love the world and how we love each other.

But I take it even further. We are capable of love only because he first loved us. I would have to go into some bigger theological topics about total depravity of man and an inability to do anything good prior to salvation.

Chippy, 1 Cor 13 is a great way to give up an example of what perfect love looks like. It's also a good measure for how my H treats me and how I treat him. And when I read through that list it really helps me feel much more compassion for my H because I can look at how often he is not kind or angry or jealous, but in the next breath I see that I've been selfish and prideful and keeping a record of wrongs. My lack of giving love is no different than his lack of giving. It just looks different.

I Am Redeemed. Thank you for those verses. They got me a little choked up reading them.

Last night I got home and saw an article by David Platt on FB talking about romantic love vs. God's love and every single thing that I had cried out to God two nights ago was answered right there in the article. Same verses. Almost the same wording. I always look for confirmations of what God is speaking, teaching, or working with me on through 3s. (By the mouth of 2 or 3 witnesses every word shall be established. 1 Cor 13:1)

I really am doing ok today. I purposely went into these subjects so that I can find closure and healing. The last year on this board has been directing me to this place. Now that I'm no longer blaming and focusing so much energy on my H it stirs up the things in me that are broken. (I guess I project onto him, just as much as he projects onto me). I've blamed him for all my problems, but now that excuse is gone, it's time to really get to work on myself.

[waitingwife]

Hi TH,
First of all hugs to you

[Tattered Heart]

Just read this and it really hits on Radical Acceptance and healing:

Make sadness your ally instead of your enemy. Sadness or grief allows you to let go of what you  cannot  have in order to make room in your heart for what you can have.

We must not confuse sadness with depression. Depression is the inability to process loss or rage  . It’s a heavy paralysis of the soul that won’t allow it to finish resolving a problem. Sadness is actually the antidote to depression.

Depression is static and unmoving, but sadness moves toward resolving loss.   Grieving prepares us for love.  When we are ready, sadness in. It’s season is over.

[Fracturedheart88]

Thank you for posting this.  Your honesty and transparency truly touched my heart.  I often feel unloved by H and in those moments of despair it is God's love that sustains me.  Have you read Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge?  It speaks about our need, as women, to feel like we are captivating but the truth is, we need to seek that knowledge in God's love for us. It's a tough read but a beautiful and affirming one.

Anyway, thank you for your courage and I'd like to encourage you to keep seeking your worth in the Word of God.  You are a precious daughter of the King and he loves you dearly.

Abundant blessings ... .

 

[Tattered Heart]

I haven't read that. I do enjoy John Eldridge's books. I would be interested in learning his wife's POV.