'I'm done' Email to the Husband

[aboundaries]

Hi Brothers and Sisters of this Board,

24 years married, and I'm sure he won't know what to do with a letter like this. But when it's done, it's done. I sent it today.

Best of luck to you all!

":)ear _____,

At this point you are going to do what ever you are going to do. Thank you for making this clear.

1:   I have come to the obvious conclusion and realization that I mean exactly nothing to you as an individual. I'm just an object that you can place on a pedestal when you happen to be in a good mood, then be bat around between your self loathing and self hatred when it suits you. Anyway, I'm all chewed up like a dog's tennis ball and I'm just done.

2:   You'll never get that you are harming others with your behavior. You bully with Christianity and shaming. "Submit and confess." Who says that kind of thing to their wife? When I sincerely apologize for something, you can't just accept it and move on. You shame and belittle and try to preach at me.  And you can't see what you need to apologize for and change in yourself.

3:    It was self serving to keep me around to spew your darkness and vitriolic acid on when you hated yourself and needed someone else to torture besides yourself. I rejected the dark thoughts you were vomiting out that day when your mask fell off, because I didn't want to believe it. I believe it now. I was sorry for you but not really any more, when you have been given so many chances and opportunities to grow and mature, and you can't do it.  

We are officially done. I've been pushed past the last limit.

Peace out."

[smart_storm26]

Hello aboundaries,

It looks like you have taken an important step and decided to isolate yourself from this toxic relationship. Its not easy. I want to give you props and you have my utmost respect for deciding to stand up for yourself. Know this that nobody has a right to snatch happiness from someone's life and if he was doing that for you, you have done the right thing.

I am currently in a stage where I am going to do the same thing. Again its not easy because nons like you and me, we truly loved, we truly cared, we truly wanted to help. But its hard to see someone taking our love and care for granted. That's why it hurt so much.

But keep in mind one thing. If I understand BPD well, your husband in the fear of being abandoned, is going to play nice, make 'helpless puppy face' and try to bring you back into the relationship with lots of promises of getting better and will be ready to listen to everything you have to say. The person who you could never reach, never help understand, will suddenly become understanding, patient and acknowledging. But know that such improvements take time and cannot happen overnight. It will probably be desperation rather than a long term improvement plan. My point is do not let him oblige you or guilt trip you and bring you back into the relationship again. Right now you need to be far from him and rediscover who you were before this relationship. You need the 'alone' time right now. I wish you good luck on the coming days. May you find happiness again

[aboundaries]

It isn't easy, is it. I wish you the very best. We know it's been a long time in the making, but when you know... .you just know.

The biggest thing he'll hold over me is the promises, and assurances I made to our 16 yr old boy over the last year that we were not getting divorced.

I suppose at this time, it would be no big surprise to our son, but at the same time, H knows it breaks my heart.

H has been begging, pleading, demanding a divorce in the last half year, and I have simply said no, knowing that he is just in self-destruct mode. Part of me thought I could save him from himself.

However his continuous self-destructive behavior, and blatant disregard for me as a person is making it so clear what I need to do. And he is hell bent on trying to drive us into the ground financially.

Smart, do you think it will take a certain event to be a catalyst to make your move, or will you just know when it's time? What are you going to do? What is holding you back?

[smart_storm26]

"The biggest thing he'll hold over me is the promises, and assurances I made to our 16 yr old boy over the last year that we were not getting divorced."

They are experts at making you feel guilty for healthy decisions you take for yourself. If he was so concerned for the kids of seeing a future divorce, he should have tried taking responsibility and sorting out his mess and his own issues. But No, everything will be dumped on your shoulders. Don't let him guilt trip you and stay strong.


"Smart, do you think it will take a certain event to be a catalyst to make your move, or will you just know when it's time? What are you going to do? What is holding you back?"

That event has already happened and nothing is holding me back right now. When I told you I am in a similar stage, I meant that I too am about to separate and write a similar letter to her. What broke the camel's back for me was when she physically attacked me the 7th time. Her physical attacks have left permanent scars on my body. When she had attacked me the 5th time out of rage, I laid down an ultimatum that if this repeats again, I am going to leave. She made so many promises then that it won't happen again. Guess what it happened the 6th time in a month. Even then I forgave her. But then when it happened the 7th time, I told myself I have had enough and have decided to separate. I am currently planning my exit to reduce the aftermath drama. I am going to write a similar letter soon.

[aboundaries]

Yikes. I'm so sorry you are dealing with that. The promises are so sincere... .at the moment. No one deserves to be raged on. Scars? Just no. None of this is okay. You sound resolute in your plan. This is good. I'm happy for you. You can make it!

[Pencil sketch]

I was with my ex for just over 2 yrs, so can imagine the pain this causes.
Mine used very underhanded tactics, if I messaged, she would call, and for reasons, I don't understand, always threw the ball back in my court, when I suggested, if she wants me out of her life that much, why doesn't she just not respond, or better still, change her number. I now see, I was doing her a favour, by switching numbers, she can't contact me, and conversely, I know hers, and will I 'break'
My last message, reiterated what you said, no one should have to take such drastic action, to gain peace.
She has no means of contact, and that in itself, gives me choices, that if I fail, i will be responsible for.
Hurt comes in many forms, but emotional pain, brought about by someone you love, is by far, the most destructive.
I have never experienced anything like this in my life, but will learn valuable lessons.
I just wish, they could have a moment of clarity, and just experience what we feel, for even a second.
I wish you peace.

[Speck]

Dear aboundaries,

It certainly seems as though you have had enough. I applaud your sense of self and need to step back for your own health and wellness. Good for you! It's a very hard thing to do after such a long-term relationship, so I'm sure you've put a great deal of thought into your exit strategy. I hope your husband understands where you're coming from and agrees to separate with as little drama as possible.

Please feel free to make yourself at home, here - tell us more about what is going on your life and what, if any, plans you might have for the future. I look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing.


-Speck

[aboundaries]

He responded and said that I took the comments about Submit and Confess out of context, and that he wants to stay married.

I forwarded him 2 texts (there are many more) that he had sent to me begging for divorce. One was only 1 week ago and the other was within a month.

He has now agreed to an uncontested divorce, and is asking for half the assets. I'm fine with this, it's fair. As much as he doesn't deserve it, sitting on his behind for years while I worked mine off. I'm angry yes. But I get to be in charge of my own finances now, and protect what I have.

I'm so thankful... .but of course, expect this could blow up and then have it contested, and spend thousands on litigation, but we are headed in the right direction for the moment.

This is so stressful.

[Speck]

This is so stressful.

I know, it is! I'm going through the same exact thing right now. An uncontested divorce. Everything's been signed, and I'm just waiting for the judge to sign off on it.

You are not alone. Hang in there!


-Speck

[aboundaries]

I'm so happy for you Speck! What a relief... .I'm sure coupled with so many other emotions.

Mine just turned contentious. He is going to call lawyers in the morning. What a pipe dream to think it could be civil. LOL.

He wanted me to quit claim my rights to all the equity in the house we are building and still stay on the loan. Me thinks not. Do they really think we are that stupid?

[Speck]

Hello again, aboundaries:

I'm so happy for you Speck! What a relief... .I'm sure coupled with so many other emotions.

Yes.  It's a bittersweet kinda thing. I am saddened by the whole thing, but also feel as though I barely made it out of a burning building alive.

Do they really think we are that stupid?

He's probably just assessing your financial acumen. He may try to get away with whatever you'll allow. But, I'm sure you're too savvy for that. Sounds like you need to call a lawyer as well. I'm sure you know that.

Keep us posted on how things are going for you. Hang tough!


-Speck