Just need some encouragement

[Sedrich64]

Hi everyone. I have been married to my husband for almost 19 years. He is a hard-working, self-sufficient man who can be so kind, thoughtful and loving. But then there's the other side of him... .mean, callous, demeaning, arrogant, explosive. I've been telling him for years that I never know what I'm going to get... the nice husband or the mean one. There is a strong family history of mental illness... .his grandmother and aunts are all diagnosed with bipolar, and his sister also has issues. We have been in and out of marital counseling for years. It has helped somewhat, but the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde cycles have continued. I would have left years ago but we have a son who has special needs and he loves his dad. And I love him. He can be a wonderful man. But I do not trust him anymore, at least not with my emotions. Just when things seem to be getting better and I think I can relax, boom! He does or says something that pulls the rug out from under me. I have been in counseling steadily for about 2 years to help me cope. He finally agreed to see a psychiatrist about 1.5 years ago and was diagnosed with severe depression and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. But after researching  and reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, I truly believe he (and his sister) have BPD. Last fall I left for about a month; during that time the psychiatrist changed his medication. I set some limits and he seemed to be doing better. He had continued counseling, we both attended classes at church about how a man/woman feels loved, and we've been doing a Bible Study on Boundaries in Marriage. For about 2-3 months, everything seemed great. We were able to talk about sensitive topics without him getting defensive and explosive, he acknowledged how hurtful his behaviors and actions had been, and I began to relax.  Then, like clockwork, it happened again. The false accusations that come out of nowhere, the no-win situations, the blaming, the little demeaning actions that he knows will hurt my feelings, "forgetting" things we agreed upon, throwing me under the bus, twisting my words, defensive anger.  I feel like the only way I can stay in this relationship is to totally disengage emotionally and look at him as a business partner. And that is not a marriage.  I have no sexual desire for him. I don't even want to be around him, even when he's acting super nice like he is now. People who know us have a hard time believing that he acts this way because he is usually so nice and respectful. Our pastor is the only one who seems to "get it". I fully believe all things are possible with God, but I'm losing hope. And I am heartbroken. I don't want to split up my family, but I can't live like this anymore. The stress has literally made me sick. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

You are in the right place, am glad you found us.  Welcome!

There are tools here, experience, strength, and hope... .

Reaching the bottom can be a good thing, I look around and ask for help, which is how i got here... .

I get it you are at the end of your rope.  Recognizing where you are is the first part of being vulnerable and getting help.

Read here, post more about what exactly you are going thru.  When i can start to see my part, where my triggers are, I can work on that.

What I can't see, I can't work on.

You will be o.k.

You found experience, strength, and hope here.

Hang in there!

juju

[zachira]

I read your post, and admire everything you have done to have a loving relationship with your husband. You have reached your limit and are starting to feel that you cannot trust him anymore, and this is breaking your heart. Know that expressing your feelings and being heard can help you to feel better, even though all of this is painful beyond words. Have you considered going to a marriage counselor to tell your husband in a safe environment how you feel and to work on how you are going to go forward? It sounds like your husband may need some additional help with his mental illness. There is a very well know successful treatment called DBT for Borderline Personality Disorder, and since you are starting to suspect this may be the problem, it could help to discuss this with your husband's psychiatrist. I admire your courage and how much you care about your family. Let us know how you are doing and how we can help!

[Notgoneyet]

 Welcome Sedrich64,
 So glad you found us for there is SO MUCH wisdom on these pages. 
  We all GET IT, many of us have heard ,lived ,or can relate to your story(all or parts).
 
  Whenever I'm needing some encouragement I go straight to the top of this board ( 3rd down I think) to Success Stories . I find my fix of hope in some awesome stories there. Congrates on your first step to RELIEF, finding us & posting.  Have to run.
 
  Sending hope & prayers for some much deserved relief.

  NGY